I’ve been depressed all day. Most of you know I’m not new to depression but the medication I take keeps it in check. Today however, I woke up feeling depressed unlike I have felt in a while. I am sure that it’s got something to do with the anxiety attack that I had last night. A residual side effect if you will. Luckily I am aware of my situation enough to know that this will pass. However, in the meantime I have to suffer through this feeling of uselessness and worthlessness and wait to feel better. Don’t worry though, I have already called my doctor and I have an appointment next Thursday to discuss what’s been going on. I just have to make it till then.
When I first woke up this morning I realized that I felt like crap, so I closed my eyes, rolled over and went back to sleep. I finally crawled out of bed at noon. I only got up then because I had to. I was scheduled to have lunch with my friend M.L. So I got ready and headed downtown. We usually meet at the Starbucks at Sheridan Square on Seventh Avenue and then decide where we are going. I got there about ten minutes early and waited. He finally showed (he’s always a little late) and I was informed that there was no time for lunch. He had at most 30 minutes he could give me. I was devastated. Now I know that I am overreacting, but when your depressed everything holds meaning. So we sat down, he had coffee and I had iced tea. And we chatted. He told me about work. He’s just been promoted to president of his company so work is kicking his butt…in a good way. And I told him about what was going on with me. M.L. is a no nonsense kind of guy. You got a problem. You develop a plan and you deal with it. I don’t work that way. So he laid out all the things I needed to do to get my life in order. I mostly nodded and said sure. He of course never looks at the reasons that his plan won’t work. That’s for other people to deal with, not him. I love him dearly but by the time we were through I was a mess. My depression was worse and I had no idea how to make it better.
I decided that maybe I needed to escape for a little while. I discovered many years ago that when I get into these ruts going to the movies is a “safe” place to hide out for a while so that I don’t get into trouble. So I walked up to 23rd Street to see what was playing at the movies. I had just missed the movie I wanted to see and nothing else was starting anytime soon. So I headed across the street to the other theatre. On my way there I ran into my friend D.J. D.J. is an ex-boyfriend although I use the term lightly. We dated ever so briefly until I realized that he was crazy. Then I ended it. We have remained friends althought we haven’t talked much since I moved to San Diego. D.J. and I wandered through Chelsea and finally decided to get coffee. So we found a place and settled in and chatted. In truth he’s as crazy as he ever was. He over analyzes everything and can’t just “feel” his feelings. He a great guy but it takes effort to be around him for long periods of time.
D.J. and I said our good-byes and by that time I was starving. It was almost 4:00 and I hadn’t eaten all day. So I headed up the street to a little diner that my friends and I often frequent to grab a sandwich. As I walked through the door I say D.B and headed over to say hi. I was about half way there when he said “He’s here.” It took a second but then I realized that he meant D.L.C. Oh, Shit!!! Today was the last day that I needed to run into that asshole. It’s been more than two years since I have seen him and I know eventually I’ll have to face that demon. But not today. Not the way I was feeling. I ducked into D.B.’s booth and hid. I sat there shaking on the verge of another anxiety attack. D.B. calmed me down and we chatted while he waited for his lunch date to arrive. I stayed hidden in the booth until the date got there and then I ducked out.
By the time I left the restaurant I was shaking and miserable. I wandered. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. I had a couple of hours still to waste until my plans for the evening. Finally I found myself in a different diner where I finally got something to eat. I was still out of it but was able to get down some food. I was finally calming down. I met back up with D.B. later and we talked about what had happened. He was very understanding.
After seeing D.B. I met up with my roommate C.Z. We had plans for a very New York evening. C.Z. had been invited to the viewing of a short movie in a swanky NYC apartment in midtown. So we headed to midtown grabbed a quick bite to eat (this was several hours later) and headed to the party. The building was a high rise on the newer side with a very efficient doorman ushering people into the building. I should probably point out at this point that the last thing I wanted to do tonight after my day was go to a party where I didn’t know anyone and try and be social. We got to the party and it was exactly as I had thought it would be. I was older than most of the people in the room by 15 years. They all appeared to be actors. C.Z. and I said our hellos to the host, dropped our jackets in the tiny bedroom with the gorgeous view and then I found a very nice corner to hide in. I spoke to people who happened by me, but strategically that didn’t amount to many people.
The movie was finally started. It was only 25 minutes long and could have been very funny. Unfortunately, I thought it was about 23 minutes longer than it needed to be and wanted it to end almost as soon as it started. As soon as it was over the applause went on and on. I have been at operas with less applause. The director said his thank you’s introduced his team and then the party started again. I resumed holding down my corner of the room until C.Z. was ready to go and then we made our way home. It wasn’t an awful party and I know under different circumstance I would have had much better time. What I did like about the entire evening is that it was so NYC.
That’s it for my day. I hope I haven’t bored you guys to tears but I needed to share what was going on with me.