My mother loved her computer. She told me the guy who delivered it kept asking if she was okay because she was all choked up. Of course she yelled at me for buying it, but I knew she would. I did tell her that she had five minutes to get all of the old stuff out of her house. It has to go. The two computers, the two printers, the two monitors, the cables…everything. It has to go. My mother is a pack rat of the most serious kind. She doesn’t throw anything away for fear it might be useful one day. But I told her the only condition of the gift was all the other stuff had to go.
And now on for more amusing things. I spend a lot of time watching TV these days. And I spend a lot of time on the Internet. TV. Internet. TV. Internet. (Does anyone know why these words get capitalized? Just curious.)
Did anyone know that you could order in boys? Yeap. You can go online, write a profile, wait for someone to find you interesting, invite them over and then get into all sorts of trouble. I didn’t know this. Believe or not I haven’t done anything like this since 1901. Seriously, it was probably 2001 the last time I did this. In NYC it’s quicker to just go out and get it. When you go out there are no endless emails back and forth. No fuzzy pictures. No hot men with 12″ dicks showing up at your house weighing 310 with a 4″ penis. Nope. In NYC it’s more efficient to do your shopping in the store.
But let’s just say that your ankle is broken. And you are bored at home. And you are kind of going stir crazy. Perhaps then, and only then would you actually try shopping on line. And so for the past few days I’ve tried this. I’ve discovered a few things and want to point out a few things.
1. Is it really possible that only people under the age of 35 have sex in NYC?
2. Does every man in NYC have a worked out body with six pack abs?
3. Does every man in NYC have an 8.5 thick uncut cock? If this is true I’ve been looking in all the wrong places all this time.
4. By the way: I’m not Latino, a bro, a thug, a nigga, I’m not KOOL, or kewl, i’m not down wit dis, o up wit dat. I’m just saying.
5. Does every gay man in NYC weigh 182 with a 32 inch waist with a swimmer’s body?
6. Not everyone lives in the WV, EV, UWS, LES, FD, WS, PS, BX, or UES.
7. Not everyone will PNP or BB. Nor do they ski. (For any novices out there that means…Party-n-Play, Bareback or do coke. I had to ask what the last one was because I’m too old to know.)
8. Do people really think that it’s all about the cock shot. Not speaking for anyone else but a clear face shot of a cute boy goes a lot further than the picture of his 8.5 thick uncut cock.
9. I find it interesting today that the one site I was on which asks your status, only has one person who is positive out of the 150 on the site. Am I to believe that men who are positive don’t cruise for sex. Or should I believe no one’s owning up to it.
10. The fact that you have an HIV test from 04.26.08 that says you are negative, is only true if you haven’t had sex in the six months prior to the test. And it still won’t keep me from playing safe.
11. Don’t tell me you are DDF (drug and disease free) if you let men cum in your mouth. You might be. You might not be.
12. I’m sure someone thinks your pictures in women’s underwear are hot. But it’s not me.
13. I don’t know how to break this to you. But if you are sucking dick, getting sucked, fucking or getting fucked BY A MAN…YOU ARE GAY!!!! At the least you are BI. It is impossible for you to be straight if you like doing these things.
14. If you list in you profile that you don’t do drugs with the the comment 420/Poppers okay. Perhaps you haven’t realized they’re drugs.
15. No one really believes that it’s your first time being fucked and you’ve decided that it should be a complete stranger you’ve met online. It’s probably the 5th time you’ve been fucked today.
16. I’m not generous. I can be generous, for instance I bought my mom a computer for Mother’s Day. I won’t be generous to you. I won’t give you 20 bucks to touch your cock. I won’t give you 50 to suck it. I won’t give you 75 to let you trim my hair. I won’t pay a 125 for an in call massage. I won’t pay 175 for an out call massage. And I won’t pay 200+ for whatever else that gets you. I may be old and overweight, but I refuse to pay for it….yet.
17. I don’t care that you are on the DL (down low) if you don’t send me a picture we aren’t going to play. What do you think I’m going to do. Come and find your girl friend and show her a picture of your face? Really?
18. You don’t go to hook up websites to meet your next boyfriend. So if you are on Manhunt with a screen name of hungnhornytop with a picture of your 8.5 thick uncut cock. You are probably not looking for a date.
19. Changing your screen name from yesterday doesn’t mean I don’t remember the photograph especially since it’s you modeling your 8.5 thick uncut cock.
20. And last but not least. Get off your pretentious high horse. We are both on the same site. Doing the same thing. Don’t think you are better than me and definitely lose the attitude. If you are not interested in someone be polite and say so. But don’t think just because you have an 8.5 thick uncut cock that you are the end all be all. You will someday be over 35, and you’ll lose your six pack, and someone with a real measuring tape will show you that your 8.5 thick uncut cock is 6.5 inches and was circumcized when you were born because you’re Jewish, not Latino.
It’s fun learning new things when you are stuck at home.
Below is an ad I found on Craigslist today in the NYC>m4m>manhattan site today. Trust me this is completely safe for work unless the oysters are bad.
It’s verbatim. I cut and pasted it into the post.
Oysters on the Half Shell – 32 – (Chelsea) pic
24 oysters, such as Malpeque, Kumamoto, or Belon
Crushed ice or rock salt
Cucumber Mignonette Sauce, recipe follows
Scrub the oysters under cold water with a stiff brush to remove the dirt, especially in the hinge area where mud has a tendency to get trapped. Next, find a durable thick cloth and fold it over several times to create a square; this will steady the oysters as you shuck them and also protect your hand. Using the towel as a mitt, place the oyster, cup-side down in the palm of your towel-covered hand with the hinge facing you; have a small bowl handy to catch the delicious juice. Insert the tip of an oyster knife or dull butter knife as far into the hinge as it will go; don’t jab it in there or you could break the shell. With gentle force, twist the knife back and forth to pry the shell open. Using the knife, cut the muscle away from the top shell, bend the shell back, and discard it. Run the knife underneath the oyster to detach it completely, but leave it in its shell. Tip out the briny liquor into the bowl and pour it back over the shucked oysters. Nestle the oysters in a bed of crushed ice or rock salt to keep them steady. Spoon the cucumber mignonette on top and serve as part of a raw shellfish bar.
Cucumber Mignonette Sauce:
1 cup rice wine vinegar
1 shallot, minced
1-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and grated
1/2 hothouse cucumber, peeled and minced
Several turns freshly ground black pepper
1 handful fresh cilantro leaves, chopped
In a small bowl, combine the rice wine vinegar, shallots, ginger, cucumber, black pepper, and cilantro; mixing with a fork. Cover and chill for at least 1 hour or up to the day before you plan to serve, to allow the flavors to come together. Serve with raw oysters and clams.
Yield: 1 cup
I don’t know if the guy posted the recipe in the wrong section, if he was being funny, or if he’s completely insane. I do know that I cut and pasted it onto my computer to show you. About an hour later there was a recipe for corn, but I didn’t think that was as funny.
Tomorrow I’ll post a picture of my 8.5 thick uncut cock.