God, do I feel guilty. I haven’t posted in severa…

God, do I feel guilty. I haven’t posted in several days. But wait, I do have an excuse. I moved today. The movers came and took my belongings away and left me with a mess of an apartment that I will clean tomorrow. So my excuse for not writing is that I have been spending every spare moment getting ready for this move.

And it was the worst move ever. It took almost 10 hours for the movers to take the belongings of my one bedroom apartment, put them on a truck and move them cross town to my friend T.M.’s garage where they will live for two months. 10 hours. Why 10 hours.

The movers arrived 3 hours late because of some problem they had with a move from yesterday. So instead of arriving at 8 they were at my apartment at 11. Two guys and a truck. Except it turns out it was only 1.5 guys and a truck. James, I find out is new and has never done this before. Fine, so it’ll start slow but get better, I mean everyone has moved either a friend or themselves. There’s not that much to learn. What I didn’t bargain for is the unnaturally hot San Diego weather that we have been having. It was in the 90’s today. This is unbearable in a city that never sees the temperature above 70. So poor James, he started to melt almost immediately, and began saying things like “It’s hot, and the hot makes me tired”. I am translating loosely since he spoke hardly a word of English. Not that I mind once again, anyone can be a mover. But as the day wore on it only got worse, until Frederico the boss guy comes to me and says “James is done, he can’t take it anymore I am sending him home. It’s now 1:00 p.m. and they’ve barely started. So now instead of 1.5 guys, I am down to 1. I am told that a replacement is on the way, and i try and stay calm, ignoring the fact that I am paying a ridiculous hourly rate for these guys.

It’s now 1:30, did I mention the replacement is on the way. Now it’s 2:00 and the replacement is on the way. 2:30 still coming. 3:00 not here yet. 3:30 he just left the office. 4:00 he’s only about 10 minutes away. 4:30 ah, here you are. It’s only 3.5 hours later that they finally get me someone. Turns out he’s the boss of the San Diego office. Also turns out that he has to do all of his end of day paperwork while he’s at my house so I still only have 1 mover and the day is wasting away and did I mention that I have plans to have dinner with a couple friends followed by the going to the theatre.

At 6:30 finally the last of my belongings are on the truck. What I haven’t mentioned yet is the argument I have had with the boss who tells me for my aggravation they are taking off 10 dollars an hour to make me happy. I go ballistic. I ask him how 70 dollars is going to help offset the fact that my move is still not finished and the whole thing should have taken four hours start to finish. He just glares at me, I glare at him and we agree that we’ll discuss at the end of the day, which is fine except that I am scared I am going to get a bill for 2,000 bucks for a move that should have cost 500.

So I give them directions to T.M’s house and off we go. Did I mention that drive time is calculated at double time and it’s now rush hour and we are driving 10 miles on the freeway. Did I also mention that it’s 6:30 and I haven’t eaten all day. So I get in my car and stop and get food and a soda and then drive to T.M.’s. It’s now almost 7:00. No truck. It’s almost 7:30 before they show up with my stuff. And now in case you haven’t noticed, dinner plans have been cancelled and I’m supposed to be sitting in my seat at the theatre at 8:00. Yeah, those plans are down the drain as well.

It takes them another 2 hours to unload the truck. So now my day is shot. I am pissed, I am tired. (I didn’t mention that I went to bed at 5:30 a.m. because I was doing the last of my packing.) I am hungry. I want a beer and I want all of this to not cost me a million dollars.

In the end it worked out okay. We negotiated times and costs until we found terms that we both would live with. The move cost more than it should have, but it didn’t come anywhere close to my fears. I got dinner with T.M. which included two beers. Came home, had some ice-cream and am now blogging and am about to fall asleep at my computer. It has been one VERY long day. But the first part of the move is over. I leave for Portland, Maine on Sunday and then fly to NYC on July 10.

Thanks for listening to my rant. I apologize now for my worse than normal spellnig, grammar and anything else that doesn’t make sense. I’ll be more coherent tomorrow.

I have to confess that I like country music. As a…

I have to confess that I like country music. As a child my brother and I were exposed to artist such as Loretta Lynn, Charlie Pride, Hank Williams (the original), Merle Haggard, Roy Clark, Buck Owens, Dolly Parton and the list goes on. As with most things I like, I do it in phases. One day it’s all I listen to and then I go months without even thinking about it.

Today was a listen to country music sort of day. I was surfing radio stations and came up on KSON in San Diego. I am aware of the station, I listened to it a lot when I first moved here. So I am driving home from dinner with the windows rolled down and the warm summer wind is blowing and I am enjoying the country music. And then…

A politically conservative song comes on. What happened to country songs about wrecking your truck, or getting dumped? Or songs about being from the mountains, or a gambler or crazy. Today it seems like every third song is a flag waving, fuck the Taliban, red-state lovin’ anthem. Do you think that it has never occurred to the broadcasters, dj’s and the station owners that we are all not conservative. What’s even worse is they don’t even give equal air time. Many stations still don’t play the Dixie Chicks and who’s ever heard of a liberal country song.

The song that I heard tonight was called Politically Uncorrect. Here’s link to the lyrics if you want to see what the songs about.I however didn’t change the station right away. I listened to the song. One of the few things I remember about a religion class I took in undergrad was the Southern Baptist Minister saying if you want to make an argument you better know everything there is to know about the other guys point of view. So I listened, and tried to be calm, but the more I listened the angrier I got. What pisses me off the most is that there is a shared belief amongst most conservatives that if I criticize the President I am against the flag. If I criticize the war then I am against the soldiers. If I criticize religion I am against the Bible. If I don’t support tax cuts for the wealthy then I am against the working man.

In truth all of this is unfounded. I will never support this President, but I’d be the first to sign up to fight if the war were justified. I will never support this war, but I want nothing more than for every man and woman serving in the military to come home safely. Although I have been turned against organized religion because of the insane beliefs that most of them support, I do have a faith in a God of my choosing and trust me he/she/it is not an angry judgmental God. And let’s face it I can use 200 dollars as much as the next person but I also know there isn’t near enough money for education, health care, and other beneficial programs that many of us rely on. And yet if we listen to what country stations say I Hate America.

And so at the end of the song I turned the radio off and decided the that maybe listening to country music on the way home wasn’t such a great idea after all. So I called my ex-boyfriend C.T. (you read about him last weekend) to find out how his first Denver Pride was. I am not angry now. I am sad. It truly depresses me to think half the country really has no tolerance for me. They don’t believe I have a right to the privileges that are guaranteed me by the Constitution. They believe that I am evil and that untold bad things are destined to come to me. And what makes me most sad is how much everyone I know who disagrees with conservatives support the Conservative Right’s right to their opinion.

I am awake! Not that I don’t wake up everyday, bu…

I am awake! Not that I don’t wake up everyday, but as most of my friends will tell you I rarely see 8 a.m. I am not a morning person, have never been a morning person, will NEVER be a morning person. Today, I am a morning person.

The night started out great. I went to bed early (for me). I think I turned the light out around 12:30 and was well on my way to going to sleep when I was awakened by something. I don’t know what it was, and will probably never know, but now it’s 2:00 and I am awake. After a couple of minutes of tossing and turning I go back to sleep and this is when it starts. I mentioned about a week ago that I have started taking full doses of my depression meds again. One of the short lived side effects of my meds is that I have psychotic dreams. Kind of like taking acid before you go to bed. Last night the dreams were insane. I dreamed that I was an animal (what kind, I don’t know) and was having these fights with other animals. And in the dream if I went to sleep for more than a couple of minutes then the other animals would get me. So in my sleep, I kept waking up, which I did for real. I would toss and turn and go back to sleep and it would start all over again. This does not make for a restful night.

Finally, at 4:00 I get up, drink some Diet Coke (without caffeine, my favorite) and go back to bed. This stopped these dreams but began a whole other series of dreams that involved being awake and tossing and turning, except this time I got to be naked with a cute boy. Unfortunately, I was the only one naked and people he worked with kept coming in to give him information.

At 6:30 I rolled over and looked at the clock. For a moment there was pure panic because I thought it 6:30 p.m. and I have miles of packing to do for my move to New York. Then I realized it was a.m. and said “Fuck It” and got out of bed. Thus it’s 9:00 a.m. and I’ve already had coffee (which meant going to Starbucks cause my coffee makers already been packed), posted a blog, read all the blogs I read, called my friend T.M. to point out that I can indeed be out of bed before noon and answered several emails.

Oh God, it’s going to be a productive day…

Do you know the only thing worse than being hung o…

Do you know the only thing worse than being hung over? Feeling hung over without the fun of getting drunk. I didn’t get to bed until after 6 a.m. this morning. I would love to say it involved lots of alcohol and well hung men but the truth is it didn’t.

I stayed up talking to my friend J.T. the most innocent, naive girl in the world. For her the world is always sunshine and lollipops. Sometimes so much so it annoys you but not last night.

J.T. is a stage manager and is currently working on a production here in San Diego. The show has been going terribly for a number of reasons. Of course this has nothing to do with the leading lady, who is on stage for 98% of the show not knowing her lines, her blocking, sometimes that she’s even on stage. It’s also not because the director is an absolute bitch that everyone involved on the show hates. Nope, the play being terrible has nothing to do with these two things.

So last night I invited J.T. over to have a gin and tonic, (her favorite) and eat ice cream, and watch High School Musical. J.T. is the only person I know who would actually be willing to commit an evening to watching this movie. First off, it’s a musical and most of my friends think that musicals are the death of theatre. And second, it’s a Disney Musical so NO ONE is going to watch that.

So we gathered in front of the t.v. and started. We laughed, we cried and had a blast. The movie is not very long but we kept rewinding the DVD to make sure that what we thought we saw, actually happened. The movie is filled in inaccuracies and moments of complete and total disbelief. And yet, we watched and watched and watched. Unable to turn our eyes, kind of like driving by a car accident. The only way the movie could have been better is if we had watched the sing-a-long version instead of the normal version.

After the movie, I convinced J.T. that having another cocktail would be great idea and she could just crash on the sofa. And then we started talking, and talking, and talking. We talked about her family. We talked about the physical pain that is caused to me when I witness any kind of unfaithfulness, even in a movie. We talked about how we all know our friends T.O. and A.N. are sleeping together and yet no one is supposed to know. Especially, since T.O. has a girlfriend in Pennsylvania. We talked about school. We talked and talked. And 5:30 I finally told her that I had to go to bed.

And to bed I went. The big mistake I made was not turning off the ringer to my phone before I went to sleep. Because I had no more than dozed off when the phone calls started. S.H., A.C., J.M. (who annoyed me by not leaving a message). So I finally dragged my ass out of bed to listen to my messages, return my calls and try to start my day. I did this three times before I actually got out of bed for good.

So now it’s 11 p.m. and I feel exhausted, hung over, and beaten up. And yet I wouldn’t trade last night for the world. I only have a few more nights left in San Diego and I am trying to enjoy them with friends as much as I can. To make the most of them. Live life to the fullest. I don’t always succeed but I am doing my best. This time next week I’ll be in Portland, Maine and my time in San Diego will be nothing but memories. Okay I am getting sappy and stupid. I am going to bed.

See you tomorrow.

Next Thursday the movers are coming to move my stu…

Next Thursday the movers are coming to move my stuff to my friend T.M.’s garage. It’ll be in storage for two months while my new roommate C.Z. and I find a new apartment. It’s not the best arrangement but it’s free and it buys us some time to find the right place.

On Wednesday night after several days of procrastinating I started packing. My current roommate S.S. moved last Friday so as I pack boxes I am stacking them in her room which is now empty. So there I was packing away and in the middle of a trip to her room when I saw the light come on in the apartment across from us and the blinds were wide open. The neighbor’s building is really rather close to ours with probably not more than 30 feet from window to window. When the light came on I realized the person in the room was naked and that it was the bathroom. Not wanting to seem like a weirdo, I quickly turned out the light and shut the door.

Of course at this point I should mention that I hadn’t left the room. I then snuck over to the window and watched as my neighbor jacked-off in his bathroom mirror with no regard for the fact that he was putting on a show. Because of the reflection in the mirror I had a clean shot (no pun intended, hehehe) at his erection. This went on for almost 10 minutes until he shot all over the counter, cleaned himself up, turned off the light and went to bed. I know this because my bedroom window looks into his bedroom window.

WOW! Not bad for the first night of packing. Needless to say it has made me anxious to spend more time packing in S.S.’s room. It also makes me think that I perhaps took the wrong room when we moved in. Have I been missing my own private little shows since moving here? How long has this been going on? Has S.S. been holding out on me.

Enough typing I have to go do some packing…in S.S.’s room of course.

So I have realized in the past couple of days that…

So I have realized in the past couple of days that it’s Gay Pride in New York City this week/weekend. I have been so much removed from it the last two years I had almost completely forgotten. For the moment I am still living in San Diego and Pride here is the last week of July and although a fun filled event, it doesn’t compare to Pride in NYC.

I can’t help but think back on the first Pride parades I watched. I had just moved to New York, and although knew a few people from work, for the most part I had no community of my own. I was waiting tables at the time and would always ask for the day off and would wander down 5th Avenue until I found my spot (somewhere around 12 Street). I would stand and watch the parade with goosebumps and think that someday I would be a part of the greater community and not some lone person standing on the steps of an apartment building with no one to share the day with.

I eventually found my community, which included having people to watch the parade with. In fact I marched in the 2003 parade with my boyfriend D.L.C. We marched with the 12 Step/Sober group that was at the front of the parade. I am not an alcoholic but my boyfriend at the time was and we wanted to march with a group that we felt connected to. It was an exhilarating experience walking by those thousands of people who were cheering us on. It’s the first and only time I felt completely a part of the gay community.

Much has changed since that summer. I moved to San Diego to pursue my graduate degree. D.L.C. dumped me (I’ll post on that sometime I am sure) my friends continued their lives in NYC without me, and time moved on. It’s been three years since that summer and I can’t wait to get back to NYC and find that connection again. In the past couple of months I have been reaching out to some of my old friends. S.H. has been a huge wealth of support and guidance. Which is funny because when I moved from NYC he had just found out he was HIV+ and barely paying the rent. He’s now healthier than ever, and has started his own company that appears as though it’s going to do insanely well.

So I sit here melancholy about what has been. I want to go back to the NYC I was living in when I left. I know that I’ll find my way back there. But I want it now. I don’t want to go back to the city and be an unknown. I don’t want to go back and have less money than I had before, less friends, less connections. I think that’s why I have been putting off packing my things for the past week. I know that things are not going to be the way that I want them to be. I am going to have to begin again. Not from scratch because this time I have people that I have maintained connections with while I have been gone, but different all the same.

In the meantime, I try to remind myself why I left NYC in the first place. I try to remind myself that although not in NYC, my graduate school experiences were the best they could possibly be and the wealth of knowledge that I gained was worth every penny that I borrowed to get them. I just have to stay the course and know that within a few days/weeks/months/years I’ll find myself being one of the gang again and life will be better than ever.

Normally I finish my day by posting to my blog. I…

Normally I finish my day by posting to my blog. It’s become my new routine in the past couple of weeks. However that was not the case last night. And why you ask?

As I have mentioned several times, I finished grad school on March 25th. What I haven’t mentioned is that I haven’t really worked since then. If you do the math that’s three months worth of unemployment except you’re not qualified to receive unemployment when you finish school. Now I could give you all of the reasons that I have told myself, my friends and my family as to why I haven’t worked but I am beginning to realize that it’s mostly a bunch of bull. Truth is I was too proud to get a “temporary” job in San Diego because I knew that I was moving soon to New York.

It’s not like I have wasted all of this time. I have done three shows that all pay a small amount. I presented my work at showcases in New York and L.A. In truth that’s about all I have done. I have watched a lot of t.v., cruised for cute men at the “Watering Hole” and eaten a bunch of crap that’s not good for me.

Now all of this would have been fine and dandy if I had money, came from money, or had a rich boyfriend to support me. But the truth is I have been broke for most of the past three months. I have been scraping by little by little with the shows I’ve done, by selling the last of the stocks that I own, and begging for money from my friend M.L. who makes more money than anyone I know. Actually he’s more than a friend but that’s a post for another day that’ll take about 8 hours to tell.

The long and the short of it though, is that I haven’t been paying my bills. I have been paying what had to be paid, and just enough to keep them from turning off the utilities. Well, I missed the notice about the internet and it was disconnected yesterday. At 7:30 last night when I called repair I was routed to collections and not repair where I was told that if I wanted service I had to pay my bill.

This is where things get tricky. I sold my car two weeks ago. It was a 2005 Honda Accord that I owned outright. The sell of the car was pure profit. What I didn’t know when I sold it was that my bank would put an 11 day hold on the check. So for two weeks I have been scrounging by with money in the bank that I can’t access. The hold should be lifted any day now and I’ll be able to bring everything current. But until then I am counting every penny and cutting as many corners as I can to make it.

So now I am stealing. Someone in my neighborhood has a wireless internet connection that’s not password protected. So I am borrowing some of their bandwidth to keep up to date with my favorite blogs and post my own. So I just have to hang on till that check clears and I get to NYC and start making real money. Oh wait, did I tell you that I was a lighting designer. There will be no real money. I just hope to have a good time while I make it.

Most of my friends know without a doubt about my o…

Most of my friends know without a doubt about my opinion of Wal-Mart. The last time I shopped there was November 2003 and it would take no small miracle to get me to shop there again. The Wal-Mart Corporation is evil. There is no other way to describe the company policies and their business practices. They look out for the corporate dollar and no one else. God forbid someone get in their way. If anything signals the coming of the apocalypse it’s the arrival of the devil known as Wal-Mart.

For more Wal-Mart information please check out: WakeUpWalmart.com

I had coffee today with my ex-boyfriend C.T. We d…

I had coffee today with my ex-boyfriend C.T. We dated over a year ago and it was a short lived affair. From start to finish it lasted about three months and we broke up about 400 times during that time. I figured out very early that C.T. was not my “soul mate” but I had to prove it to myself over and over and over again. Truth is, C.T. doesn’t really need a boyfriend at all. What he really likes is the idea of a boyfriend, but isn’t quite prepared for the work that is entailed with keeping a relationship functioning in a happy healthy way. It also doesn’t help that his best friend, A.L. is a 60 year old gay man who dotes on him like only a mother should. It’s borders on inappropriate. A.L. has never been in a relationship, and didn’t come out of the closet until about two and a half years ago. Together they are both messes.

Long story short, I don’t like A.L. It’s not just one reason, it’s many. He wears too much cologne. He insists on kissing you on the lips when he sees you. He’s rude to the wait staff. He has an opinion about all of C.T.’s friends and boyfriends and doesn’t approve of most of us. He so loud everyone in the restaurant knows your business. And the real winner…to see C.T. you must see A.L. For going on more than a year I have not see C.T. alone. If we make plans for dinner guess who’s there. Plans for coffee. My graduation and dinner that followed. My 40th birthday party. A.L is always there whether A.L’s been invited or not.

Turns out it’s not just me who see this as a problem. C.T’s last boyfriend got a wake up call when they moved to Denver and A.L. announced that he was quitting his job and moving there too. This still hasn’t happened but it just supports my opinion of how inappropriate this relationship is. Of course C.T. wasn’t able to hang on to this boyfriend because he just couldn’t drink and stick to that whole monogamous thing.

Perhaps I should suggest that C.T. and A.L. get together as a couple. A.L. could dote on C.T.,while he treats him like shit. Sounds like the perfect couple and would then at least explain why I get A.L. when I see C.T. and would take C.T. off the market so he would stop convincing boys they need to date him so he could treat them like crap, cheat on them, and destroy their worlds.

But I am not bitter.