I don’t know…

As most of you know, I spent the month of July in Kentucy last summer.  It was a very long month.  Away from Adam.

The last weekend I was there Adam and I had lunch with a good friend of mine.  When I met her she was teaching high school.  She hired me to light Romeo and Juliet.  And then design sets and lights for Little Shop of Horrors.  The rest is history.  She has been my friend, mom, mentor, champion.  She is absolutely one of the most amazing people I know.  I knew that she was in my corner when she went out of her way to help me get through the Sam depression era.

As with lots of us.  We don’t talk all the time.  In fact.  We hardly ever talk.  Once every six/eight months or so.  However, it’s a given fact that if I’m home we will see each other.  Whether it’s lunch/dinner/drinks/wine at her house etc.  And we’ll talk.  Far too long.  About our lives.  Her kids (I’ve watched them grow up.  They are almost 30 now).  My relationships.  My work.  My family.  Her family.  We relive old shows.  And I always remind her how much I love her for always being there for me.

So when I was home last summer it was VERY important that she meet Adam.  VERY important.  So we had lunch at a Mexican restaurant in town.  A chain, that happens to be one of Adam’s favorites.  So over chips and salsa, she quizzed us on our relationship and we talked about the stuff you talk about at these events.

And then.

Out of the blue.

She asked us:  Do you really think it’s possible to be bisexual.

I don’t even remember what I said.  I’m sure it was how I think sure it’s possible but most of us are drawn to one or the other.



She began to tear up and told us the following story.

Toward the end of her college days she developed a friendship with a girl named Vicki.  Over time their feelings intensified. and she knew that it was much more than friends.  At the same time she was dating Eddie.  Eddie didn’t like Vicki.  Vicki didn’t like Eddie.  As you can guess there was a lot of competition.  Eddie finally told  her she had to choose.   And she chose him.

And so Vicki graduated from college.  And moved away.

And my friend got married.  Went to grad school.  Had two daughters.  Started teaching high school.  Got divorced.  And lived her life much like any of us do, one day at a time.

Along the way she and Vicki spoke no more than four or five times.

Each time was difficult.  Each time they said their goodbyes and went on with their lives.

And then last summer my friend found Vicki on Facebook.  And after a lot of back and forth friended her.  And Vicki accepted the friendship.

And then my friend sent Vicki an email.   And then waited, like a teenager for her return email.

And they began to email back and forth.  Eventually daily.

I don’t know what they were about.  I don’t know how it progressed.

But somehow.  Along the way.  She realized that she had feelings for Vicki.

And that’s where she was when she asked us what we thought about bisexuality.  She didn’t think she was gay.  She said she’d always loved penises.  She’d never thought about pussies.  And that she was tormented because she had no idea what was going on.  She did know that she waited on pins and needles for those return emails.

We went home.  And over the course of the next few months.  They continued their emails.  And then phone calls.  And then eventually Vicki came to visit.  And in three seconds the time melted away, their fears melted away, and they both knew that they loved each other.

They of course had things to figure out.  Like my friend had never been a lesbian.  And Vicki was just coming out of a VERY long relationship.  And how do you tell your adult daughters that you are a lesbian.  And how do you do all of this when one of you lives in NY and the other in KY.

And figure them out they did.

Upon Vicki’s second visit, my friend had a coming out party and introduced Vicki as her girlfriend to all of her friends.

And they continued to talk.  And visit.

Adam and I had the opportunity to have dinner with them in December while we were home for Xmas.  It was clear to me that they loved each other very much.  They still had a long way to go, but they were getting there.

While I was home in April, I had drinks with my friend and she talked endlessly about her life with Vicki.  Vicki was putting her home on the market and was hoping to move to KY by the end of the year.  She talked about how difficult it was going to be to live with someone again after 20 years.  She talked about how awesome it was to have sex again after all those years.

And so after 35+ years they had managed to find each other, and start the relationship they should have started years ago.

And then.

I awoke to this email in my inbox today.


This is going to come as a shock, sweetie, but I wanted you to know that my Vicki died last week.  She had a massage aneurism that took her quickly.  I spent last Tuesday through Friday in New York.  Her body was shipped home to KY where they will have a wake and funeral this week.

My heart is broken. 

It took at least a full minute to register what I’d read.  And then I re-read it.  And then again.

I was in bed.  Holding my phone.  Not even breathing.  How could this be?  It’s not possible?  Not at all possible.

I of coursed called as soon as I could speak.  She is strong as ever.  Talking about how much love Vicki had known in the last year of her life.  And how much love and support her family and friends were giving her since the death.

It’s been almost 24 hours since I got the email.  I’m still in shock.

I still don’t know what to say.


2 thoughts on “I don’t know…

  1. Karen May 24, 2011 / 14:44

    How lucky your friend is to be brave enough to follow her heart, and how lucky to have found someone who loved her back, and how lucky she is to have such good memories of her time with Vicki. So many people never find that love, or get stuck in a life that they really don’t want.
    But…. I can understand your shock. I don’t even know these people and I’m in shock.

  2. Java May 24, 2011 / 21:06

    I read this post this morning, and have been thinking of your friend and Vicki off and on throughout the day. My heart goes out to her.

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