My Day Off…

I had an interesting day today.

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist.  And an appointment to get my taxes done.  My 2006 taxes.

First up.  The doctor’s appointment.  I don’t mind seeing my shrink.  He’s very good at what he does and over the years has changed my life for the better.  It also helps that he’s a little cute.  Today’s appointment was just like usual.  He wanted to know what was going on in my life.  What I was doing for fun  How work was going.  Both theatre and waiting tables.  Then there were the usual questions about whether I’ve been thinking about killing myself.  Any drug use?  How much drinking?  Then we talked about the changes in my medication from last month.  He upped the dosage on one and it definitely seems to be working.   And I told him this.  I’m sleeping less, not as grumpy, haven’t had any anxiety attacks, etc.  We then talked about the stuff I hate talking about.  My sex life and my eating habits.  He’s not judgemental about either thing but he does have his concerns.  First he thinks that I should probably find healthy venues for my sexual outlets.  Not because there’s anything wrong with where I go, but because I’m never going to find a partner or even friends in these places.  I’ve always hated talking about my sex life so it’s never fun for me.

And then we moved on to my eating habits.  I haven’t mentioned it here, but I’ve gained back a lot of the weight I lost last summer and last fall.  I don’t know why this has happened but it has.  For all my trying to get back on track I’ve not been successful.  This lead to a very serious conversation today.  My doctor feels that I’m using food as a means to keep people away.  If I’m trapped in my fat suit, and don’t feel comfortable putting myself out there then I won’t.  And things will stay status quo.  He feels this this is a bad thing and told me as much.  He said to stop worrying about what will happen if I lose the weight and keep it off.  We can deal with those issues when they come up.  But to get started losing the weight.  He’s never talked to me so direct and forceful before.  I don’t know how I feel about it.  But at least it’s got me thinking.  I do have to do something, I’m just not sure what the answer is.

And that was the visit to my shrink.

And then I went to get my taxes done.  As I mentioned it was my 2006 taxes.  I started to do them myself last spring while I was living in Iowa but they became too complicated to do on Turbo Tax.  So I filed an extension.  And well, I just never got around to doing it.  So before I fill out this years taxes, I have to do last years taxes.  So I headed off to meet Mary, the lady doing my taxes.  She was very nice.  But I’m not sure she’s the best person for the job.  My roommate’s accountant recommended her and as I said she’s very nice.  But I began to have my doubts when she started asking me what the pop up window on the computer meant.  She also couldn’t decide what I could and couldn’t deduct.  For a while I could deduct my moving expenses.  Then I couldn’t.  Then I could.   Unfortunately it’s too late to really find someone else so I think I’m just going to have to trust her.

I have to drop off some information that I forgot today and then she’s going to do all the calculations.  I think when it’s all said and done I’m going to owe money.  She was just a little vague on how much.  And then I sitll have to do this years taxes, and I KNOW that I’ll owe money this year.

It’s going to be a couple of very tight months.

Two and a half weeks till Thanksgiving…

My goal of sleeping in this morning was short lived.  I had set my alarm to go off at noon, and the coffee was supposed to be finished brewing by then.  But I rolled over at 8:30 and was wide awake.  I tried for about thirty more minutes to go back to sleep and finally said screw it and got up.  Although, I’m tired I did manage to get most of my errands done today and I’m not so sure I would have if I had slept till noon.  I do know that staying up till 4 a.m. and then getting out of bed at 9:00 takes it’s toll as the day wears on.  I fell asleep watching Saturday Night Live tonight.  Of course that might have been because it was one of the worst episodes ever, but I’ll just say I was tired.

One of the things I did do today was go to the gym to weigh myself.  I’ve mentioned before that my scale at home will give me five different readings if I weigh myself five different times.  It gets a little frustrating sometimes when I’m trying to figure out if I’m losing weight or not.  The scale at my gym is this huge industrial scale that gives an exact reading every time.  According to the scale today I’ve lost five more pounds.  That brings my grand total weight loss to 57 pounds.  I’m very proud of myself.  I actually wore clothes today that I haven’t been able to wear in three years.  I went through most of my clothes a couple of weeks ago and pulled out the things I should be able to wear soon.  It’s the one advantage of having saved all my skinny clothes.  I have lots and lots of things to wear as the weight comes off.  I’ll be really excited when I get down to 185 because I’ll have an entire wardrobe of things to choose from.  Not to mention it will be fun to wear nice clothes for a change instead of clothes that are baggy that I try to hide in.

I also took everyone’s advice and called my doctor today.  We didn’t talk but I’ve asked him to call me tomorrow morning before he starts his office hours.  I want to at least discuss with him what happened yesterday and find out what I can do to try and make sure it doesn’t happen again.

And on a last note.  I’ve been too busy bitching about waiting tables to talk about my real career.  I have booked another show and will be traveling to Kentucky next week to do a little musical for a friend of mine.  I’m especially excited because I’ll be staying with my mom and getting paid to be there.  The show shouldn’t be too much work and I’m hoping to get to visit some friends while I’m in the area.  I fly there on November 1 and will return to NYC on November 11.  The event I’m most looking forward to while I’m there is Thanksgiving dinner.  I haven’t had a Thanksgiving meal with my family since 1997 and my mom and I were talking and she decided that the family should just do it early this year.  She called up everyone and they all agreed so my whole family is getting together on November 10th for a huge Thanksgiving meal.  I can hardly wait.  I won’t be able to eat for a month after that with my diet, but it will be well worth i t.

A Day In The Life…

Sorry about no post for the last two days.  On Sunday I didn’t get home until almost 3 a.m. and had to be back at work at 10 a.m. so I cut my losses and went straight to bed.  I had an entire post figured out in my head last night but the Internet connection at my house was completely fucked so I bagged it and went to bed.  Let’s hope it last for 30 minutes or so so I can get this posted.

Last night I was all prepared for ranting, but I think I’ll save it for a night when I’m a little more angry.  Tonight I’m about as chilled as I ever get.

I had a great day today.  I slept until almost 2 p.m.   I set my alarm to get up at 11 a.m. but slept through it.  I might still be asleep if my friend Jeff hadn’t called to say hi.  I didn’t take the call but it did wake me.  I got up and made coffee and started my day.   I spent the next two hours on the phone.  I called a bunch of people I owed phone calls to and actually got to speak to a couple of them.  And then my friend Kelly called.  She worked with me this summer in Oklahoma and was calling to tell me about her latest adventures.  We talked for exactly an hour, catching up and telling each other all about what had happened since we left in July.

After the phone calls I left to run some errands.  I needed to go to the bank, to Bed, Bath and Beyond, Best Buy, and to buy some jeans.

First stop the bank.  When did customer service people stop saying please and thank you.  I just started banking at Commerce Bank in New York.  I opened a savings account there because I’m trying to restock some of my retirement money that I’ve been living on for the past year.  It’s an account that I’ve put my change in and I’m dropping in 10% of everything I earn from here on out.  So I got to the bank, filled out the deposit slip and went to the counter.  I handed the girl my money and the slip and apologized for not having my account number.  She didn’t even look at me.  She just snapped at me to give her my ATM card.  I took a deep breath and explained to her that first of all demanding I do something was borderline rude.  And that she might try asking for the card next time.  I then explained that I didn’t have a card.  She then grunted at me to tell her my social security number.  I found this interesting, since we live in a time of identity theft and she wanted me to just say the number while I was standing three feet away from two other customers.  I finished the transaction, all the while thinking that I just might need to close the account and reopen the account in a different bank.  It’s not a lot of money but it’s enough that I don’t think I should have to put up with the attitude.

Next I was off to buy jeans.  I only have one pair of work pants and I’ve been wearing them everyday.  Which means they aren’t exactly clean when I have to open the restaurant after closing the night before.  I had put off buying them because I was hoping to be down a pants size before I did it.  I headed cross town to the Causal Male XL store which is the only place in Manhattan that I know that sells big boy clothes.  I got there, looked around while the sales guy was helping someone else.  He finally got  to me and I asked him for a pair of jeans in my size.  When I bought my last pair they were size 46.  I was guessing that I was down to a size 44.  He brought them out to me and I went in to try them on.  They were huge on me.  I was happy to say the least.  I gave them back to him and be brought me a pair of 42’s.  They fit perfectly.  Yippee.  Of course I bought them.  When I was checking out, the girl waiting on me asked if I would like to be on their mailing list.  I told her I didn’t plan on being fat long enough to take advantage of it.  Let’s hope that’s true.

While I’m on the subject of weight.  As of today I’ve lost 51.2 pounds.  I’m finally under the 250 mark.  It’s been a long time since I could say that.  I still have over 60 pounds to go, but I’m getting there one pound at a time.  I just have to keep my eye on the prize and keep up the work.

After the jeans I was off to Best Buy.  Yesterday on the way to work, I caught the head phone cable to my Ipod on the door walking into the restaurant and broke it.  The headphones, not the Ipod.  So I needed to get a headphones.  I found where they were kept and started looking.  While I was standing there and man walks up and without even blinking steps between me and the shelf and begins his own shopping.  And it’s not like I was 10 feet away from it.  There was just enough room for a person between me and the shelf.  I was somewhat taken aback.  I stood there for a moment, cleared my throat and said…”uh, excuse me.”  He turned and looked at me like I had three heads but at least moved aside.  I picked up the pair I’d been looking at and headed to the counter to buy them.

My question is, and I’ve been meaning to ask this of you guys for a while now.  When did we as a society stop saying excuse me.  I’ve been super aware of it for the last several months now and almost no one says excuse me any more.  People bump into you, push you, move you, and not one of them can say excuse me.  And it’s not one particular type of person.  It’s black, white, Hispanic, Asian.  Male, Female.  Gay, Straight.  It really makes me wonder what lies ahead in the world of courtesy.

After my adventures at Best Buy I was off to Bed Bath and Beyond.  I was indulging myself.  I bought a foot spa to soak my feet in after my long nights waiting table.  My friend Michelle suggested it today and I thought, what the fuck.  It certainly can’t hurt.  I got it home tonight and tried it out.  I don’t know if it will help the pain I have while I’m on my feet, but it certainly feels good in the moment.  So I’ll keep you posted as to how it works.

And that was my day.  How was yours?

Is it too late to change my mind?

I  may just be too old for this.  It’s 3:30 a.m.  and I just walked in from day two of my new job.  Damn.  I’m.  Tired.  And that’s the understatement of the century.

My work day started out just as frustrating as the others.  Samantha was no where to be found when I got there, all though she did arrive about 30 minutes later.  They had no idea who was training me.  I still don’t have a complete uniform, although I’ll be tested on what exactly that is on Monday.   I’m still not in the computer system so who knows whether I’m actually going to get paid for this or not.  And of course no one did anything about any of this until the last minute and then they all ran around like chickens with their heads cut off.  And just for the record.  Samantha has the personality of a rock.  And that’s being kind.

I finally got a schedule out of her.  I’ve been trying for the past three days to find out what days I’m working, what time I’m working and how long I have to train.  So I finally cornered her tonight and made her decide.  She explained that I had to do six training sessions and that even though I was an old employee I still had to do it all.  She said she was as stickler for every employee going through the full training schedule.  This is kind of funny, because it’s the third time I’ve trained with this company, and as of yet I’ve never done the full training sessions.  So I ask if I could do it over the next six days.  Straight through no breaks so I could get trained and put on the floor making money.  She hesitated but finally said okay.

And my shift started.  The woman training me is quite good, although she’s a little too “by the book” for me.  There are no hard and steadfast rules when you are dealing with the public.  You get about 6 seconds when you walk up to the table to figure out what they are going to be like.  Are they bitchy.  Fun.  Angry.  Easy Going.  It’s impossible to tell until you get there and start to talk to them.  Unfortunately, Ms. Trainer believes that every table should be treated the same.  And so I tried to do that, knowing that in a week when I’m on my own it won’t be that way at all.  That being said, she knows her stuff.  And I learned a lot tonight.  I actually handled her entire station for most of the night.  I only needed help a couple of times for the most part.

At the beginning of the shift she had me set goals as to what I was going to accomplish for the night.  How many desserts could I sell?  How many side items?  How many this?  How many that?  I thought it was kind of silly, so I chose high.  I added about 15 to what I really thought I could get.  She was a little annoyed with me, and told me to be more reasonable.  I then replied with a “why not shoot high.  What’s the worst that could happen.”  When it was all said and done I met every goal by several items except for one.  And in that case I was short one dessert.  She was more than impressed with my abilities.

At the end of the night, I had to meet with Samantha.  She sat down with me, and proceeded to tell me what a wonderful job I was doing.  So much so that she’s changed her mind and I WON’T have to do the fulling training schedule.  I guess that makes me three for three.  Yippee!

So I’ll be done on Monday, and if I pass the test I can start working on Tuesday.  Which will be great since I’ve had no income since July.  I’m starting to get a little poor.

An an entirely different note.  Years ago I worked out at a World’s Gym just north of SOHO in the Village.  It was a small gym, but great equipment.  The nice thing about it was that it wasn’t crowded and it had the best scale for weighing yourself I’ve ever seen.  The scale is about 6 feet tall, with a huge dial that turns when you step on it.  There’s no way to adjust it so it always reads the correct weight.  Long story, short.

(I know it’s too late for that.)

I decided to work out at that gym today.  That location was bought by New York Sports Club several years ago, so my new gym membership works there.  The reason I went was because I wanted to weigh myself.  My home scale is about as reliable as the weather.  I can weigh myself five times and get five different readings with almost a ten pound variance.  It’s a little frustrating when every ounce is important to you.  So I got to the gym and weighed myself.  My weight was exactly what I thought it would be, which made me happy.  More importantly though, the gym was empty.  There were only two people lifting weights and about 3 or 4 doing cardio.  This excites me, because I get nervous thinking about lifting in a crowded gym with a bunch of ripped muscles boys.  This way I can lift, and not be embarrassed because it’s only 5 pounds and can really start to get back into the swing of things.  This gym is a little out of my way, but in the big scheme of things if I’m more comfortable working out there it seems to me that it’s the right choice.  So that’s what I’ll be doing from now on.

Weight/Waiting

It’s a quick post tonight.  I need to get to bed somewhat early.

I haven’t mentioned my weight in a while.  Thought I’d let you guys know that as of today I’ve lost 39.2 pounds.  That’s a small child I’m no longer carrying around.  I only wish it were more.  I’m so tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a fat man.  I want to look in the mirror and see a relatively normal size guy looking back.  I know that if I keep up the walking, working out, and eating right it will happen.  I just want it to be now.

Okay enough whining.  My weight is what it is and I can’t lose it any faster than I am.  As I tell people all the time.  I didn’t get fat over night.  I won’t get skinny over night.  I just have to keep my eye on the prize, stay focused and the rest will follow.  I’ll keep you guys posted as to my progress periodically.

I start my restaurant job tomorrow.  I’m a little nervous to say the least.  I haven’t waited tables in more than five years.  What if I don’t remember how.  What if I suck at it now.  What if I slap some child whose being a pain in my ass.  I’ve had several nightmares in the past week about work.  I realize that it’s all in my head, but I’m still a little apprehensive.  But I guess I don’t have to worry about it today.  In fact I don’t have to worry about it tomorrow.  The restaurant I’m working for is a chain restaurant and so tomorrow is the orientation part of the training sequence.  I have no idea how long I’ll be there, or what to expect besides filling out tax papers and insurance forms.    It will be nice though, to finally start.  I can use the money and it’ll be good to finally get all my fears behind me.  Tune in on Thursday and I’ll give you a full report of my first day.

Oh, What a day…

I’ve been kind of bummed all day.  For no reason really.  It’s just how I feel.  I think it might have something to do with being up so late last night.  I’m no longer used to the really late nights after being in Maine for a month.  I’m used to being in bed by 11:00 or midnight at the latest and getting up by 9:00.  Last night I got into bed at 3:00 a.m. and probably read for 30 minutes before I turned off the light.  And then I woke up at 10:30 a.m.  I tried to go back to sleep, but it was no good.  I finally got out of bed at 11:00 a.m.

And then I made the mistake of stepping on the scale.  I discovered that I had gained a pound since yesterday for no apparent reason.  Nothing’s more depressing than realizing that you are gaining weight when you are trying to lose it.  I’m sure it’s some fluke, but it’s made me think about being fat all day.  I was sitting on a machine today at the gym and like all gyms this one is surrounded by mirrors.  As I sat there I found myself staring at my reflection.  I did not like what I saw.  The face is okay.  But everything south of that needs to go.  My gut is huge.  My legs are huge.  My chest is huge.  And my butt’s the biggest of all.  For all my trying to remind myself that I am almost 30 pounds lighter and on the path to being skinny, all I could see was the fat Maddog.  At one point I almost left the gym.  It felt useless to be there.  No worries, though.  I stayed.  I didn’t lift weights as long as I should have, but I got through most of the exercises and then did five miles on the treadmill.  Hopefully tomorrow I won’t feel like this.

I’ve been on a cleaning kick since I’ve gotten home.  Before I start my job, I’d like everything to be in it’s proper place.  Which means organizing the DVD’s and CD’s.  Straightening up the bookcases and getting rid of the books that I’ve already read and will never read again.  Going through boxes, and drawers and organizing things, throwing things away, or finding a home for them.  So far I’ve done half my office space, the dining room and one bookcase.  This also included dusting and cleaning everything thoroughly.  I also now have a pile of about 30 books sitting beside my desk that I’m going to take to my favorite used bookstore down in the East Village.  They’ll pay me for some of them, but I’m not too worried about the pennies I’ll get.  I’m more interested in donating them to a place that I like.

In the past two days I’ve applied for two theatre jobs.  They are one off free lance gigs, but they’d both be great experience and would further my contact base in NYC.  I’ve always said you get your next job from your last job and that’s always proven to be true.  So keep you fingers crossed that these two opportunities come through.

And 85 more to go…

A quick post before bed.

It’s Monday so I had my official weigh in of the week.  I’m now down 28 pounds total since I started the South Beach Diet.  For the most part it hasn’t been too bad.  There have been a couple of times I’ve been tempted to cheat, but all I have to do is remind myself how tired I am of being fat and the desire to eat junk goes away.  Even with 28 pounds though, the final goal seems years away.  It still more than 85 pounds to go.  It’s when I think about the total number that I’m most tempted to say “Fuck it”.  It’s just too much.  I’ll never get there.  Why am I even bothering to try.

Of course I know none of that is true.  Of course it’s impossible, if I continue to think like that.  The real goal is to try to take one day at a time.  I haven’t given up ice cream forever.  Just for today.  I lost another 1.3 pounds yesterday.  So that’s something.  If I keep focused on the little wins then I soon lose sight of how big the big picture is.

It’s also been nice going back to the gym.  I hate that I can’t lift the weight what I could lift 4 years ago.  But lots of people talk about muscle memory and that it will take far less time to get back to where I was then it did the first time.  I don’t know if this is true, but I’m counting on it.  I hate bench pressing 5 pound dumb bells.  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, but it’s how I feel when I’m there.  But as I said a couple of sentences ago.  It’s not forever.  If I keep going to the gym, then very soon I’ll be able to run 5 miles without walking any of it, and I’ll be able bench press a car.  A small car perhaps, but still a car.

Enough whining.  I have to get to bed.  I have a big day in front of me tomorrow.  Have a great week.

Another Openin’, Another Show

I’d like to start tonight by thanking everyone for the wonderful comments and advice.  It’s very easy for me to get down on myself and it’s been a while since anyone at all has been my champion.  So it’s nice to hear all the positive feedback from all you guys.  You have no idea how much it means to me.

I’ve had a great day, but I’m very much not used to the very typical New York day where you leave for work at 8 a.m. and get home at 11 p.m.  As a New Yorker you get used to this very quickly.  It’s rare that you get to go home after work, to change clothes or freshen up before going out.  Very few people I know, live in the areas of town they socialize in so you learn to carry what you need for the day.  Every New Yorker carries a bag of some sort with them.  Some of them are purely functional.  Some of them are pure fashion statements.  Some are both.  In this bag you learn to carry your life.  It holds your gym clothes, a change of clothes, your Ipod, whatever book you are reading, a toothbrush and toothpaste.  Mouthwash.   A journal.  Maps of they city.  A camera.  Pen and paper.  Sometimes your computer.  And just about anything else you might need when you leave home in the morning.

The reason I don’t traipse home is because it’s a minimum 30 minute ride on the subway to my stop.  That doesn’t count waiting for the train, or walking to and from the station.  So it can easily take an hour to get home.  Plus an hour to get back downtown.  So it’s almost impossible to run home for a change of clothes, to shower, or to freshen up.  By the time you get there and back the evening will be well underway.  It might also explain why many people who are going out to bars for the evening don’t even start till midnight here.

The point to all of this is that I left home this morning at 8:45 to go the theatre.  I didn’t get home till 11:30.  I was exhausted by the time I got here.   And I did all of this without my “bag” because I left my book bag in Maine and it’s the only bag I have.  What I realized is that if I’m going to go back to being a New Yorker I’m going to have to re-acclimate myself to it.  Get used to sleeping with the noise, and the light, and being out all day.

All of that being said.  I had a great day.  I got to the theatre around 9:45 and found everything going according to schedule.  Just as I predicted it was a stress free day.  Which I loved.  We spent about 4 hours teching the show.  Teching is the process where we figure out the technical elements and for lighting specifically, we program the computer to turn the lights on when we want them on, at the right intensity and at the correct speed.  Things went so smoothly that we were able to run the show twice before our time was up.  Then we took a little break and then came back to the theatre to run the whole evening’s entertainment.  It went okay, although the first piece (It’s two one-acts) was about as boring as you can get.  I was miserable for the 45 minutes they were running their show.

After the run, we all left to get dinner and then to take a little break before we had to be back for the actual show.  When I got back to the theatre, it turned out to be a big grad school reunion.  There were about 20 people there that I had gone to grad school with, and it was great to see them all.  I discovered through conversation that about 10 of us live within about 7 or 8 blocks from each other.  Although, they all live on top of the hill, in the nice section.  I live at the bottom of the hill in the sketchy section.

Overall the show went well.  It was not bad for something that was thrown together as quickly as it was.  The playwright and the director are using this production to find out what works and doesn’t work about the play so that in the next year or so they can turn it into a full two act show.  It definitely needs some work, but the foundation is there, and it’s an interesting story.  Hopefully, in 6 or 7 years when it plays on Broadway I’ll get to design it and win the Tony award and then won’t have to wait tables again.

And that brings me to the end of my post.  I have my lunch tomorrow.  I have to say that I’m a little nervous, but am going to make the best of it.  As I have said before I just need something to make some quick money that will pay the bills for the moment.  I’m hoping it all works out tomorrow and I can start soon.  It would be nice to be able to pay September’s rent out of earned money and not my savings…but that’s another story.

Thanks again for the all the support.  Tomorrow I will go in with my head held high and will be pleasant and charming and laugh at my friends jokes and make the best of it.  What’s the worst that can happen.  And as we all know, I have no intention of being fat forever.  And I have even less intention of being a waiter forever.

Back in NYC…

Yippee!  I’m back in New York.  That means that I get to sleep in my own bed tonight.  The big queen size bed.  It always makes me feel good to be back home.  I drove down today from Maine in Michelle’s car.  I have to be in rehearsal tomorrow (Wednesday) for a small show that I’m designing.  It should be a relatively stress free day, and I hope that turns out to be true.  For the most part, my work is done, I just have to make sure it’s executed the way that I want it to be and do a few last minute adjustments.  The show opens tomorrow night so we can’t make too many changes.  I’ll of course give you all the details of how it goes tomorrow night.

On the drive down I continued to think about whether I should be in Maine or New York.  I’m 100% convinced I need to be in New York.  It’s where my home is, my stuff is, and very importantly where my bed is.  It would also make sense that I live where I pay rent since that’s why I pay rent.  There’s no way I could afford to get my own place in Portland without breaking my lease here, and as I mentioned last night, I’m not willing to do that.  So all that’s left now is to break the news to Michelle.  I have to be careful not to hurt her feelings, but I really want to be in my own home.  I hope she understands.

I took a big step today.  I called a friend of mine, who’s the manager at a restaurant that I used to work at.  We chatted for a while and then I got to the point.  I shared with him that I needed a part time/full time job to tide me over till I can find a teaching job and my free lance work becomes more regular.  He told me it wouldn’t be a problem at all to start work there again.  We agreed to meet on Thursday for lunch, and he would give me the details and work out when I could start.

It’s a big deal for me to have done this for a couple of reasons.  First, the reason I went to grad school was so that I didn’t EVER have to wait tables again.  It’s not that I’m not good at it.  That’s part of the problem, I’m very good at it.  And on most days I don’t mind doing it.  But after 10 years of it, I felt that it was time to move on.  And so I went to grad school with the hope that I would never have to do it again.  And now, it’s taking longer to get a job than I thought it would, and I need something to tide me over till it comes.

The second reason it’s a little hard, is that when I worked there last I was thin.  I weighed 185 pounds and was in the best shape of my life.  I was running five miles a day and working out 5 to 6 times a week.  I looked great.  Now that’s not the case.  It’s going to be very stressful to walk into the restaurant on Thursday to meet with my friend.  I don’t want to be the fat guy whose failing at his career and has to have his old job back.  And that’s the way I’m going to feel when I go there.  I know it’s all in my head, and that I just need to get over it.  As my friend Todd says, it’s just a means to an end and that it’s not forever.  That’s what I keep telling myself.  I won’t be fat for forever.  I won’t wait tables forever.  I just need to suck it up and do what I have to do in the meantime.  And so that’s what I’m going to do.

The one great thing will be working in a restaurant should provide lots of great topics for my blog.

An Eye-opening Realization…

I’m tired.  I had way to much caffeine last night driving home from Boston and I was wired when I finally got to bed.  Couple that with the two guys screaming at each other next door and it was not a restful night of sleep.  Luckily, the cops finally came and shut the two guys up and eventually I was able to fall asleep.  Unfortunately, I was wide awake at 7:00 this morning.  And if you know me, that’s not typical at all.  I tried and tried to go back to sleep, to no avail, and finally got up at 8:30.   Needless to say, my butt has been dragging a little all day.

As usual there’s not much to report.  Michelle’s girlfriend Lisa got home last night and she spent the day cleaning.  I’ve never seen someone clean, as quickly, efficiently, and as thoroughly as she did.  She started around 11:00 and was still going at it at 4:00.  She was scrubbing floors, and vacuuming, doing laundry, and not a spot when uncovered.  I offered to help several times,  but she made it clear that I should just stay out of the way.  I ended up in my room reading.  At one point I was almost asleep and put the book down and just as suddenly I was awake.  After about 15 or 20 minutes of trying to get to sleep, I said fuck it and came down to my computer.  By that time she’d finished in this room and I was able to read some blogs in peace.

Michelle had worked the overnight shift at her job last night and finally woke up around 4:15 or so.  When she appeared she was all dressed to go walking.  I quickly changed and we headed to the bay.  There were a couple of shirtless boys but I didn’t think either of them were very cute.  There weren’t many people out walking.  The temperature at 5:00 was only around 63 so I think people are starting to stay inside more.

After the walk, we ran a couple of errands.  To the grocery to get some salad dressing for me.  I also picked up a steak for dinner.  It was very delicious.  Then we ran by the post office to drop off my Netflix movies and then to the video store so that Michelle could rent a movie for tonight.  We ended up with Factory Girl.  I hated it.  I thought it was a little bit one note that didn’t really go anywhere till the end.  The performances were great, but I didn’t care for the movie.  Then it was back home for dinner.

The kitchen is Lisa’s domain so she made dinner.  As always it was very good.  I did help set the table and I did some of the dishes afterward, but for the most part I was an innocent bystander.

But as I sat and watched my day unfold around me I became very aware of something.

I had mentioned that I was thinking about staying in Maine for a while.  I like it here, and have met some wonderful people who seem to like me a lot.  It’s been great spending time with Michelle and Lisa and I love them a lot.  But I realized today that I can’t continue to be a guest in their home.  It’s a wonderful place to visit.  They take very good care of me and I don’t think they mind my being here.  But it’s not my home.  Although I feel very comfortable here as a guest, I don’t feel comfortable to stay an extended amount of time.  I can’t watch TV.  I can’t lie on the couch.  I can’t walk around in my underwear.  I can’t leave my dirty dishes in the sink.  I can’t do a lot of things that I could do if this were my house.  And it’s not like they’ve done anything to make me feel anything other than welcome.  It’s just a reality.  If I stay here, I’ll be a guest if their home.  And I don’t want to be that.

I want to be someplace where I feel comfortable being me.  I want to be someplace where if I want to lie on the couch and watch a movie it’s no big deal.  I want to be feel like I belong where I am.  Some of you may ask, why don’t I just move to Portland then.  Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.  I have a  lease on an apartment in NYC that’s not up till next July.  I would never consider breaking the lease or just leaving my roommate holding the bag.  If it were a different roommate maybe.  But I care too much about Chuck to even consider doing that.  It’s also a little cost prohibitive.  If any of you have ever moved long distances, it would cost several thousand dollars to get my stuff from NYC to Portland.  And when you are unemployed 5 bucks is a lot of money.  Five thousand is unimaginable.

So that brings me back to being in Maine.  So I kind of came to the realization that I’m not going to stay.  In fact, if I had a little more notice I would leave for good tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to rent a car to get back down there, and it cost more to do that with such little notice.  So on Friday, I’ll come back to Maine.  In the meantime I’m going to reserve a car for next Monday or Tuesday to take me back to the city.  And then I’m left with the very big task of finding a job.  I have to find something even if it’s working at McDonald’s to pay the bills until a job that I want comes open.  The kind of jobs that I’m looking for aren’t really hiring right now and won’t be for the next couple of months.  So next week I have to hit the pavement to look for something.

And now with all of this decided I have to tell Michelle.  She loves me a lot and only wants the best for me.  But I don’t think she’ll understand my reasoning when I say that I want to head back to NYC.  I just have to stand strong and not let her talk me out of it.

And on a last note.  Today was my weigh in.  I’ve lost 20.5 pounds.  Not too bad if I do say so myself.