An Eye-opening Realization…

I’m tired.  I had way to much caffeine last night driving home from Boston and I was wired when I finally got to bed.  Couple that with the two guys screaming at each other next door and it was not a restful night of sleep.  Luckily, the cops finally came and shut the two guys up and eventually I was able to fall asleep.  Unfortunately, I was wide awake at 7:00 this morning.  And if you know me, that’s not typical at all.  I tried and tried to go back to sleep, to no avail, and finally got up at 8:30.   Needless to say, my butt has been dragging a little all day.

As usual there’s not much to report.  Michelle’s girlfriend Lisa got home last night and she spent the day cleaning.  I’ve never seen someone clean, as quickly, efficiently, and as thoroughly as she did.  She started around 11:00 and was still going at it at 4:00.  She was scrubbing floors, and vacuuming, doing laundry, and not a spot when uncovered.  I offered to help several times,  but she made it clear that I should just stay out of the way.  I ended up in my room reading.  At one point I was almost asleep and put the book down and just as suddenly I was awake.  After about 15 or 20 minutes of trying to get to sleep, I said fuck it and came down to my computer.  By that time she’d finished in this room and I was able to read some blogs in peace.

Michelle had worked the overnight shift at her job last night and finally woke up around 4:15 or so.  When she appeared she was all dressed to go walking.  I quickly changed and we headed to the bay.  There were a couple of shirtless boys but I didn’t think either of them were very cute.  There weren’t many people out walking.  The temperature at 5:00 was only around 63 so I think people are starting to stay inside more.

After the walk, we ran a couple of errands.  To the grocery to get some salad dressing for me.  I also picked up a steak for dinner.  It was very delicious.  Then we ran by the post office to drop off my Netflix movies and then to the video store so that Michelle could rent a movie for tonight.  We ended up with Factory Girl.  I hated it.  I thought it was a little bit one note that didn’t really go anywhere till the end.  The performances were great, but I didn’t care for the movie.  Then it was back home for dinner.

The kitchen is Lisa’s domain so she made dinner.  As always it was very good.  I did help set the table and I did some of the dishes afterward, but for the most part I was an innocent bystander.

But as I sat and watched my day unfold around me I became very aware of something.

I had mentioned that I was thinking about staying in Maine for a while.  I like it here, and have met some wonderful people who seem to like me a lot.  It’s been great spending time with Michelle and Lisa and I love them a lot.  But I realized today that I can’t continue to be a guest in their home.  It’s a wonderful place to visit.  They take very good care of me and I don’t think they mind my being here.  But it’s not my home.  Although I feel very comfortable here as a guest, I don’t feel comfortable to stay an extended amount of time.  I can’t watch TV.  I can’t lie on the couch.  I can’t walk around in my underwear.  I can’t leave my dirty dishes in the sink.  I can’t do a lot of things that I could do if this were my house.  And it’s not like they’ve done anything to make me feel anything other than welcome.  It’s just a reality.  If I stay here, I’ll be a guest if their home.  And I don’t want to be that.

I want to be someplace where I feel comfortable being me.  I want to be someplace where if I want to lie on the couch and watch a movie it’s no big deal.  I want to be feel like I belong where I am.  Some of you may ask, why don’t I just move to Portland then.  Well, it’s a little more complicated than that.  I have a  lease on an apartment in NYC that’s not up till next July.  I would never consider breaking the lease or just leaving my roommate holding the bag.  If it were a different roommate maybe.  But I care too much about Chuck to even consider doing that.  It’s also a little cost prohibitive.  If any of you have ever moved long distances, it would cost several thousand dollars to get my stuff from NYC to Portland.  And when you are unemployed 5 bucks is a lot of money.  Five thousand is unimaginable.

So that brings me back to being in Maine.  So I kind of came to the realization that I’m not going to stay.  In fact, if I had a little more notice I would leave for good tomorrow.  Unfortunately, I’ll have to rent a car to get back down there, and it cost more to do that with such little notice.  So on Friday, I’ll come back to Maine.  In the meantime I’m going to reserve a car for next Monday or Tuesday to take me back to the city.  And then I’m left with the very big task of finding a job.  I have to find something even if it’s working at McDonald’s to pay the bills until a job that I want comes open.  The kind of jobs that I’m looking for aren’t really hiring right now and won’t be for the next couple of months.  So next week I have to hit the pavement to look for something.

And now with all of this decided I have to tell Michelle.  She loves me a lot and only wants the best for me.  But I don’t think she’ll understand my reasoning when I say that I want to head back to NYC.  I just have to stand strong and not let her talk me out of it.

And on a last note.  Today was my weigh in.  I’ve lost 20.5 pounds.  Not too bad if I do say so myself.

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8 thoughts on “An Eye-opening Realization…

  1. Lemuel August 21, 2007 / 05:13

    As much as I love Maine and I am envious of your opportunity to be/stay there, I absolutely understand your reasoning and agree. I would not want to stay long term with your friends. I too would want to be out in my own place, free to live as I choose. With the complication of the lease and your (appropriate) unwillingness to stiff your friend, you are facing the kind of choice that most of us face in life. In a perfect world, it would all be so simple! Alas! It is not a perfect world. Best wishes on your decision (however that ends up)!!

  2. Mikell August 21, 2007 / 05:50

    I’m with you on this decision, and would feel exactly the same way. Of course, this is ALSO the reason I’d pay for the hotel stay of someone coming to visit ME.

    Congrats on the loss of poundage!

  3. Kelly August 21, 2007 / 06:27

    first… congrats on the weight loss, that is awesome… second, I understand not wanting to wear out your welcome… I would leave too, but maybe wait until after Labor Day… just finish up the summer with friends and then head back to the city… kind of gives her a little bit of notice that you will be going and also let them know that you do not want to be a weight on their shoulders… again congrats on the weight…

  4. theforgottenhalf August 21, 2007 / 06:48

    Way to go on the weight loss. I know the feeling of being a guest – the walk around in your underwear is the perfect analogy – even though they’re lesbians and wouldn’t care – I guess I would start looking for a way to move back when my city obligations were met.

  5. Paul August 21, 2007 / 08:03

    Ditto everything Kelly said.

  6. Jason August 21, 2007 / 18:58

    Nice job on the weight loss, congrats!

    You can’t walk around in your underwear? I couldn’t deal with that 😉

    If you’re having feelings that it’s time to leave there, trust your gut. Now about a photo of you in your underwear when you return to your place…

  7. urspo August 21, 2007 / 21:53

    no doubt the weight loss is from being virtous and lack of lobster
    just lay off the caffeine; it is bad for the complexion.

  8. Donnie August 22, 2007 / 19:34

    WOO HOO! Congrats on the weight loss, Maddog! *big hug* You’re doing really well.

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