I DARE you!!!

Guess who bought a new phone today?  Guess who bought a new phone today?

You’re right.  It was me!!!!!

I probably should have thought about it more, done some research.  But I’ve always been something of an impulse buyer.  What can I say.  So I stopped by the Verizon Store today to see what they had.  In NYC it’s a very serious take a number method.  There were a million people in the store.  So I was directed toward the kiosk, where a very lovely girl was waiting to help me sort of.  She asked me what I needed.  And I told her a new phone, because mine was broken.  So she pointed out the service desk and told me to wait there.  And I said, nope.  I don’t need to get mine fixed I want a new one.  So she pointed me toward another desk to have someone check to see if I was eligible for a new one.  And I said, NOPE!!!  I did all that yesterday.  I’m not only eligible but I get 100 bucks of the marked down price and I’m here to get a new phone.

So then, finally, she has me enter my name into the computer at the kiosk and tells me to look around and someone will be with me shortly.  And it really was shortly.  It couldn’t have been more than three or four minutes before Tucker (I think that was his name) came over to help.  We walked over to the computer so he could look me up and make sure all I was telling him was correct.  And it was, then he asked me what I was looking for.

My only request in a phone was that it had to have a real keyboard.  I’m having to text a lot more than I would like and one of the reasons I refuse to do it is because I hate using the number pad to enter text.  So he points out five models that would work for me.  One of them I rule out right away.  Then there are four.  So then he explains the differences between them.  And I rule another one out, and then another.  So now it’s down to two.  One is a spinny kind with a keyboard hidden beneath it, and the other is Verizon’s version of the I-Phone.  Guess which one I got?  The new LG DARE touch screen phone.

What can I say, I’m a sucker when it comes to bright and shiny.  So he packaged it all up, transferred all my old numbers, convinced me to sign up for the Internet service for a month, and to buy the Bluetooth accesories, and I was on my way.  And I didn’t know how to make a phone call till I was at home.  I tried but none of it made sense.  So I headed home, laid everything out on the coffee table and started to play.  And read the instructions.  And play.  And read.  I still don’t think it all makes sense but for the most part I think it’s going to be great.  And it’s cool.  And that’s what’s most important.

So when you get the chance give me a call.

Here’s a Youtube clip about the phone. (While I’m at it, does anyone know why I can no longer imbed Youtube clips, or how I can fix this problem?)

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Let the Sunshine In!!!

A quick post tonight. It’s 4:48 a.m. I’m not even sure why I’m awake. Actually I know why I’m awake, I just wish that I were asleep right now.

A list of things about today.

My cell phone is on it’s last leg. Now I can’t call out. At least not every time I try. The phone says that it’s calling but the call never goes through. I have to turn the phone on two or three times and try again, before the call will be placed. I called Verizon about it today and they pushed up my “new phone date” by a month so I can get the discounted new phone. I’m going today to get one. I have no idea what I want. I do know that it needs a full keyboard so that texting won’t be such a pain in the ass. Anyone have any suggestions?

I stopped by the movies yesterday. It was okay. I didn’t stay long. I took care of business and was on my way.

My friend Michelle is leaving for her annual trek to Pussyfest in Michigan. It’s actually the annual festival in Michigan for woman. Womyn? I don’t know. I know that she looks forward to it all year long and it starts this week.

I had dinner with my roommate Chuck. At our favorite diner.

And then we attended the new production of Hair being presented by The Public Theatre in Central Park. It’s been 41 years since the show was first produced. And a little bit of trivia that I didn’t know till tonight. It was the first show that The Public Theatre ever produced. It went on to play on Broadway and ran for 1,750 performances. I think they are using our dislike of the war in Iraq as a jumping off place for the need to revive this show. And that works a little. A very little. The biggest problem with that idea is that most of the people in attendance at tonights performance had seen the original production. I know this because there was a show of hands before the show started. It was a much older crowd than I would have imagined. And I’m not sure how you get the message of free love, drug use, and the need for peace through to people who spend their entire lives texting each other. And none of this is helped by the plot/book of the show which is laughable at best. For the most part the plot doesn’t exist. And for those of you who’ve seen the movie the storyline was completely reworked so that the show could work as a film. The two are not even in the same family. And for the most part the show is 27 songs strung together by a very loose storyline. And so in terms of getting a message across, I don’t know that it’s going to happen.

And yet it was FUN! The actor’s were clearly having a good time. The band was great. The boys were cute. And it was hard not to want to get up and dance with them. I have a special attachment to the show because I designed it many years ago. It was not a very good production, but I loved it. And the show will always have a special place in my heart. So if you get the chance go see it. You’ll be glad you did. Besides, tickets are free. You just have to stand in line for them, or do I like I did and have a friend who works on the show get them for you.

And two famous people sightings tonight.

In attendance at the show tonight was:

Matthew Modine. I have no idea what he’s done lately but he looks the same as he always did.

Audra McDonald. She’s beautiful. And if you don’t know musical theatre she’s in the ABC show Family Practice. If you know musical theatre then you’ll know she has won two Tony’s and was in Carousel, Ragtime, Marie Christine, 110 in the Shade, and many other shows. She’s awsome.

And that’s a wrap. Let me know what you think about the phones. I’ll be going tomorrow afternoon to get one.

Waiting Tables — Day 1

There’s a lot to write about tonight.

Sorry about the lack of posts this weekend.  My roommate and I had a house guest and so I couldn’t stay up late at night on my computer in the living room.  And I have yet to figure out how to type on my computer when it’s on my lap.  So I cut my losses and didn’t write.

I worked Friday night.  Waiting tables is like riding a bike.  You fall back into it immediately.  Within 30 minutes it was like I’d never been gone.  Unfortunately, the easy section I chose to be in, involved dealing with two small steps to a lower area.  By the end of the night my ankle was killing me.  By Saturday morning my foot was huge.  I have no idea what’s up with it.  I have an appointment with the orthopedist on Thursday so I’ll let you know what’s up.  I did get someone to cover my Sunday night shift because I wasn’t sure that I was up to dealing with another shift so soon.  I won’t have a choice by the end of the week.  I have to go back to work.

As for the night at work.  It was okay.  My first table had all the personality of a rock.  It was a young couple probably in their late twenties.  The guy was very cute.  I went up to greet them and it was like they weren’t even sitting there.  They barely even acknowledged my presence.  So they ordered their drinks.  One water.  One Rasberry Lemonade.  Great.  I’ll be right back.  So I head off to the computer.  The water was easy.  The rasberry lemonade not so much.  It was a new drink that had been added since I was gone.  I had to find it in the computer, but what would you know it was exactly where it should have been.  So I drop off the two waters (yes, she didn’t order one, but it saves a trip later) and I was off to the bar.  I pick up the drink, take it back to the table, place it in front of the lady and ask if they’ve made any decisions.  They have not.  I tell them to take their time and that I’ll be back in a few.  I hang out in the wait station chatting with my friend Sarah.  After the appropriate amount of time (it’s not scientific, but if you’ve done this for more than a week, there’s an internal clock that tells you when time is up) I head back to the table.  I walk up to the table and before I say anything the woman says, I don’t think this is what I ordered, I wanted the Rasberry lemonade.  I assure her that this is indeed what I gave her.  To which she replies, “But this has alcohol in it.  At first glance I notice that there is a huge drink missing from the glass, but who am I to judge.  I apologize and ask her what she’d like instead.  She wants a virgin rasberry lemonade.  I tell her I’ll see what I can do.

Here’s the funny part.  The woman clearly ordered this off the menu.  She pointed to the item when she ordered it.  And it was clearly on the page that lists nothing but alcoholic drinks.  So how could she have not known that what she was ordering contained alcohol.  It took about two seconds to get her what she wanted, and be back at the table.  And wouldn’t you know it, they still weren’t ready to order.  So I went off in search of a manager to let them know that I’d only been back ten minutes and I already needed a void.  They love me there.

I do have to say that the stiff, boring couple tipped well when they left.  And they were perfectly pleasant, but they definitely didn’t have much personality.

I’ve thought much about the video that I posted on my site for my last post.   I still don’t know whether to be offended or to laugh.  The entire thing is almost surreal.  Like, really, could anyone think like this?  But then I actually waited on ShareceThomas (or someone very similar) on Friday night.  This was especially funny since I’d just written the night before that if I had to wait on her you’d find me on the front page of the Times come Saturday morning.  I watched the host seat them.  And I thought to myself, oh, no.  Here we go.  I hate that waiting brings out the worst in me, but I’ve been around long enough that there are really very few surprises.

And so I approach the table.   And as I walked toward ShareceThomas, I thought to myself.  When this is said and done they will not be able to say they didn’t get good service.

And so I said hello.  And I asked if I could get them anything to drink.  And they confirmed my fears.  The first question they asked was, “How much are the pina coladas?”  “How much are the Long Island Ice Teas?”  “Why aren’t the prices in the menu?”  And so I took a deep breath and very nicely explained that the prices of the drinks weren’t in the menu because the price of alcohol in NYC changes constantly depending on availability etc.  And that the prices in the computer go up and down accordingly.  (I have no idea if this is true.  But it seems to appease most people).  And then I say to them that the prices of the drinks vary depending on how much alcohol is in them, what kind of alcohol is in them and whether they are frozen, etc.  They go back and forth with each other.  Constantly asking how much everything is.

Heres the catch with that.  The prices for drinks are not in the menu.  They never have been, and I doubt they ever will be.  I also have no idea what the prices are.  I know they start around eight bucks and go up to around thirteen bucks.  And why don’t I know the prices.  Well it’s the same reason you don’t know your friend Todd’s number.  Or your sister’s number.  Or for some of us, even your own mother’s number.  You push a button and the computer does the rest for you.  All I know is where to find the drinks in the computer listing.  And to make matters worse we have probably forty drinks listed on are drink menu.  Some of them never get ordered, so for me it seems impossible to be expected to know them all.

And so finally they order two LIT’s, but only if they are less than ten dollars.  I tell them if it’s more I’ll let them know.  Turns out they are 8.50 so it’s not a problem.  And so I go and get the drinks.  And I come back and chat with them about dinner.  By this time we’ve developed a bit of back forth between us.  They think I’m nice and funny.  I know what’s coming but I tell myself maybe not.  They order two cheeseburgers.  But don’t want the fries because that’s extra.   Of course it clearly states on our menu that the burgers and sandwiches all come with fries but they have assumed they don’t.  I tell them it’s not a problem and I ring in their order.  It doesn’t take long for the burgers to land on the table.  I get them ketchup and mustard and ask if there’s anything else I can get for them.  I tell them I’ll be back in a minute or so to make sure the burgers are cooked the way they requested.  I greet the table next to them, get that tables drink order and turn around and ask about the burgers.  They are perfect.

Over the next twenty, thirty minutes I visually check on the table every time I pass.  A good waiter doesn’t have to actually speak to the table to know if something’s needed.  It’s easy to tell that someone needs more ice tea, or extra napkins, etc.  All you have to do is pay attention.  So although I didn’t stop I did know they were happy.  As their drinks neared the bottom I stopped by to ask if they wanted a refill on the LIT’s.  They told me no they were going to wait and drink when they got to the bar later.   I asked if perhaps they’d like a water instead and they said yes.  I even went as far as to ask if they wanted lemon or not in their water.  I dropped off the drinks and was on my way.

A few minutes later I noticed they were finished eating, but that one of them had left half the burger on her plate.  So I stopped by, removed the empty plate and asked if I could get a box for the other one.  She said she’d love to take it with her.  In two seconds I was back with the box and a bag to put the box in.  I waited for her to put the burger in her box (we’ve been told not to do the wrapping.  I’m not sure why, but it’s our store’s policy that if someone wants to take their leftovers home they must wrap them themselves).  I take the empty plate from her and jokingly ask if they’d like dessert, suggesting my favorite.   They assure me they are fine.  I tell them that I’ll be back in a minute with the check.

And I drop it off and tell them that I’ll take care of it when they are ready.  I take care of the other tables in my section and when I turn there is money on the table.  I take the money and tell them I’ll be right back with their change.  They are the first table to pay with cash so I have to go to the office to get change.  I take them their change back, tell them what a pleasure it’s been to wait on them.  I jokingly tell them not to drink too much at the bar tonight, and to please stop back in and see us.   And I turn to wait on another table.

Their check was 55 dollars and some change.

My tip — two dollars.

They got perfect service.  They never wanted for anything.  I was pleasant, and nice and was even funny with them.  And my reward — two bucks.  I didn’t say anything, nor did I let it get to me.  But I did think to myself that, the next time they go out to eat they’ll wonder why the service isn’t good and they have to ask for everything they need.  They won’t get it fast or efficiently, and the waiter might even be rude to them.  And it’s plain and simple.  They have perpetuated the stereotype, and then wonder why they don’t get treated the same.

And just for the record.  This is one story.  About how stereotypes are created.  It’s not true of every person of color that eats out.  But as they say, one bad seed spoils the whole apple.

Back to the Grindstone!

Before you read further, check out this link.

Did you read it? Really.

Then you’ll know that I’m starting to be scared about the things that follow me and I cause. As someone said it’s like I’m a ship in the ocean leaving a wake of destruction behind me.

In last nights post I mentioned that there would be no more crane collapses in NYC because I’m home now and they only happen when I’m gone. And what would you know. I get up, make coffee, turn on CNN just in time to see a story about a crane collapse in Oklahoma City. My GOD I’m going to destroy the world. Who knows what’s going to happen in Kentucky this week. I flew through Texas a week ago and now they are being hammered with a hurricane. Perhaps someone can show me how to tap into this power so that I can use it for good…most of the time. There are a few people that I might want swept a way in a tornado. But you can all rest safely, it’s none of you…”The Director”, Ashley the Cunt.

I have to be up early for me tomorrow, which I hate. My roommate and I are having company this weekend so we sort of have to pick up around the apartment and make it presentable. And you know how I love cleaning. And guess what I get to do tomorrow night. Go on….guess. That’s right. I get to wait tables again tomorrow night. How much fun will that be. I can hardly wait. Actually I can hardly wait to have money in my pocket again…so maybe it won’t be so bad. I do know that everyone at the restaurant seems genuinely happy that I’m returning. I’ve never had a job where they wanted me to come back. Usually they say good riddance and are done with me. I wonder what I’ve done wrong this time. I’m sure I’ll have lots of bitching and complaining when I post tomorrow night. Waiting tables is a wonderful source of blogging subjects.

And that’s all I got. See you tomorrow night. Let’s hope I make a million dollars, or win MegaMillions or at least don’t throw a roll at someone’s head.

I went searching for a funny youtube video to include about waiting tables. The one I found is one of the funniest I’ve ever seen. I’m still laughing about it. I’m laughing so hard I can hardly stand it.

Unfortunately, YouTube isn’t playing nice so you’ll have to click on the link to see it.

Why Da Fuck I Gotta Tip?

If you read about me in the news tomorrow you’ll know she was sat in my section.

Look Ma, No Hands!!!!

For a minute there I thought I was in Oklahoma tonight.

This was the screen capture of the radar weather reading tonight in NYC.  There was insane thunder, and lightening, and reports of hail, and about 60 miles from here the radar was showing circular wind patterns that could have been the start of a tornado.  DAMN.

What is it about me that brings the scary weather on.  If there is a tsunami in the next couple of days, or an earthquake, volcano erupts or brush fires…you’ll know it was just me.  Of course with me back in the city, it is guaranteed that no cranes will topple over and kill anyone.  That only happens when I’m out of the city.

And life continues in the big city.

In California a couple of weeks ago they passed a law that drivers had to use hands free devices.  That’s been true of New York City for quite some time.  I’m proposing they pass the same law for pedestrians.  With penalty of death if not followed.

I’ve been completely annoyed for the last two days walking around the city.

First a little background.  Since I moved here, people have said to me, “New Yorkers are so rude.  They push past you and shove around you and act as though you are in the way and have no right to be on the sidewalk with them.”  And I always reply that yes, this is true.

But…

When you are driving to work on The 5, or I-75, or I-80, or I-95, or the state highway, or the turnpike, or Main Street, or Broadway or any other street that you might travel to get to work, how do you react when you get behind Granny going 45 in a 70 mile an hour zone?  How do you react when Suzy is putting on her make-up and keeps swerving into your lane?  Or how do you react when the Nelsons are slowing down to take pictures of the national landmark that you drive by everyday.  Or when Mr. Johnson does a whole head turn to look at the cute blond that just went by, or the three car pile up on the other side of the street.  Honestly how do you react?  It’s not called road rage for nothing.

So imagine if on foot the streets are your highways.  And all you want to do is get to the subway as quickly as possible, have the train take you to your stop as quickly as possible, and then get to work from the subway as quickly as possible.

Now imagine how you would react if Granny is in front of you taking one step every four seconds and Grampa is holding her hand making it impossible to pass them.  Or imagine if Suzy is putting on her make-up, while walking her dog and talking on her cell phone at the same time.  Imagine that the Nelsons (all 10 of them) have spread across the sidewalk to window shop or take pictures of the Hard Rock, or Planet Hollywood, or the ESPN Zone.  (And why would you take a picture of a restaurant?  I don’t come to your town and take a picture of Buster’s Bar and Grill?)  Or imagine what it’s like to try and get past Mr. Johnson whose whole head is turned around on his neck staring at the ass of the chick who just walked by, and of course he’s still walking forward, but no longer in a straight line.

Yes, I imagine you would push past, shove people out of the way, be rude and get a bad reputation as well.  All I want to do is get to work as quickly as possible.  Yes, I know I live in a tourist destination, but really do you need a picture of everything you walk past.  Do a Google Image search, there are pictures of the same things on line taken by professional photographers.  These photos will look twice as nice as yours.  And do you really need to video tape people crossing the street, or guitars on a wall, or how big TGIF’s is, or the Olive Garden, or a photo of Brad Pitt in a movie.  No you don’t!  So just get out of my way.  If you get out of my way I won’t be rude, I won’t shove you and you won’t think I’m a mean person.

And now for the cell phone portion of the post.  Now imagine all of the people mentioned above on the same block, and all on their cell phones, all even more oblivious than they were before, and if they aren’t talking, they are walking while they text.  And they walk with their heads down, face in the phone, completely unaware that 12 people have just had to dart out of the way to keep from being run over by them.  It’s enough to make you go “school” on them (no one shoots people in the post office any more) and shove them into oncoming traffic.  And no jury in the city would convict you because they would have pushed their own Granny’s, Grampa’s, Suzy’s, Mr. Nelsons, and Mr. Johnson’s into oncoming traffic on their way to court.

And all of this could be eliminated if we just passed a hand’s free law.  Make it a law that to talk on your headset while walking you must have an earpiece.  To text, you must move all the way to the left or the right side of the sidewalk, stop where you are, until you finish the text.  To take pictures you must move all the way to the outside of the sidewalk and gather in a single line following the street.  As for make-up, it’s not going to help so why bother.  And as for Mr. Johnson whose head is turned around, really?  Really?  You think you could get that girl?  She’s not THAT hot anyway, and if you just want to look at a hot chick, move to the side of the sidewalk, pull out your I-Phone and do a search for hot babes on line.  You are more likely to get somewhere with them, than the girl that just walked by.

And one last note.  Do you really have to hold hands as you walk down the street?  In Times Square?  The place is a fucking zoo.  There are 10 million people per square block.  And you take up the space of three people when you are holding hands.  So don’t.  And if you do, don’t be surprised if I walk right between you and make you play “Red Rover, Red Rover” with me.  And trust me.  I will always win!!!

And just so you know, it’s actually more dangerous to walk in NYC than it is to drive or ride in a car.  And this is simply because I push so many people into traffic.

Just think how many lives could be saved with a Hands Free Law.

Maddog’s Day Off

I had a very productive first full day back in NYC. I actually woke up at 7:30 a.m. (I added the a.m. because if you’ve been reading for more than a day you know it could just as easily have been p.m.) but decided that was too early to be awake, so I rolled over and went back to sleep. I finally got out of bed at 9:30.

By 12:15 I was downtown.

First stop. The bank. I received a very large reimbursement check from Oklahoma yesterday and it needed to go into the bank before I overdrew my account.

Second stop. The restaurant. Maybe it was my imagination, but everyone seemed genuinely glad to see me. One of the first people I saw was my manager Allan. And boy was he glad to see me. I’ve never worked at a job where the management liked me. Usually they are glad to get rid of me. He had a great big smile on his face and immediately wanted to know when he could start scheduling me again. And he was very happy when I told him next week. I’m actually going to work three shifts next week with a full day off between them. I want to make sure that I’m not pushing myself too much with the ankle. But at the same time if I don’t make some money, someone out there is going to have to let me live on the sofa because Chuck is going to kick me out. I also picked up a shift for this Friday. It’s the easiest section in the restaurant. So it should be easy to work, and not too stressful for my first shift back in four months. Of course there seems to be some discrepansy in what I have to do exactly to be allowed to come back to work. Do I need a doctor’s note? Do I just show up? Do I have to be put back into the system? And of course the person who could answer all of those questions was in a meeting with all the other managers and so I have to wait till tomorrow to find out what the answer is.

After work it was pampering time. I’ve only had my hair cut once in the last three months so it was a little long. Well long for me. I’d been trying to let it grow out so that I could at least comb it. Normally I keep it very short. At one time it was so short that the sides were cut with a straight razor. And on two occasions I shaved my head. It was fun but I wouldn’t do it again. So I went to my normal barber and got a hair cut. It’s still long for me, but it’s much shorter and much cleaner than it was. I’ll let you know tomorrow how it looks after I wash it and try to make it do something other than just sit there.

And the pampering part. I got a shave.

With a straight razor.

It was wonderful.

When I lived in New York before I got a shave on a regular basis. But I haven’t had one at all since I moved back. And I couldn’t really afford it today but it was the least I could do for myself after two long months of stress and worry. To me, it’s just as nice as a massage. First they tilt you back and rub this cucumber stuff on your face to loosen up your beard. (I broke my razor three weeks ago and haven’t shaved since, so it was pretty full. For me). Then they put a VERY hot towel on your whole face, and let it sit for a minute or so. Then it’s taken off and you get shaving cream, also warm. And then they start to shave you. It’s very gentle and soothing as they do this. Once they finish it’s time for the hot cloth again. Once that comes off they go back over your face with the razor to make sure they didn’t miss anything. And then it’s time for another hot towel. And then alcohol, which stings a little, but is very cool. And then comes the face massage. It looks like some contraption out of the 50’s. It shakes and vibrates and this is used over you entire face and shoulders. In all it probably takes about 25 or 30 minutes to be clean shaven. I could go to sleep while they do this. I felt like a new man when I got out of the chair. New York is the only place I know that still offers a shave in the barber shop. I tried to get one in San Diego but was told it was against the law. And I did the same in Iowa but was told they no longer do them. I’m sure with the close shaves most of our new razors give that most men don’t think about it. I’ve seen men get their chests buffed and shaved in this shop. I’d have to be in much better shape to do that. But if you ever get the chance to get a straight razor shave. Sit back, relax, and enjoy it. It’s much cheaper than a trip to the spa but just as wonderful.

Gillette Fusion Commercial

And that my friends was my day.

Delta Airlines is Wonderful — Who’s counting???

There’s no place like home!!!

YouTube won’t let me inbed this tonight so you’ll just have to click on the link above, though it won’t have the same effect.

There’s no place like home.

And I love New York.

The girl who does my laundry wanted to know where I’ve been.

The guy at the Chinese restaurant remembered my order and knew my address.

I lived in San Diego for three years and no one cared if I was in the city or not.

I also love Lydia, who cleaned are apartment today.  She’s the greatest.

And I love my sofa.

And I love my apartment.

And I love Chuck.

And I love New York.

And I’m very happy to be here.

And did I mention that I love Delta.

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

I got to the airport and was running late today because I spent an extra 15 minutes with my mom.  I got the sad face which always gets to me when I leave.  But finally at 5:15 I was in the car on my way.  It’s a quick trip to the airport, but my flight was at 6:15 and I still had to return my rental car.  So by the time I got to the ticket counter it was about 5:40.  I swiped my credit card and put in my flight information and was told that I couldn’t check in, and that I needed to see a ticket agent.  I’d already heard a couple of people be told that their flights to Cincinnati were delayed and they would need to be re-routed to make their connections.  I was expecting the worst.  So the nice lady behind the counter asks for my name and flight information and says, “You are going to Richmond, Virginia?”  I told her, “No I’m flying through Richmond, but I’m going to NYC.”  And she replies, “Well would you mind flying non-stop?”  I said, “Uh, NO!!!!  I would love you if you can make that happen.”  And while she was making that happen I said to her, “I suppose I’m pushing my luck if I ask for an aisle seat.”  And she replied, “Consider it done.”

Now the only catch to this was that it was now 5:45 and my new flight left at 6:00.  So I was told to go, and hurry but that I should be fine.  So I rushed through security, thankfully there was hardly anyone in line, and ran for the gate.  As I ran I called my mom to tell her that I wouldn’t be calling her on all of my layovers.  Did I mention that it was two layovers.  Three flights.  Yes, this new itinerary was shaving off almost five hours of travel for me.  And if you ask why I scheduled it that way, it’s because the non-stop was 800 bucks, one connection was 500 bucks and two connections was 250 bucks.  And when you’ve been unemployed more or less for three months you save where you can.  So my mom was expecting me to call on each leg of my flight, so I called her to tell she wouldn’t hear from me till I got to NYC.  I also told her that I couldn’t talk and needed to go.  And she continued to talk.  And I told her I needed to go.  And she continued to talk.  And I told her I needed to go.  And she contintin….I hung up on her.

And then I called the car service that I use to get to and from that airport.  Yes I could take public transportation but it can add more than a hour to the trip and I just wanted to be home.  And I use my friend Lou’s account, so he pays…so I take advantage of it.  So I’m on the phone with the car service and they ask for my name and I give it to them.  And then they ask me to spell it so I do.  I don’t have a common last name.  Not at all.  99% of the time no one’s ever heard of it.  And it’s so unusual that most people think that I’ve made it up.  And 99% of the time I have to assure people that indeed it is my name, that it’s not made up and that it’s spelled just the way it sounds.  So I was in the middle of this conversation standing in line to get on the plane when the girl in front of me turns around and shows me her license.  Her name is Sarah __________________.  What are the odds that someone with my last name is standing in front of me getting on the airplane.  And we are both from Kentucky and we are not related.  I’d never seen her before in my life.  We were the last two to board the plane so we didn’t talk much.  But after the flight I discovered that she’s from one county over from my mom and that she lives in NYC and that she’s had people ask her if she knew me.  I thought that was pretty cool.  And although I found out all that information she was not forthcoming in any real details.

So I got home in two hours instead of seven.  And I met another person in NYC with my last name.  And I’m home in NYC.  And it’s nice to be here.

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Delta Airlines is Wonderful!!!!

Where in the World Is Maddog? Day 60

Today is day 60 since I left for Oklahoma.  Two months.  Wow!  Can it be that this trip is really over?  Can it be that I get to sleep in my own bed tonight (it’s 1:28.  My flight leaves at 6:15 a.m.)?  Can I really sit on my own sofa tonight and put my feet up on my coffee table?  (I get the sofa tonight, Chuck.  No arguments).  I can hardly wait.  It’s been a good trip for the most part.  Yes, it’s been stressful.  And I became an alcoholic.  And I got fat.  And I stayed longer than I was supposed to.  But in all it was a successful trip.

So I thought I would end my days of being on the road with things I learned along the way.  In no particular order.

1.  My brother is a dick.  An ass.  Inconsiderate.  A prick.  Worthless.  And pretty much useless to me at this point.  (This will be covered later in the week.)

2.  My mom can be a bitch.  Which explains alot about me.  No Comments!!!

3.  I love my mom a lot and I want to try to do more for her in the next year.  I’m not here to mow the yard and help around the house, but I am in place where I can help financially.  So I’d like to do that more.

4.  In Kentucky and Oklahoma most of the time I’m not the fattest person in the room.

5.  It seems longer hair is making a comeback.  I’ve tried it.  It looks like crap on me.  I’m getting my hair cut on Tuesday. 

6.  Jewelry on men seems to also be making comeback.  I’m not so sure I like this one.

7.  I think I want to get a master’s degree and write my thesis on my travels to “the movies” and “watering holes”.  There’s a lot to be learned about the cultures, the traditions, the guidelines, the differences.  I want to write the How to Book for dummies.

8.  After experiences like the one this summer I am reminded that I’m a good lighting designer. 

9.  After experiences like the one this summer I want to never design a show again.

10.  I want to never work with “The Director” again.

11.  I will probably work with “The Director” again.

12.  I want to marry Kelly and keep her to myself.  So that she can stage manage every show I do for the rest of my life.

13.  I wish that I was the only “Maddog” in Kelly’s life.

14.  It’s almost impossible to eat healthy when I visit my mom’s.

15.  It’s even harder to eat healthy when I’m in Oklahoma because breakfast/lunch/dinner are all eaten on the go.  Usually in about 10 minutes so that we can go back to work.

16.  I really wished that I liked being in Kentucky more.  The only reason I come here is to see my mom.  When she is gone I don’t see myself coming back unless I have to.

17.  It’s nice to look at 20 year olds, and it would be nice to do more with them.  But I DON’T want to have conversation with them.

18.  I need to save more so that next time I’m in a bind I don’t have to ask so many people for help.

19.  I need to get more sleep.  40+ year old people are supposed to get more than three hours of sleep a night.  I need about ten.

20.  If “Ashley the Cunt” can get a job teaching there is hope for me.

21.  When you expect the worst from people and they don’t deliver, it’s a nice surprise.

22.  That it’s important to know when to speak and when not to speak.  And I can’t expect the 12 year olds who work for me to know the difference.

23.  That it’s easier to let the passengers in your car pick the music than fight over it.

24.  That getting drunk and talking about dead parents can open the door for a life long friendship.

25.  Just because I take my job seriously doesn’t mean that everyone else takes my job seriously.

26.  That it’s often cheaper to go to the movies than it is to go the movies.

27.  Get everything in writing. 

28.  Ask for more.

29.  Demand more.

30.  Accept nothing less.

31.  Patience goes a long way.

32.  Please and thank-you go even farther.

33.  If you know you are going to snap at someone, it’s better to tell them up front that it’s going to happend and apologize later.  They don’t take it so personally then.

34.  Sometimes the person who knows the least does the best job.

35.  That it seems everyone thinks it’s okay to ask me what I make as a waiter.  If I were a doctor, or lawyer, or garbage man, or restraunt manager no one would ask.  Because I wait tables it seems to be open for discussion.

36.  I don’t mind telling people how much I make because it give credibility to the job when I explain how much more I make working four days a week, when I want then they do at their full time jobs. 

37.  I’m actually looking forward to going back to the restaurant.

38.  I have a lot of anxiety about going back to the restaurant.  (I had a dream about a week ago that I showed up for work, but no one knew who I was and no one remembered me ever having worked there.  It didn’t help that everything had been moved around and I didn’t know where anything was.

39.  I hate being in debt to my friends.  Concerning money.  I’m always endebted to my friends.

40.  That it’s okay to not like people that everyone else swoons over.

41.  That it’s okay to not be liked by people who like everybody.

42.  That Oklahoma has the best convenience stores ever.  Hands down.  They are clean, and the employees are friendly.  And I think they must be tested on how fast they can count change, because even when the parking lot is full it never takes more than a couple of minutes.  Their employees on the whole seem smarter than in most places.  For example I went in to the store today to prepay for my gas and I was told that I couldn’t do that because pump #7 (my pump) was a prepay only pump.  I’m still confused about that one.

43.  That no one seems to mind that there’s a tranny working at the convenience store near my mom.  (She’s the one who yelled at me about prepaying.  Maybe her hormones are effecting her.)

44.  That I actually like by boyfriend’s blind ex-boyfriend better than I like my brother.

45.  I love my roommate.  He’s the best roommate ever.  And I miss him.

46.  That more foods than I realized now give me indigestion.  Ugh, getting old.

47.  That my relatives also suck ass. 

48.  That I would like to kidnap my cousins new baby and protect him before he’s taught to hate, and be racist, and smoke, and curse, and do drugs, and be a sorry excuse for a human being.

49.  I wish I didn’t feel that way in #48.

50.  But I do.

51.  That boys in Kentucky are cuter than boys in Oklahoma.

52.  That boys in New York are cuter than boys in Kentucky.

53.  That men in Kentucky are VERY hot!

54.  That it’s possible to weigh more than I do and yet still have a 34 inch waist.  How is that possible?  When I get fat, I get fat all over.  There’s a condition in Kentucky and Oklahoma where one only gets fat in the belly. 

55.  That actor’s aren’t bad people if you give them a chance.

56.  That being 43 and living in a dorm for two months is more fun than it sounds.

57.  Did I mention my brother’s an ass.  And worthless.  And has syphillis.

58.  I didn’t think so.

59.  That I really wish my mom would go on vacation for a week and let me “CLEAN” her house and declutter the hell out of it.

60.  I miss San Diego.  A lot more than I thought.

61.  I especially miss Todd.

62.  I don’t know what to do with the remote when you have a keyless ignition.  (Anyone out there have suggestion?)

63.  That it’s worth the extra 25 bucks to get the luxury car.

64.  That as much as I hate texting that I have to move into the 21st Century because everyone else does it. 

65.  That next month when I get my free new phone that it must be easier to text on.

66.  That it’s okay to have a crush on a 20 year old, as long as it’s just that.  A crush.

67.  That my flights don’t seem so long if I don’t sleep the night before, forcing me to sleep on the plane.  (As I type this I have to be up in 2:23 and my flight leaves in four hours.

68.  I can’t wait to get home tomorrow because Lydia will have cleaned.

69.  That the faces don’t change at the movies.  The same faces that were there the first time I ever went are still there now.  The tickets are sold by the same people as well.

70.  Some of the people mentioned above look better than they did 20 years ago.  A few of them look like crap.

71.  It’s hard to live a week without the Internet.

72.  That I have to remember my mom knows nothing about computers when I try to show her what to do.  I don’t know much more.

73.  That everyone has a problem with my sleeping late but me.  Who cares if I sleep 12 hours if I show up to work on time?

74.  It hurts to step on the cap from a beer bottle.

75.  Playing cards can be more fun than I remembered.  If there are beer and friends involved.

76.  That Connie and Carla really is a fabulous movie.

77.  That I like Candide more than I though I did.

78.  That I like Into the Woods more than I thought I did.

79.  I’m still unsure about Pirates.

80.  I like designing lights even though there is often a lot of stress.

81.  I hate that the bonds you make in these situations are momentary.  And now that everyone has gone back to their lifes there is nothing to connect you anymore.

82.  That it’s okay to not answer my phone.  In fact it’s my right to answer or not answer.

83.  That I really like blogging.  And I don’t worry as much as I used to about it.  But I’m still not sure that I like that I told Kelly about it.  I’m not sure what she’ll think when she reads about the “real” me.

84.  That I have the best friends ever.

85.  That facebook can be addicting.  (Don’t judge.)

86.  That it doesn’t really help to get mad when things don’t go your way.  Just be nice, and then go home and blog about it.  American Airlines and Verizon still suck.

87.  That I wish I hadn’t told myself that I would write 100 of these things.

88.  That I hate that in 2 hours and 30 minutes I’ll have to deal with my mom who’s despondant that I’m leaving because she has no idea when I’m coming to visit again.  She’ll beg me to stay.

89.  She probably would be less upset if my brother weren’t a douche bag.  (That’s for you Kelly).

90.  I don’t really miss living in Kentucky at all.  I only miss my mom.

91.  That I have no idea how I lived with out air conditioning for the first 18 years of my life.

92.  That when I go to Oklahoma I could take about 1/3 less and still have enough.  We don’t dress up.  We don’t wear long pants.  I only need one pair of shoes.  Mostly I need underwear and socks.

93.  That I’ve never had actor’s express to me how much they appreciated my hard work and talent.  I had two actor’s tell me they would not return if Kelly and I didn’t return.  Who knows if that’s true but it’s nice to hear.

94.  That not everyone who calls themselves a stage manager can actually call a show.  And trust me there’s nothing worse than a stage manager who can’t call a show.

95.  That food cooked from the garden tastes better.  No questions asked.

96.  That I hate shaving but I hate having a beard more.  I broke my razor and haven’t replaced it so it’s been almost four weeks since I shaved last.

97.  More people like me than I think like me.

98.  More people hate me than I think hate me.

99.  That I can fly without the drugs but it’s so much easier with them.

100.  That for the most part, even though I’m fat, and broke, and  don’t have a boy friend, and hate most of my family, and wish I had a more lucrative “real” career that I’m still pretty happy.  

That’s my list.  Everyone who read to the end gets a prize. 

No tome for spill chekin.  Fogive em.

Day 4 in Kentucky– Day 59 and counting…

Still in Kentucky with mom.  It’s been okay for the most part.  I’m enjoying myself much more than usual.  Mom cooked dinner tonight and almost all of it was from her garden.  We had fresh corn on the cob, tomatoes and cottage cheese, fried squash (it is Kentucky, don’t judge), regular cucumbers and lemon cucumbers (anyone out there ever heard of these or seen them).

They are cute aren’t they?

 

Homemade cornbread and green beans, cooked the way god intended them to be cooked.  They simmered on the stove all day with bacon.  Yum.  I feel like I’m forgetting something.  It wasn’t the healthiest meal I’ve ever had but it tasted great. 

I was annoyed today just a little.  My mom does this thing where she tells me I need to call so and so.  And she won’t let it go.  Every time I move she’ll say “don’t forget to call so and so.”  Or even worse, when the phone rings she’ll say she’s too busy to answer it and makes me do it, so I’m forced to talk to them.  And this annoys the fuck out of me.  I’ve already seen and talked to all of the relatives that I want to talk to.  Everyone knows I’m home so if they really wanted to see me they’d stop by, we’ve been home all day.  And I guess the reason I’m really annoyed is that I don’t really like the people she wants me to talk to.  If I did, I’d have made a point to go see them.  Of course I don’t say any of this to her.  I sit there and nod, and say I’ll do it later.  And I conveniently have to go the bathroom everytime the phone rings.  It worked for the most part today.

Into The Woods Last Midnight


A short and sweet post tonight. This is the video from my favorite moment in all three shows. It’s from Into the Woods and is the song the witch sings just before she disappeared. As you know “The Director” is a bit of an idiot, so the disappearance became a lighting problem. And trust me you can only do so much with light. So along with my crew we created the effect that allowed her to disappear. It’s not as “magical as I would have liked it to be but I think it worked.

And thanks everyone for validating my existance. I can go on living for one more day.