Oh, What a day…

I’ve been kind of bummed all day.  For no reason really.  It’s just how I feel.  I think it might have something to do with being up so late last night.  I’m no longer used to the really late nights after being in Maine for a month.  I’m used to being in bed by 11:00 or midnight at the latest and getting up by 9:00.  Last night I got into bed at 3:00 a.m. and probably read for 30 minutes before I turned off the light.  And then I woke up at 10:30 a.m.  I tried to go back to sleep, but it was no good.  I finally got out of bed at 11:00 a.m.

And then I made the mistake of stepping on the scale.  I discovered that I had gained a pound since yesterday for no apparent reason.  Nothing’s more depressing than realizing that you are gaining weight when you are trying to lose it.  I’m sure it’s some fluke, but it’s made me think about being fat all day.  I was sitting on a machine today at the gym and like all gyms this one is surrounded by mirrors.  As I sat there I found myself staring at my reflection.  I did not like what I saw.  The face is okay.  But everything south of that needs to go.  My gut is huge.  My legs are huge.  My chest is huge.  And my butt’s the biggest of all.  For all my trying to remind myself that I am almost 30 pounds lighter and on the path to being skinny, all I could see was the fat Maddog.  At one point I almost left the gym.  It felt useless to be there.  No worries, though.  I stayed.  I didn’t lift weights as long as I should have, but I got through most of the exercises and then did five miles on the treadmill.  Hopefully tomorrow I won’t feel like this.

I’ve been on a cleaning kick since I’ve gotten home.  Before I start my job, I’d like everything to be in it’s proper place.  Which means organizing the DVD’s and CD’s.  Straightening up the bookcases and getting rid of the books that I’ve already read and will never read again.  Going through boxes, and drawers and organizing things, throwing things away, or finding a home for them.  So far I’ve done half my office space, the dining room and one bookcase.  This also included dusting and cleaning everything thoroughly.  I also now have a pile of about 30 books sitting beside my desk that I’m going to take to my favorite used bookstore down in the East Village.  They’ll pay me for some of them, but I’m not too worried about the pennies I’ll get.  I’m more interested in donating them to a place that I like.

In the past two days I’ve applied for two theatre jobs.  They are one off free lance gigs, but they’d both be great experience and would further my contact base in NYC.  I’ve always said you get your next job from your last job and that’s always proven to be true.  So keep you fingers crossed that these two opportunities come through.

And 85 more to go…

A quick post before bed.

It’s Monday so I had my official weigh in of the week.  I’m now down 28 pounds total since I started the South Beach Diet.  For the most part it hasn’t been too bad.  There have been a couple of times I’ve been tempted to cheat, but all I have to do is remind myself how tired I am of being fat and the desire to eat junk goes away.  Even with 28 pounds though, the final goal seems years away.  It still more than 85 pounds to go.  It’s when I think about the total number that I’m most tempted to say “Fuck it”.  It’s just too much.  I’ll never get there.  Why am I even bothering to try.

Of course I know none of that is true.  Of course it’s impossible, if I continue to think like that.  The real goal is to try to take one day at a time.  I haven’t given up ice cream forever.  Just for today.  I lost another 1.3 pounds yesterday.  So that’s something.  If I keep focused on the little wins then I soon lose sight of how big the big picture is.

It’s also been nice going back to the gym.  I hate that I can’t lift the weight what I could lift 4 years ago.  But lots of people talk about muscle memory and that it will take far less time to get back to where I was then it did the first time.  I don’t know if this is true, but I’m counting on it.  I hate bench pressing 5 pound dumb bells.  Okay, maybe I’m exaggerating, but it’s how I feel when I’m there.  But as I said a couple of sentences ago.  It’s not forever.  If I keep going to the gym, then very soon I’ll be able to run 5 miles without walking any of it, and I’ll be able bench press a car.  A small car perhaps, but still a car.

Enough whining.  I have to get to bed.  I have a big day in front of me tomorrow.  Have a great week.