I had another anxiety attack tonight. I was walki…

I had another anxiety attack tonight. I was walking through the crowds on 23rd Street trying to get to the subway when it started. The difference tonight was that I was able to recognize what was happening and think through it. I forced myself to just breath deep and meditate. The physical symptoms didn’t go away but it definitely made them lessen. The whole thing lasted about 30 minutes or so. Thank god the subway wasn’t crowded tonight and I was able to sit with my eyes closed and try to stop the effects. For the most part it worked.

Luckily, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow and I’ll discuss with him what’s been happening. What I am hoping that’s different this time is waking up depressed tomorrow. Last Friday I woke up in the funk of all funks and I really don’t want to deal with that tomorrow. I have way too much to do.

On the good news front. I applied for a teaching job today in the Midwest. Actually, the school has sought me out. I got an email last week asking me if I would be interested in the job. Turns out someone I had worked with about 10 years ago, now teaches there and thought I would be perfect for a position that’s opening up in the spring. It would only be for the spring semester but I think it would be perfect for me for the moment and would be a good position to have on my resume. That being said, I don’t have all the details so I’m not 100% that I will take it if it’s offered to me. I’ll keep you guys posted on how it proceeds.

The city was a zoo tonight. The Halloween Parade happened as always but I was smart enough to steer clear of it. My favorite part of the evening though was the topless girls standing in front of the Comfort Diner where my friends and I were gathering to eat. They were exposed for the world to see. One of the girls was quite skinny and had normal size breasts. The other girl was about 300 pounds and was huge. Let me repeat. HUGE. For a moment I was scared for my life, until A.L. convinced me I had nothing to worry about. Maybe this is what triggered my anxiety attack. Of course tonight was the one night that I didn’t have my camera with me but trust me they were huge.

I’ll sleep well tonight knowing that I don’t live …

I’ll sleep well tonight knowing that I don’t live in one of the more dangerous cities in the U.S. In fact NYC was only 145 out of 371. I would have guessed us to be far more dangerous than many of the cities that were included. In fact, my hometown of Lexington, Kentucky is less safe than NYC. I don’t quite know what to make of that. I have always thought that I was from small town America, home of baseball and apple pie. A place where you could leave the front door open if you wanted, and that turns out not to be true. What’s the world coming to?

By chance anyone reading this tonight catch Rick Santorum on Headline News. I was reading and typing and only half listening, but I could have sworn I heard him distancing himself from the President. Can that be true? I mean surely he knows that as a good Christian man he can only get to heaven worshiping, I mean supporting President Bush. Once again, what’s the world coming to?

That’s it for my soap box tonight. Have a SSSCCCAAARRRYYYY Halloween. Be safe.

I was walking down the street tonight running some…

I was walking down the street tonight running some errands when I thought of something that I wanted to post about. It was something that I saw on the street that I realized I wanted to comment on. I told myself to jot it down in the journal I carry as soon as I got to a place to stop.
I’m now at that place and for the life of me I have no idea what I wanted to post on. I’m sure it would have been life changing for all of my readers. It would have solved all of your problems and made you rich as well. But alas, that will not be since I wasn’t smart enough to write the idea down when I had it. I guess I’ve learned a lesson here.

I’ve been depressed all day. Most of you know I’m…

I’ve been depressed all day. Most of you know I’m not new to depression but the medication I take keeps it in check. Today however, I woke up feeling depressed unlike I have felt in a while. I am sure that it’s got something to do with the anxiety attack that I had last night. A residual side effect if you will. Luckily I am aware of my situation enough to know that this will pass. However, in the meantime I have to suffer through this feeling of uselessness and worthlessness and wait to feel better. Don’t worry though, I have already called my doctor and I have an appointment next Thursday to discuss what’s been going on. I just have to make it till then.

When I first woke up this morning I realized that I felt like crap, so I closed my eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep. I finally crawled out of bed at noon. I only got up then because I had to. I was scheduled to have lunch with my friend M.L. So I got ready and headed downtown. We usually meet at the Starbucks at Sheridan Square on Seventh Avenue and then decide where we are going. I got there about ten minutes early and waited. He finally showed (he’s always a little late) and I was informed that there was no time for lunch. He had at most 30 minutes he could give me. I was devastated. Now I know that I am overreacting, but when your depressed everything holds meaning. So we sat down, he had coffee and I had iced tea. And we chatted. He told me about work. He’s just been promoted to president of his company so work is kicking his butt…in a good way. And I told him about what was going on with me. M.L. is a no nonsense kind of guy. You got a problem. You develop a plan and you deal with it. I don’t work that way. So he laid out all the things I needed to do to get my life in order. I mostly nodded and said sure. He of course never looks at the reasons that his plan won’t work. That’s for other people to deal with, not him. I love him dearly but by the time we were through I was a mess. My depression was worse and I had no idea how to make it better.

I decided that maybe I needed to escape for a little while. I discovered many years ago that when I get into these ruts going to the movies is a “safe” place to hide out for a while so that I don’t get into trouble. So I walked up to 23rd Street to see what was playing at the movies. I had just missed the movie I wanted to see and nothing else was starting anytime soon. So I headed across the street to the other theatre. On my way there I ran into my friend D.J. D.J. is an ex-boyfriend although I use the term lightly. We dated ever so briefly until I realized that he was crazy. Then I ended it. We have remained friends althought we haven’t talked much since I moved to San Diego. D.J. and I wandered through Chelsea and finally decided to get coffee. So we found a place and settled in and chatted. In truth he’s as crazy as he ever was. He over analyzes everything and can’t just “feel” his feelings. He a great guy but it takes effort to be around him for long periods of time.

D.J. and I said our good-byes and by that time I was starving. It was almost 4:00 and I hadn’t eaten all day. So I headed up the street to a little diner that my friends and I often frequent to grab a sandwich. As I walked through the door I say D.B and headed over to say hi. I was about half way there when he said “He’s here.” It took a second but then I realized that he meant D.L.C. Oh, Shit!!! Today was the last day that I needed to run into that asshole. It’s been more than two years since I have seen him and I know eventually I’ll have to face that demon. But not today. Not the way I was feeling. I ducked into D.B.’s booth and hid. I sat there shaking on the verge of another anxiety attack. D.B. calmed me down and we chatted while he waited for his lunch date to arrive. I stayed hidden in the booth until the date got there and then I ducked out.

By the time I left the restaurant I was shaking and miserable. I wandered. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I had a couple of hours still to waste until my plans for the evening. Finally I found myself in a different diner where I finally got something to eat. I was still out of it but was able to get down some food. I was finally calming down. I met back up with D.B. later and we talked about what had happened. He was very understanding.

After seeing D.B. I met up with my roommate C.Z. We had plans for a very New York evening. C.Z. had been invited to the viewing of a short movie in a swanky NYC apartment in midtown. So we headed to midtown grabbed a quick bite to eat (this was several hours later) and headed to the party. The building was a high rise on the newer side with a very efficient doorman ushering people into the building. I should probably point out at this point that the last thing I wanted to do tonight after my day was go to a party where I didn’t know anyone and try and be social. We got to the party and it was exactly as I had thought it would be. I was older than most of the people in the room by 15 years. They all appeared to be actors. C.Z. and I said our hellos to the host, dropped our jackets in the tiny bedroom with the gorgeous view and then I found a very nice corner to hide in. I spoke to people who happened by me, but strategically that didn’t amount to many people.

The movie was finally started. It was only 25 minutes long and could have been very funny. Unfortunately, I thought it was about 23 minutes longer than it needed to be and wanted it to end almost as soon as it started. As soon as it was over the applause went on and on. I have been at operas with less applause. The director said his thank you’s introduced his team and then the party started again. I resumed holding down my corner of the room until C.Z. was ready to go and then we made our way home. It wasn’t an awful party and I know under different circumstance I would have had much better time. What I did like about the entire evening is that it was so NYC.

That’s it for my day. I hope I haven’t bored you guys to tears but I needed to share what was going on with me.

I had a panic attack tonight. In fact I am still …

I had a panic attack tonight. In fact I am still shaking a bit and my fingers and toes are still tingling. At one point I thought I was going to collapse on the subway platform. It took all of my strength to force myself to go into the station and get on the train. I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. If I had had someplace to go to wait it out I would have, but I didn’t know where to go and I felt like I needed to hide and the best place to do that was in my room at home. By the time I got off the train the attack was mostly gone except for the lingering side effects. I made my way home, and collapsed in a chair in the living room. My roommate was giving me grief about something I did today and after a deep breath I told him what was happening. He was quite kind. He asked me if I was okay and we chatted for more than an hour. Now except for the shaking and the tingling the effects are gone. I have no idea what triggered it or how to make sure it doesn’t happen again. I do know this, it’s not fun and I don’t want to do it again soon.

I’ve sneezed at least 60 or 70 times today. No ki…

I’ve sneezed at least 60 or 70 times today. No kidding. My allergies kicked in around noon today and haven’t stopped since. I finally found my Claritin around 2:30 or so and after about an hour or so it stopped the sneezing but my nose is still running and I feel like I’m half out of it. At one point today I felt like I was going to fall over I was in such a weird state. I’ll take more Claritin before bed and hope that I wake up feeling better.

Of course the problem is all the dust being stirred up from unpacking. My apartment is still a mess with piles everywhere. It seems as though I just move the piles from one room to another placing one or two items where they go as I do it. Today I put together a bookcase that I bought from Ikea (don’t worry Ur-Spo I wore my special alien repellent hat so that I wouldn’t be abducted) and continued working on my bedroom. Turns out there’s a floor in there after all.

The weight was 282 today. Now I don’t really think that I lost two pounds in the last 24 hours but I’ll take what I can get. I have been trying to be healthy. Tonight for dinner I had a cup of split pea soup and a Caesar salad with grilled chicken. I figure that if I can keep this up then 1 year from now I’ll weight 185 lbs. again. Thanks for those that have given support, it has meant a lot to me.

Only 6 more days till Halloween.

I am still tired today, but much better than yeste…

I am still tired today, but much better than yesterday. I am actually starting to feel like a normal person again. I got up at 9:00 a.m. this morning, made coffee, and started unpacking my boxes. My friends A.L. and F.M. came by around 11:00 a.m. and helped. Between the three of us about 75% of the boxes were emptied. That’s not to say it’s all put away, but it’s out of the box and I can see what it is and over the next couple of days I’ll work on getting things where they go.

Of course my bedroom is still a mess. The boxes aren’t piled so high but there’s still just a path to my bed. A.L. is coming over again tomorrow and that’s our project. We are going to get the furniture arranged in my bedroom and start putting my clothes away. More importantly, we are going to find me a jacket to wear. It’s been cold as &*$@ here and I have been freezing without a jacket. I found my scarf today but that’s not a lot of good against the cold. I figure if we spend three of four hours tomorrow we should be able to make some progress.

It’s funny whenever I am unpacking, it’s almost like Christmas. You never know what your going to find in the box that you open. Sometimes it’s what you are looking for, sometimes it’s something that you forgot about, sometimes it’s not what you want at all. At least nobody opened the boxes with porn in it today. Of course it took all day to find the box with the clips that support the shelves in my bookcase. We couldn’t unpack the books until the shelves were in and we couldn’t install the shelves until we found the clips. The day was winding down before I finally found the box they were in. But the books are on the shelves now, the DVD’s are in place, the CD’s are unloaded. Now I just have to convince my roommate C.Z. to alphabetize them.

One of the first things I unpacked today was the box with the bathroom scale in it. I haven’t stepped on the scale for almost six months. Partly because it’s been packed away and partly because I was scared of what it would say. So after my friends left today, I took off my shoes, took a deep breath and took the plunge. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but it sucked all the same. I was expecting something around 300 lbs. but it was only 284. Only 284. That’s not a lot. Who the fuck am I kidding. I have never been so fat in my life. I don’t even know how I got this way. Three years ago, I was 180 lbs., in the best shape of my life. Now I breathe hard if I walk up too many flights of stairs.

Long story short I am tired of the weight. I am tired of not being able to wear my clothes. I am tired of being embarrassed to walk into a room. I am tired of not wanting to meet new people. I am tired. So I am going to do something about it. I have eaten very well the last two days. I am going to rejoin the gym. I am going to write down everything that I eat. I am going to stay away from the stuff I know is not good for me. I am going to watch the carbs. And the fats. And the starches. I know how to do this. I have done it before. It’s just right now the task is so huge it’s overwhelming. It seems like I’ll never be skinny again so why bother. I hate being fat and I want to be skinny today. Right now. Someone tell me how to snap my fingers and make the inner-tube around my middle disappear. Please.

Over the next several months I’ll be using my blog to track my progress. So some encouragement from you guys would be greatly appreciated. I know it’s a long haul but I can do it. I just need to remember that.

Today has been one of the longest days ever. I am…

Today has been one of the longest days ever. I am exhausted. I don’t have the energy to even get up and go to bed. I slept until almost noon today. At that point I got up and moved to the sofa where I dozed off and on for another two hours. At which point I turned the T.V. off and went back to bed where I stayed until 4:00. And I am still tired. I did managed to shower and head down to Chelsea to go to a meeting and then have dinner with some friends. I got home about 10:30 and I feel as if I haven’t slept in days. Can’t imagine what the problem is. I am hoping that another good night’s sleep and I’ll feel a little more normal. I can’t waste too many more days since I have to get all my things put away and find a job and well get on with my life.

I promise I’ll write something more interesting tomorrow night.

3,058.6 miles. That’s how far I’ve traveled in th…

3,058.6 miles. That’s how far I’ve traveled in the last seven days. That’s a lot of miles. The trip took me through 13 states and some of the most beautiful scenery imaginable. It’s truly amazing to drive across the country and watch the view from the car change. Desert, plains, mountains, farmland, cities. Drive six hours and for the most part what you are looking at has changed completely. For my money New Mexico and Pennsylvania were the best. The desert in New Mexico with it’s layers of color and sparse vegetation, and the miles of trees in Pennsylvania painted their fall yellows and reds. It’s a trip that I would make again without even thinking about it.

A.L. and I got home around 2 p.m. this morning. We drove 17 hours yesterday. We left Kentucky and the rain around 9:30 a.m., drove north through Ohio, then turned east through Pennsylvania, New Jersey, across the George Washington Bridge into Manhattan. The incredible thing about yesterday was that A.L. and I talked for the whole trip. As we were leaving yesterday morning I confessed that I couldn’t drive in the silence if I was going to drive all the way to NYC. A.L. asked me what I was talking about and I shared that I didn’t like not talking as we traveled. He admitted at this point that he was reluctant to share with me because he thought I would think his stories were stupid. I laughed at him and told him that even if they were stupid I wanted to hear them. So we began talking and didn’t stop until we got home. We played a game where we took turns asking each other questions. The questions could be about anything and we had to answer. The only catch was the person asking had to provide an answer as well to the question. The questions covered childhood, sex (of course) family, school, work, boyfriends, etc. Some of the questions were easy, some took thought, and some required confessing deep dark secrets. It was fun and I feel like I really know this guy now. It has really deepened our friendship. I only wish I had mentioned this 5 days ago.

Now that I am in NYC the task in front of me is unpacking the 50+ boxes that I brought with me. My bedroom is stacked floor to ceiling with boxes and there is barely a path to my bed. It took an hour of organizing to even make room for the bed. But tomorrow I’ll attack them and hopefully by this time next week everything will be put away…or at least on it’s way.

I’ve only had about 3 hours of sleep…so if there are typos, mispelled words, or something doesn’t make sense, forgive me.

Oh the sun shines bright on my Old Kentucky Home, …

Oh the sun shines bright on my Old Kentucky Home,
It’s summer the darkies are gay…

Ah nothing like the sounds of my youth to make me miss home. Actually the words to the song were changed a while ago, but occasionally you will see the lyrics in print and they’ll be the original version. Of course the question I have is are they really gay? Or just happy? Or both? It changes the meaning of the song if you think about them being gay…but I digress.

I hope I didn’t offend anyone with my song of the day. But I am from Kentucky and we were/are a southern state. And if you are in the area for more than about 5 minutes you’ll hear someone use the “n” word. Usually someone in my family. But that’s a post for a different day.

I am in Kentucky. I drove in from Springfield, MO where A.L. and I spent the night. The trip in today was fine. Not much traffic except in the larger cities and the road construction was kept to a minimum. Of course I am all about knowing exactly how far the construction goes. In Missouri the flashing road signs tell you in minutes how far till the work will be over. The weather for the whole trip has been perfect. It’s been sunny and warm (except in Flagstaff, Sunday night) and the sky has been clear. Perfect weather for crossing the country and looking at the sights.

A.L. was the same today. I only timed the quiet once today. We went about 65 minutes in silence only to have the quiet broken with an offer of trail mix. A comment from yesterday suggested I tell a dirty joke or ask questions to get the conversation going. Trust me I have tried this. The exchange will last a couple of minutes and then it will fade off into the distance. In four days of driving he’s told only one story. It took about 30 minutes and that was that. I talked to a mutual friend of ours today in NYC and mentioned the silence. He laughed and told me he had wondered how that would turn out. Seems A.L. is quiet with him as well and he was curious about how the quiet would be for 7 days in a truck.

One of the things I also wanted to put into the post last night but forgot was that we can’t even look for cute boys (especially truckers). It seems that if a guy doesn’t fit A.L.’s exact requirement for a boyfriend then the guys not attractive. I have seen 100’s of boys that were cute, not perfect but cute, and each time he’ll say sorry he’s not my type I don’t find him attractive at all. The night before we left, we were flipping channels on T.V. and came across a movie with Montgomery Clift. The boy was hot. Those eyes, those lips. That look. A.L. immediately disagreed with me. “He’s not my type, he’s not cute. I understand that we all have different types. But I also know that there are a million beautiful guys out there that aren’t my type. I try to see the beauty in most people…especially cute boys.
Long story short I have stopped trying to even have these conversations with him.

So I am in Kentucky for 36 hours. I got here at 10 tonight and I leave first thing Friday morning. Tomorrow is going to be spent seeing relatives and doing errands for my mom. Her lawn needs to be mowed and the ceiling fan in the kitchen needs to be replaced. I’m surprised she hasn’t done both by herself but she’s 67 and doesn’t get around as well as she used to. So I am going to do as much for her as I can. I’m trying to talk her into letting me take the piano that’s in the living room. No one plays it here and anymore and I would love to have a piano in my apartment in NYC. If only I can talk her into it.

That’s it for now.