Look Ma, No Hands!!!!

For a minute there I thought I was in Oklahoma tonight.

This was the screen capture of the radar weather reading tonight in NYC.  There was insane thunder, and lightening, and reports of hail, and about 60 miles from here the radar was showing circular wind patterns that could have been the start of a tornado.  DAMN.

What is it about me that brings the scary weather on.  If there is a tsunami in the next couple of days, or an earthquake, volcano erupts or brush fires…you’ll know it was just me.  Of course with me back in the city, it is guaranteed that no cranes will topple over and kill anyone.  That only happens when I’m out of the city.

And life continues in the big city.

In California a couple of weeks ago they passed a law that drivers had to use hands free devices.  That’s been true of New York City for quite some time.  I’m proposing they pass the same law for pedestrians.  With penalty of death if not followed.

I’ve been completely annoyed for the last two days walking around the city.

First a little background.  Since I moved here, people have said to me, “New Yorkers are so rude.  They push past you and shove around you and act as though you are in the way and have no right to be on the sidewalk with them.”  And I always reply that yes, this is true.

But…

When you are driving to work on The 5, or I-75, or I-80, or I-95, or the state highway, or the turnpike, or Main Street, or Broadway or any other street that you might travel to get to work, how do you react when you get behind Granny going 45 in a 70 mile an hour zone?  How do you react when Suzy is putting on her make-up and keeps swerving into your lane?  Or how do you react when the Nelsons are slowing down to take pictures of the national landmark that you drive by everyday.  Or when Mr. Johnson does a whole head turn to look at the cute blond that just went by, or the three car pile up on the other side of the street.  Honestly how do you react?  It’s not called road rage for nothing.

So imagine if on foot the streets are your highways.  And all you want to do is get to the subway as quickly as possible, have the train take you to your stop as quickly as possible, and then get to work from the subway as quickly as possible.

Now imagine how you would react if Granny is in front of you taking one step every four seconds and Grampa is holding her hand making it impossible to pass them.  Or imagine if Suzy is putting on her make-up, while walking her dog and talking on her cell phone at the same time.  Imagine that the Nelsons (all 10 of them) have spread across the sidewalk to window shop or take pictures of the Hard Rock, or Planet Hollywood, or the ESPN Zone.  (And why would you take a picture of a restaurant?  I don’t come to your town and take a picture of Buster’s Bar and Grill?)  Or imagine what it’s like to try and get past Mr. Johnson whose whole head is turned around on his neck staring at the ass of the chick who just walked by, and of course he’s still walking forward, but no longer in a straight line.

Yes, I imagine you would push past, shove people out of the way, be rude and get a bad reputation as well.  All I want to do is get to work as quickly as possible.  Yes, I know I live in a tourist destination, but really do you need a picture of everything you walk past.  Do a Google Image search, there are pictures of the same things on line taken by professional photographers.  These photos will look twice as nice as yours.  And do you really need to video tape people crossing the street, or guitars on a wall, or how big TGIF’s is, or the Olive Garden, or a photo of Brad Pitt in a movie.  No you don’t!  So just get out of my way.  If you get out of my way I won’t be rude, I won’t shove you and you won’t think I’m a mean person.

And now for the cell phone portion of the post.  Now imagine all of the people mentioned above on the same block, and all on their cell phones, all even more oblivious than they were before, and if they aren’t talking, they are walking while they text.  And they walk with their heads down, face in the phone, completely unaware that 12 people have just had to dart out of the way to keep from being run over by them.  It’s enough to make you go “school” on them (no one shoots people in the post office any more) and shove them into oncoming traffic.  And no jury in the city would convict you because they would have pushed their own Granny’s, Grampa’s, Suzy’s, Mr. Nelsons, and Mr. Johnson’s into oncoming traffic on their way to court.

And all of this could be eliminated if we just passed a hand’s free law.  Make it a law that to talk on your headset while walking you must have an earpiece.  To text, you must move all the way to the left or the right side of the sidewalk, stop where you are, until you finish the text.  To take pictures you must move all the way to the outside of the sidewalk and gather in a single line following the street.  As for make-up, it’s not going to help so why bother.  And as for Mr. Johnson whose head is turned around, really?  Really?  You think you could get that girl?  She’s not THAT hot anyway, and if you just want to look at a hot chick, move to the side of the sidewalk, pull out your I-Phone and do a search for hot babes on line.  You are more likely to get somewhere with them, than the girl that just walked by.

And one last note.  Do you really have to hold hands as you walk down the street?  In Times Square?  The place is a fucking zoo.  There are 10 million people per square block.  And you take up the space of three people when you are holding hands.  So don’t.  And if you do, don’t be surprised if I walk right between you and make you play “Red Rover, Red Rover” with me.  And trust me.  I will always win!!!

And just so you know, it’s actually more dangerous to walk in NYC than it is to drive or ride in a car.  And this is simply because I push so many people into traffic.

Just think how many lives could be saved with a Hands Free Law.

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7 thoughts on “Look Ma, No Hands!!!!

  1. Rick July 24, 2008 / 04:28

    Interesting analogy of the NY sidewalks as equivalent to highways elsewhere. I never thought of it like that.

    Alarming statistics!

  2. Lemuel July 24, 2008 / 06:37

    I agree with Rick – you presented a marvelous case in you analogy of sidewalks for a city like NYC and highways in the hinterlands. Kudos!

    I had not head the expression “go school on”. I loved it!

    I also loved your comment about playing “Red Rover” with hand holders.

    I have the same reaction with people in stores – particularly grocery stores.

  3. Peter July 24, 2008 / 07:42

    I love it when you Bitch. Ever thought of tackling the people who… walk with their heads down, face in the phone, completely unaware that 12 people have just had to dart out of the way to keep from being run over by them…

  4. Cincy Diva July 24, 2008 / 10:08

    People can say what they want about NYC and other big cities being rude and all. Usually, it’s in the boondocks where people are always friendly and hide what they really think that the grisly multiple axe murders happen.

  5. javabear July 24, 2008 / 13:37

    Maddog, were you having a flashback to a bad (acid) trip with that weather experience?

    Are you familiar with the principles of fluid flow? My husband (an engineer) explained it to me once. It applies to the flow of pedestrian traffic rather well. Along the edges things move more slowly. Toward the center the flow moves faster. This doesn’t account for obstructions in the center, though, of course. Basically it sounds like you’re screwed.

  6. Donnie July 24, 2008 / 15:03

    Whew! I just did a marathon blog reading. I just caught up on your last 11 blog posts, Maddog. I’m glad to see you’re back home in NY (safe & sound).

    I fell out of both blogging and reading blogs. Please forgive me…I’ll try to do better. 😉

  7. Urspo July 25, 2008 / 00:16

    i love violent weather so that sounds jolly good fun
    I am getting more into the notion cell phones should all be banned in any form; nasty things.

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