It’s been a weird sort of day. I was dealing with some major depression last night. Before I start explaining, I know that it was silly. But when something bothers me, it bothers me. Luckily I’ve been around depression long enough to know that it doesn’t last and lately it doesn’t take long to get through it.
The night started out fine but by 12:30 or so it was not so great. We had an 80’s dance party last night at the house. Nothing can make you feel older than listening to 12 year olds talk about how retro the 80’s are. It was also fun listening to everyone give their opinion of what the 80’s were about. What’s scary is that most of these people weren’t born till the late 80’s. The night got more outrageous and by 1:00 a.m. even the 12 year olds were on their way to being drunk. And as I looked around, it suddenly occurred to me that I’m insane to spend my summer with 12 year olds. I suddenly wanted to be around people my own age.
I think I mentioned last night that I have a little crush. Once again, I know that it was silly before you even say so, but I was a little jealous watching him having the time of his life at the party. I was wishing that I could be one of the people that he was hanging out with. And it’s not like we weren’t talking, it’s just that we weren’t talking the way that I wanted to be talking. And still this was all okay. Until I went down the hall and found the other people my age having fun. And that’s when I knew that I had to go to bed.
It’s not that their fun was bothering me. It was the type of fun they were having. And I realized that I needed to leave the situation because I felt like it was inappropriate. Everyone in blog land may disagree, but I don’t think it’s really appropriate for someone who’s going on 40 to be playing a kissing game with the 12 year olds. I also don’t think it’s right to be groping and feeling up kids who are too drunk and too naive to know what they are doing.
And I went to bed depressed. Depressed because I was old. Depressed that I couldn’t have the boy that I wanted. Depressed that I had the good sense to go to bed instead of watching or even worse participating in the “fun.” I locked the door and turned the light off around 1:30. And I lay in the bed, listening to the noise from down the hall. And I realized that I no longer wanted to be in Oklahoma. And I no longer wanted to be spending all my time with 12 year olds. And I no longer wanted to be fat. And I really no longer wanted to be old. And everything looked bleak and grim. And as I lay there I became more and more depressed. And I actually cried last night for the first time in ages. And I kept telling myself that I was being stupid, but when you feel depressed you feel depressed.
I finally fell asleep sometime later. I woke up around 4:30 or so and heard Kelly in the hall telling people to go to bed. And I lay there trying to go back to sleep. I’m not sure what time I finally fell asleep again. I was having weird dreams when the alarm went off a few hours later. I woke up to an allergy attack so with crying as I went to sleep, and allergies my face was swollen and puffy. It was only 11:00 a.m. so when I got up no one was around. I showered and left as quickly as I could.
I had errands to run, including getting my hair cut. And as the day progressed I realized more and more that I didn’t want to be here. And so I started to really evaluate what would happen if I just left Tuesday as I was scheduled to. The only real reason I could come up with to stay was because of Kelly. “The Director” had told me he would pay me more to stay, but so far had failed to put it in writing. Before the party started last night I sent him an email stating the amount that I was expecting and asking him to confirm this. By the time I left this morning I had already received several emails from him, so I knew that he was at work, but no response to my money email. And so I told myself that if he hadn’t responded by the time I got home I would cut my losses and leave.
And wouldn’t you know, the one person I didn’t want to be around when I made my decision was knocking on my door as I came around the corner. Kelly. And so she came to talk and I’m pretty sure she could tell something was up but if so she didn’t say anything. So we chatted for a moment and then she said something about the rest of the time here. And I said, “Kelly, I don’t think I’m going to stay. I want to go home and “The Director” hasn’t responded to an email confirmation about the extra money so I’m leaving tomorrow as planned.” And she got the puppy dog face that I was afraid of, and told me that she didn’t want me to leave. And then she told me that she would call “The Director” right now to get the money confirmed. And she did. He freaked out when she called. He told her that he didn’t know he needed to email me. The email stated clearly that I need confirmation as soon as possible. He told her to have me call him as soon as possible. To which she said, he’ll call you, but he needs it in writing before he changes his flight. And what do you know within 15 minutes I had the email confirmation.
And so I guess I’m staying. I changed my flight. And I extended the rental car. And I’m still depressed but not as much. I would still love to come home. And the biggest issue is the money. Because of my foot, I’m way very short on money. By the time I leave Oklahoma I’ll probable have about 16 cents in the bank. And that’s before I pay the bills due in July. If I didn’t have the best roommate ever, I’d probably be homeless living on the street in a card board box. So I need the money. Even if I don’t get it till the company processes it’s box office sales at the end of the month it’s money that I can use to help catch up. So I really can’t say no to it. But I want to.
And that is my day. Kelly and I went to the movies and finally saw Indiana Jones. We were supposed to get dinner after but she wasn’t hungry. So I spent the rest of the night alone. Which was good and bad. When I’m depressed it’s actually better for me to force myself to be around other people. It helps work though the shit and it gets me out of my head which is a very scary place to be.
And so tomorrow I don’t fly home. I go on tour. Yes that’s right. We are taking our show on the road. We leave at 7:30 a.m. (I didn’t know people woke up that early) and drive three hours to some theatre in the middle of nowhere. And we do our show. And on Wednesday morning we get up and leave our MOTEL (it’s probably a Motel 6, because we all know how cheap “The Director” is. And we drive three more hours to some other podunk little town where we perform in the local high school that was built in 1922 and hasn’t been updated since. And on Wednesday night we drive three hours back just in time to get up and load everything back into the theatre here. What could be more fun.
The point of all this is that I’m not taking my computer tomorrow, so I won’t post again till Wednesday night. So don’t think I’ve ended it all in Oklahoma.