“Too Old to Be Gay”

My friend RJ called today. We’ve been playing phone tag for several months. Actually he plays calls me and I don’t call him back. I was actually told not to. Many years ago RJ and I had a very brief fling. It never went anywhere and he finally put an end to it. And why did it end. Because he was afraid his wife was going to find out. I’m still amazed sometimes at the stupid things I did in my youth. It also didn’t help that I knew his wife and he was one of my professors. Whoops the story thickens. I’ve talked to RJ many times and he even helped tremendously in getting me into grad school. I even went to visit he and his wife about 7 or 8 years ago with my friend Michelle.

Last summer I got a call from RJ and after about three seconds he told me that he’d finally come out to his wife. He sounded awful. He then went on to tell me how miserable he was and what it was doing to his family. More than anything I think I was the one gay person he knew well enough to talk to about this. It also helped that I already knew his secret and wasn’t going to be shocked. He and is wife have been married for 25 years, and I’ve known them for 25 years. So RJ and I had a long talk and I helped as much as I could and ended the call telling him to call me day or night if he needed to talk. We chatted a couple of times after that and then the last time I called he told me he would call me back. Instead I got an email telling me not to call anymore because it made him nervous when I called and his wife was around.

So I didn’t call again. He’s called me a couple of times in the past year. Always when I was busy so I missed the calls. I emailed him a week or so ago to say hello and see how he was doing and he called today. And we chatted for about 30 minutes. Mostly we talked about our professional lives. We didn’t discuss the elephant in the room. But that’s okay. He’s a great guy and I love talking to him. It actually pains me to see him struggling the way he is. In one of our early conversations he told me he felt like he’d wasted his gay life. He felt that he was too old to come out of the closet and be gay. I assured him that he was not the only one in the predicament and that he was not the first person his age to come out of the closet. I don’t think it helped.

So we chatted today. And discussed our lives. And ignored the elephant. And it was nice. I really wish I knew what to tell him. But I don’t. I don’t think anyone has the answer for him.

Where in the world is Maddog?

Dinner With Friends…

We are still having issues with the Internet.  And I didn’t have the energy or the strength last night to fight with it to post an entry.  I do know that the new modem is here and it’s out of the box, but my roommate was in bed when I got home so I don’t know if it’s working or what needs to be done to make it work.  I know that I can’t wait till we can tell Time Warner to go fuck themselves.

I still have a bunch of things to blog about, but I thought I would go with what’s fresh.

I had dinner with my friend Ryan and his girlfriend tonight.  Ryan is a friend from grad school.  We hit it off because I teased him constantly about coming to happy hour and drinking and he almost never said yes.  And then the four or five times he did come we would talk to the wee hours of the morning.  We chatted mostly about the state of the theatre and we both agreed that we really didn’t have any urge to be a part of the mainstream.  He more so than me.   These conversations lent themselves to talking about the kind of projects that we would like to work on, who we would like to work with etc.

I graduated a year ahead of him but we emailed occasionally and stayed in touch.  When he graduated last year he moved to NYC.  Since then we have a hung out a few times.  At first it was mostly drinks here and there and coffee.  He’s an actor/temp and I’m a designer/waiter so our schedules are hard to coincide but we manage every couple of months.  And in the meantime we leave voice mails keeping the other abreast of what’s going on.  For example I got a text last week letting me know that the Law and Order episode he filmed last fall was finally being broadcast so I knew to DVR it.  (That’s why I DVR’d every episode of L&O last Wednesday because I wasn’t sure which one it was.)

And so tonight I had dinner with Ryan and his girlfriend.  I might also mention at this point that Ryan wants me to get him hired at the restaurant that I work at because he makes such lousy money temping.

So here’s the problem:

They tip like Canadians.

Every single time we have gone out I have had to leave the tip for all of us.  That’s if they put enough money in for the bill at all.  That’s the other thing that rubs me the wrong way.  The divide the bill down to the penny and then calculate how much they owe.  Tonight our bill for three came to ninety-one dollars and some change.  I did the math in my head rounding up and figured out that I owed 47.00 plus tax and tip.  I had two margaritas and that’s why my bill was so expensive.  They then figured out between them that their total was 40.00 plus tax and tip.  I’d be okay with this if it was true.  But it wasn’t.  My entrée was 18.00 so I counted it as 20.00.  My two margaritas were 16.00 so I counted it as 20.00.  My Diet Coke was 1.50 so I counted it as 2.00.  And my third of the nachos was three dollars so I counted it as 5.00.  That total coming to 47.00.  Now in case you weren’t paying attention on all four occasions I counted my total as at least fifty cents more than I owed and some times four dollars more than I owed.  So I was a little stunned when they decided what their total was going to be.   I was even more stunned when they handed me 45.00  to cover their share of the bill.  That barely covers the tax let alone the tip.  And this guy wants to be a waiter.  I don’t know where.

I didn’t say anything.  I pocketed the money they gave me, whipped out my debit card and paid the tab.  I left more than 20% because although the service wasn’t personal they were very attentive.

The first time Ryan and I went out to eat we split the 40.00 check in half.  He gave me 20.00 and got up to go to the bathroom.  I of course paid the check and included the tip.  The last time we went out to eat he and his girlfriend decided that a 10% tip was okay since it was just Indian food and they didn’t like the service or the food.

So I’m left trying to decide how to deal with this.  I like Ryan, and I like hanging out with him, but I don’t like having to pick up the slack and I like even less the idea that he’s not tipping across the board.  Any one who’s read my blog for more than ten minutes knows how I feel about people who don’t tip.  On the train ride home tonight I was completely ready to just tell him to go fuck himself.  But that’s probably not the answer.  I’m probably going to have to have dinner with him again and point out that he’s not paying his share and explain to him that if he’s not willing to do so, then I can’t hang out with him anymore.

But that seems to adult like.  And you know that I don’t like being an adult.  No really.  I don’t

Is Your Dongle Insured?

And on Day Five the cold/flu was finally knocked out.

I got to bed around 2:00 a.m. last night.  I’m reading a book that I can’t put down and at 2:00 finally forced myself to turn off the light.  And I awoke at 9:15, just as I was giving my phone number to a very cute red head, whose name I don’t remember.  And I felt okay.  So I continued to lie there just to see.  And except for a slight headache, everything else seemed to be gone.  And I continued to lie there.  Around 9:30 I said what the fuck and got out of bed.  First stop, cold medicine and ibuprofen.

Then I made coffee.  (I’ve made coffee for the past two mornings then drink about 1.5 cups and dump the rest of it.)  And then I got to work.  I got more done in the next three hours than I have in the past two weeks.  I was on the phone for most of it.  I called Iowa to get the details of the show that I’m doing there.  Yep, you get to hear me complain about the land of giants once again.  I fly there on April 9th and fly home on April 26th.  My designs are due on April 7th and the show opens on April 24th.  I’m there a little over two weeks and am getting pay very well so it won’t be so bad.  I also won’t be living in a deserted house, in the middle of winter and teaching students that are full of themselves.  I promise I’ll only complain a little bit while I’m there.

I also made phone calls to find out how much it’s going to cost me to replace some software that I lost when my computer died last fall.  There are two programs that lighting designers use for their projects.  Lightwright which is an Excel based program that tracks paperwork.  And VectorWorks which is a drafting program used to create the drawings.  I owned legit copies of both but am missing the serial numbers for both to reinstall them.  And unfortunately because this is what I do, I need legit copies of both.  So I made the phone calls today to find out how much it would cost to replace them.  I was pleasantly surprised about both.

LW retails for almost 500 dollars but the vendor I was talking to muttered under his breath as we finished the call, “Call company X.  They have a better price.”  I wasn’t sure I heard right, but I did as he suggested.  And he was right.  Company X’s price was 326.  That’s a big difference and a LOT less than I thought I would spend.

VW retails for two thousand dollars and there is only one dealer so I have to pay what I have to pay.  That price is actually less than I thought it would be.  What I didn’t know is that if I have a VW dongle then I get an 1,100 dollar savings.  That’s right if I have a dongle I can get the program for 850.  And what’s a dongle you ask?  Many programs use these now, and VW’s used them on their educational versions.  It looks like a flash drive and plugs into your USB drive and the program will not run unless this piece of hardware is attached to your computer.  It can be a pain in the ass if you take your computer somewhere and forget your dongle, because you are unable to open the program.  It also sucks if you lose it, because they won’t replace it, you have to repurchase the software.  And because the software is so expensive I actually insured my dongle as part of my renter’s insurance.

I bet no one else out there can say they insured their dongle.

So because I had previously purchased the software and owned a dongle I can get a new updated version for only 850.  I was jumping up and down when I heard that.  I have about a month to get the money together and purchase them so that I can do my next design.

I also called my accountant to make an appointment to get my taxes done.  I chatted with a friend from college on line that I haven’t spoken to in about 5 years.  I returned some emails.  Chatted with the stage manager from Oklahoma.  And by the time I was finished with all of these chores, the coffee was gone as was the headache.  And I’ve felt like a new man all day.

Let’s just hope it’s gone till this time next year.

Maddog’s Ramblings…

It’s 12:20 and the muses have gone to bed.  I have no idea what to write about tonight.  So here are more Maddog ramblings.

The Democratic debate was interesting tonight.  Hillary and Barack actually seemed to be having fun and were nice to each other.  The only real barbs thrown out tonight were from Wolf Blitzer, and Hillary quickly reigned him in.  Now I just have to figure out which one I’m voting for since Edwards dropped out of the race.  Tonight I played a drinking game during the debate.  I took a swig of beer each time the candidates mentioned Edwards.  I’ll probably be drunk for days.

My friend Caleb came over tonight.  He sent me an email wanting to talk about life.  He arrived and finished watching the debate with us.  We chatted afterwards.  I think he’s having a midlife crisis.  He’s only 26.  Ugh.

I think I’m taking the bartending gig.  I spoke to the manager tonight and as soon as he checks it out with the GM it’s all mine.  I’m still not sure if it’s the right decision, but as my friend Lee pointed out to me it’s a very marketable skill.  If I can bartend in a high volume Manhattan bar, I can bartend anywhere.

My ex-boyfriend Curtis is coming to visit in two weeks.  He’s interviewing for a job in New Jersey and is going to be staying with me for two days.  It will be nice to see him, since I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving 2006.  My roommate thinks he’s a little dull, but he is VERY cute so I guess that makes up for it.

I’m going to Maine next Thursday to do another drag show.  I’m actually getting paid this time which is nice.  They are flying me up, feeding me, and giving me a stipend.  Not to mention I get to drink beer while I work AND get to spend time with the lesbians.  What more could a gay boy want.  Doris if you are reading this, I love you.  I’m secretly praying that it snows while I am there.  The last time NYC saw less snow than this year was 1933.  Damn global warming.

I work the next two days and I’m hoping that there are more customers than there were earlier in the week.  It has been a very slow week and I NEED to make some money.  After Saturday I am off for 10 days and it would be nice to not be in the hole when I come back.

I went to Costco today.  It’s the cheapest place in town to get prescriptions without insurance.  It takes me an hour 15 to get there.  And an hour 15 home.  That’s why I was upset when I got there to discover the pharmacist wouldn’t be back from lunch for 30 minutes.  It wasn’t my fault he got to lunch late.  Why should I be punished.  When I initially asked for my drugs I was told no.  When I asked to speak to the manager and pointed to the sign that said the pharmacy reopened at 2:30 not 3:00 they were suddenly able to get my medicine.  Damn I can be grumpy.

On Sunday I’m going to Ikea.  I have to buy two more chairs for my dining table.  That way I can seat six at my dinner party on Monday.  I’m a little afraid that when I get there they won’t have the ones I want.  What will I do then.  The people are already invited.  Where will I have them sit.

Yesterday (1/30) would have been my father’s 79th birthday.  He died five years ago.  I still miss him, but I know my mom misses him more.  I called and left her a message yesterday to let her know I was thinking about her.  It’s funny we talk almost everyday now and before he died, we only spoke every couple of weeks or so.

I’m not going to get  to go to Hawaii after all.  My friend Lee is coming back in just three weeks.  There’s no way I can afford to go before he comes back.  I guess now I’ll just go to San Diego in March.  It will be fun to see my friends there because it’s been a year since I was there.

That’s enough ramblings for one night.

Maddog’s Ramblings…

Twice today I’ve come up with topics to blog about tonight.  And now that I’m sitting at my computer I can’t for the life of me remember what they are.  Now what am I supposed to do?

I suppose I can ramble for a few minutes.

I’ve continued to read my book.  It’s okay.  She has mentioned the Interstate in every chapter I’ve read so far (If this statement is confusing read yesterday’s post).  Hmmm.  Can’t she leave well enough alone.  I also wish she would use a little less flowery descriptions and just get on with the story.  But that’s just my opinion.

I’m interested to see if any of the major news organizations are recanting their stories about Heath Ledger now that it has been confirmed that there were no illegal drugs in his apartment.  On several news sites as well as news channels I saw reports of cocaine being found as well as pills being strewn about the apartment.  Turns out all the pills were in the bottles they were bought in and there was no cocaine.  But I suppose recanting stories doesn’t get ratings or sell newspapers.

Along the same note.  I see that Fred Phelps is going to protest Heath Ledger’s funeral because of his role in Brokeback Mountain.  I don’t really believe in hell, but I have to believe that if there is a hell, there’s a special place in it for the likes of Fred Phelps.  The pain he causes is far greater than any harm that I’ve created by being gay.

I’ve put off seeing Cloverfield because of the reports of people getting motion sickness from watching it.  I’ve never been bothered by a movie before, but in the past year or so riding in car makes me sick.  I can no longer read on the subway.  I can’t read on airplanes either.  I may take the plunge and just do it next week.  It’s hard for me to pass up a movie where NYC is destroyed.  I love disaster movies.  And it’s always nice when you are familiar with the areas.  Independence Day.  War of the Worlds.  Day After Tomorrow.  Godzilla.  All GREAT movies in my book.  As long as there are no air plane crashes I love me a good disaster movie.

I’m having another dinner party  on Monday.  My friend Kelly who I worked with last summer is in town and I’m inviting her and her new boyfriend over on Monday night for dinner.  I’m also inviting my friend Ryan whom I know from school but will be joining us for fun and frolicking in Oklahoma this summer.  I’m going to once again make my world famous spaghetti pie.  Ask Ur-Spo.  I shared the secret recipe with him and he knows how wonderful it is.  All the makings for dinner are being delivered tomorrow afternoon between noon and 2:00 p.m. by Fresh Direct.  Fresh Direct is our on-line grocery store that makes living in NYC and shopping for groceries a breeze.  I couldn’t live without it.  I also don’t know if I mentioned that I’m going back to Oklahoma this summer.  I signed and mailed in my contract this week, so it’s for certain.  So sometime around June 1 I’ll start my daily updates of all the insanity of being out there.

I have to work all weekend, which I’m not looking forward to.  When it’s all said and done it’s almost 30 hours in three days.  I have the worst time going there.  I’d rather get a root canal than go there and spend the evening.  Of course my friend Michelle pointed out today that she’d be worried if I suddenly loved being there.  That would mean that I’m not taking steps to get out of the game.  That being said, it’s really not that bad.  I was ranked number 1 for the first two weeks of January and I’m number 3 this week.  Not so bad if you ask me.  So I’ll just suck it up and deal with it.

And I think I’ve rambled enough.  Have a great Friday everyone.

And does anyone else find it funny that the spell check program for Word Press doesn’t recognize blog, blogging, or blogger as a “real” words?

My weekend starts tomorrow…

It’s been a very interesting evening.

It started out at my restaurant.  The slow season is upon us.  Now that the holidays are over, no one is in the city.  It’s amazing how different things are from last week.  This means that we are much slower at work.  We were barely on a wait at all tonight and they cut the first round of waiters at 8:00.  This was good because it meant more money for the rest of us.

By 10:30 the restaurant was a ghost town.  Well for us anyway.  There were still a lot of people there but not nearly as many as we are used to.  By 11:30 it really was deserted.  I convince the manager to let the only other cocktail server go home.  He was wary but relented.  No sooner was he off the floor that we got a little rush.  By midnight I had six tables going, one of which was a six top.  I think this had something to do with the fact that no one else wanted tables and they all wanted to go home.  This was great for me, I was busy, and I was making money so I didn’t care.  It did mean that I didn’t get off till late.  The six top didn’t order their food until almost 12:30 and by the time they got it, ate, did shots of tequila, had me bring out the birthday cake, it was almost 1:45.  I didn’t mind so much though because they had a 300 dollar tab and the gratuity was included.

At around 11:00 or so a fellow server cornered me in the kitchen wanting to know where I lived.  I don’t know how she knew it but she knew that we lived near each other.  And why is this important.  Well it meant that we could share a cab home rather than riding the subway.  The subway can take almost an hour fifteen door to door and a cab is about 20 minutes at night.  It costs, however, almost 30 bucks to cab it home.  So only on a couple of occasions have I splurged to get home that way.  It’s not so bad though when it’s only 15 bucks.  So Mandy waited around for me and we took a cab home together.

I’d only been home a couple of minutes when I got a text message from my friend Lee.  Lee is my friend I mentioned a couple of posts ago who is going to Hawaii for three months.  He left today and as it turned out due to unseen circumstances had a 12 hour layover in San Diego.  He was texting me to tell me how awful the city was and that they were on their way back to the airport to try and sleep.  I immediately picked up the phone and called him.  There was no way I was going to let a friend of mine sleep on the airport floor when I knew a million people in the city they could stay with.  I hung up the phone and within just about 10 minutes had arranged a place for them to stay.  My friend Angie is house sitting so her bedroom was empty.  They could stay there.  So I called Lee back to tell him the good news.  It turned out not to be good news.  The friend he is traveling with is a bit neurotic and refused to change their plans.  He was only willing to go back to the airport and sleep.  I hope they are comfortable in the plastic chairs.  I had done as much as I could.

Of course in all of my excitement to find them a place to stay, I managed to wake up my roommate.  I hadn’t realized I was talking as loudly as I was, until he came out of his room in his robe.  He wasn’t angry, but I probably wouldn’t have felt as bad if he had been.  We chatted for a few minutes and he went back to bed and I lowered my volume.  As he said though, it was really strange because most nights he’s not even aware that I’ve come in.  And god knows I never hear him in the morning.  I sent him an email apologizing, and will probably apologize about a million times more tomorrow night.

After Chuck went back to bed, I called my friend Angie back to tell I didn’t need her apartment after all.  We talked for almost 90 minutes.  We hadn’t had a real conversation since last February and it was nice to catch up.  I told her that I thought it was amazing that I could call her up after almost a year and tell her that I needed a place for my friends to stay and that she would let them stay with her.  I think that speaks volumes of the kind of person she is.  We chatted about a million things tonight.  But probably the most significant was that she has in the past three months come out of the closet.  She has come to terms with the fact that she is gay and has since started seeing someone.  It didn’t surprise me, but I’m glad she is finally realizing that she is gay.  She seems to be adjusting to it well.  The whole conversation went there because we were talking about the Presidential Elections and who she supported.  And then I mentioned their stances on gay issues, which led to her telling me.  I’m glad that she trusted me enough to discuss it with me.

And now it’s 4:24 and I’m not in bed yet, which sucks because I wanted to be up early tomorrow.  I have a million things I want to do like go to the movies, get my hairs cut, go to the bank.  Now it will be 3 p.m. before I even leave the apartment.  Oh, well what can you do.

Have a great week guys.

A Cold Night at Work

I’m home a little later than I planned to be.  It’s 4:14 as I type this.  I should be in bed by now.  Of course, one of my New Year’s resolutions was to be better about blogging so here I am.  I actually got off work about 30 minutes earlier than usual.  This is entirely due to the luck of not getting any tables during the last 45 minutes or so before we closed.  This is a good thing if you want to get out early.  It’s a bad thing if you are trying to make money.  I didn’t mind so much tonight.  I was a little tired and it had been slow all night and I was ready to go.

There was a party after work tonight at a bar up the street from my restaurant.  My friend Lee who I’ve known since 1991 and also works with me at my restaurant was having a going away party..  Lee’s the reason I have the job in the first place.  The first time I was hired he pulled strings to get me in the door.  So since we are a corporate restaurant we have many, many locations.  And one of the perks of working there is that you can transfer to other locations.  So Lee and a couple of other employees decided that since we are entering the slow season why not go someplace else and work.  So three of them leave for Hawaii on Sunday to wait tables there for 3 months.  At the end of the three months they’ll come back to NYC with their jobs intact.  Not such a bad idea if you ask me.  So there was a going away party for  the three of them tonight.  I was only there about 90 minutes or so.  I would have stayed longer but I wasn’t drinking.  And drunk people are only fun, when you are one of them.  Besides as I pointed out to Lee, I don’t like most of the people I work with at work.  I really don’t like them outside of work.

And thus I’m home at 3:30 a.m. and not 2:00 a.m.

It was an okay evening at the restaurant.  As I mentioned we were a little slow.  We were on a wait, but the pace was dreadful.  The night dragged on and on.  I did wait on a really nice table of ladies from Tennessee and Louisiana.  They were quite funny, although the didn’t much care for the bartender making their drinks.

I also waited on a table of four gay guys.  This was much more interesting.  I didn’t realize they were gay when they sat down.  In fact, even after it became apparent, only one of them really seemed gay.  They were kind of reserved and had attitudes more like rednecks than anything.  (They were from North Carolina.)  At first they weren’t very friendly and didn’t have much to say.  And then I made a comment about something and they began asking questions about the city.  This led to a discussion about the subway.  They were very intrigued by it, and wanted to know where they could take it to, with out getting lost.  I suggested they get on the “A” train at 42nd Street going uptown to 125th Street and then come back.  It’s about a 15 minute ride and you get the whole experience.  So as I was finishing suggesting this, the cute one says to me, “What do you know about the night life here.”  To which I responded.  “What do you mean.”  To which he said, “Well like if we wanted to go to bar tonight what’s a good bar to go to.”  By this time I’ve figured out where the conversation is going, but I just go with it.   I said, “Well what kind of bar are you looking for?”  At this point there is dead silence.  And they all look at each other.  And there is more silence.  And finally the cute one whispers, “A gay bar.”  I almost laughed out loud at how cute they were being.  As it turned out only two of them were old enough to get into a bar.  However I suggested they go to The Ritz, which is just up the street.  They don’t card at the door and if they walked in all bundled up from the cold and headed straight to the back room as if they were there all the time, perhaps no one would say anything.  I think this made them nervous even thinking about it, but they said they’d give it a try.  I gave them the check and they tipped a little less than 20% and were on their way.  I hope they had fun.

Rethinking My Bad Day…

I was all prepared to bitch about my night.  I was going to tell you that it was 5% night at the restaurant and that I barely walked with 10% of my sales.  But I just got off the phone with my friend Todd and and our conversation has put things in perspective for me.  At least for the moment.

He lives in San Diego and has for many years.  Tonight he’s watching the news to follow what’s going on with the fire that’s just north of San Diego.  In 2003 a fire that started in nearly the same location  and moved southeast destroyed three buildings in his condo complex.  Although he’s in no immediate danger the fire seems to be following the same path which means that if it continues to do so, in the next day or so his house could be threatened.  So tonight he’s preparing for the possibility of having to evacuate.  A friend of his actually lives in an area that’s been evacuated.

All of this makes my bad night at work not seem so bad anymore.

As I was talking to him, I realized that I can’t really complain.  I have a money in the bank, a home that’s in no immediate danger, friends who care about me, a job, food in the fridge, and unless someone knows something I don’t, I’m healthy.  My bad night seems quite insignificant when I think about it.  Of course, I have to make myself stop and think about it to keep it all in perspective.

I did make Todd promise to keep me informed about what’s going on.  Because this is not the fire in Malibu it’s not getting nearly the national attention so it’s hard to follow.  But I also don’t want to lose any sleep worrying about him.  Of course, I’ll be checking out the San Diego new’s websites tomorrow to keep up on what’s happening.

On a different note, something did happen at work tonight that concerns me.  I’ve been taking medication to help stabilize my mood for about six years.  It’s worked for me since the first day I’ve taken it.  It wasn’t exactly a miracle but it’s made a world of difference.   I still get angry and upset, but I’m less unreasonable about it.  Until tonight.  I got to work and sat through my pre-shift meeting and I was in a perfectly good mood.  And then my shift started and something happened.  For absolutely no reason, I was pissed at the world.  I was angry and was not even pretending otherwise.  I growled at a couple of tables, in one case so badly that they moved.  I yelled at the girl making desserts and had to apologize later, and snapped at one of my favorite co-workers.  The entire time this was happening, I was conscience of the fact that it was happening and that there was no reason for it.  I was even aware of the fact that if I continued I could likely be fired.  And yet I was powerless to stop it or control it.  This lasted for about three and a half hours and then it slowly lifted.  The rest of the night I was still pissy, but normal pissy, not unreasonable pissy.

I was actually scared by the events of the night.  I can’t afford to be fired and don’t want to be fired.  Most days I actually don’t mind my job.  I also don’t want to become the person I used to be.  In the old days I was a regular Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde.   With no provocation I could turn on a dime and become just hideously ugly.  It explains why I was fired from most of the jobs I held during the late 80’s/early 90’s.   I hated that person but was unable to control myself.  I’m not sure if I should just hope that it was a freak occurrence or if I should call my doctor and talk to him about it.  The problem with not taking action is next time I might do something I really regret, like throw a tray filled with drinks at a manager.  I would get fired for this, I’m quite sure.  And I know this from personal experience, because the last time I threw a tray filled with drinks at a manager I was fired.  Go figure.

A Wonderfully Boring Day In Maine

It was another wonderfully boring day in Maine.  I slept late, I took a nap, I walked the dog, I walked myself, I dropped by the bookstore again, I made dinner, I went shopping, I called my mother,  I stopped by all the blogs I read, I watched a movie, and now I’m writing a post.  What can I say, it’s nice when there’s no drama in my life.

There really isn’t much to report.  I did stop by the bookstore again today.  It was not nearly as fun as yesterday.  I was there about 45 minutes, decided I was wasting my time and called it a day.  The only reason I went today is because Michelle gets home tomorrow and it will be much harder to think of a reason to go to that side of town, by myself.  Of course, I’ll get into less trouble that way so in some ways it’s a good thing.

I’m thinking of doing something tomorrow that will be uncharacteristically different for me.  It will involve putting myself out there, forcing me to meet other gay men in a non sexual format.  Five years ago this would have been no big deal but now that I’ve gained weight and feel so badly about myself it’s a big step.  I’ll let you guys know what it is, if I do it.

The boys were out tonight in force during my walk.  I had walked about 20 minutes and had just commented that there were no boys running tonight, then suddenly they appeared from nowhere.  I lost count of how many were running without their shirts.  Two of these boys though…whoof.  They were model material.   Their well defined pecs.  Their six pack of ripped abs.  The slightest dusting of hair across their chests.  Hmmm.  I may have to take a break from writing to go contemplate this.  It is a great motivator to be out there walking everyday, even though I’m still to fat to run.

As I said Michelle gets home tomorrow.  Her flight arrives around 3:30 or so tomorrow afternoon.  I’d know more specifically but she didn’t call me with the information today.  I’m hoping that she calls before she gets on the plane tomorrow so I have an idea of what time to be at the airport.  I am looking forward to her being back home.  As I said yesterday, it gets lonely here with no TV, with just the dog.  Her girlfriend gets back sometime at the end of next week, so it will also be nice to have Michelle to myself this weekend.

That’s it for me tonight.  Hope everyone’s having a great week.

Ten “FUCKS” and counting…


Sorry about not posting last night.  I was in the mood of all moods and knew that I’d just spend two pages ranting and it would do no one any good.  I’m in a little bit better mood tonight, but just barely.

So why was I in a bad mood?

Well it started when my roommate called to tell me that “Princess” as he’s come to call her had not sent a check for her portion of the utilities.  Princess is the sublettor if you are joining the program already in progress.  She had promised me a week ago that she would drop a check in the mail.  We are still waiting.  Unfortunately, that means I’m responsible for her portion of the utilities.  Which means I have to leave my roommate a check for almost 250 bucks when I leave this weekend.  This does not make me happy.  First of all I don’t have a spare 250 bucks.  Not many people I know do.  Second it pisses me off that she’s fucked me once again.  I don’t remember the last time I got fucked this many times and didn’t at least get breakfast out of it.  All told she’s cost me about 2,500 dollars since this little engagement began.  Not to mention that my roommate has made it very clear that I’m no longer allowed to sublet my apartment.  So in reality she’s fucked me for a lot more than 2,500 bucks.

My bad mood continued when my friend Michelle didn’t call me again yesterday.  Earlier in the week I got an email from a NYC director looking for someone to light his show next week.  It didn’t pay a lot, but it would have been a great credit and there’s a good chance that it will be reviewed in the Times which is a good thing if the work is good.  Unfortunately, I’ll still be house sitting for Michelle next week and I’ll still be taking care of Max.  So the only way this would work is if Michelle could get someone to take Max for a couple of days.  So I returned the email to the director and said yes I would love to do it, but it was contingent on Michelle dealing with the dog.  As soon as I got the initial email I called and left a message to tell Michelle what was going on and told her to call me as soon as she could.

Now for a little background information.  Michelle and her girlfriend Lisa are camping in the middle of nowhere Michigan.  They barely have a bathroom let a lone cell service.  So getting in touch with them is almost impossible unless it truly is an emergency.  However, I was asked, since I’m taking care of Max to leave a message each day so that they’d know every thing was okay.  Just a quick check in, they’d check their messages, and then they’d know all was well.  So I’ve been doing just that.  Leaving messages each day, saying call me as soon as you get this message.  This all started on Monday.  Michelle finally called me this morning.  Five days after the initial phone call.  Seems they haven’t been checking their messages and so they didn’t know to call me.

I was pissed as hell.  Why the fuck had I been wasting my cell phone time to call them to check in if they weren’t going to check their messages.  Why the fuck did they set up the fucked up system in the first place.  So of course she tells me it’s no big deal to get someone to watch Max while I’m in the city.  There are a couple of options that should work.  This message was exactly ten hours after I sent yet another email telling the director that I’d been unable to get in touch with my friends and therefore felt that the best thing to do would be to turn the show down now, before it was too late to find someone else.


Of course I emailed him back this morning but it seems to have been too late.  I’ve heard nothing from him and I don’t really blame him.  Who would want someone as wishy, washy as me doing their show.  So not only did she cost me money, a design credit on a show with potential, she made me look like a complete idiot.  I’m not one to stay mad and for the most part I’m over it, but it still pisses me off that this happened.

So when I got home last night I was pissed.  The dog didn’t come near me because she could sense something was up.  She hid in the living room all night.  And as I said, I would have posted something but it would have just been one long FUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK!!!!! and I didn’t see what good that would do.

Just as a reminder.  I’m in NYC this weekend.  It took about 7 hours to drive down today.  It’s supposed to be exactly five.  It rained for the entire trip, and for the last couple of hours or so traffic moved at a steady 15 miles per hour.  If I was in shape again I could have run faster than we were driving.

That being said.  The air conditioner’s on.  I don’t care that it’s 58 degrees outside.  It’s humid in here and I haven’t had my own air conditioner all summer.  And besides, I’ve paid for a month of utilities that I didn’t even get to use.  So the air’s on, the bed is made and in about 12 minutes I’m going to be curled up in my big queen sized bed.  Yippee!

Have a great weekend everyone.