God Help Us!!!

May 21, 2011.

The world is going to end.  Actually, I should rephrase that.  The world is NOT going to end on Saturday.  The RAPTURE will occur on Saturday.  It seems that at 6:00 p.m. on Saturday evening all those true believers in Jesus Christ will be raptured.  Taken to a special meeting place where they can be with god.

So let’s talk here.

First:  REALLY?  Is this really getting this much attention?  REALLY?  Some crackpot with a computer announces that the world is going to end and he is making more money now than ever in his life?  REALLY.

Second:  The rapture is going to happen by time zone.  REALLY?  REALLY.  Since Australia is 14 hours ahead of us, I suppose someone will call and wake me if it really is happening.

Third:  REALLY?

Fourth:  There are companies that have been paid to care for your pets in the event of the Rapture.  REALLY?  Another idea I wish I’d thought of first.  Which from what I understand is a good thing.  There was a news report earlier in the week of a woman who was having her four cats put down so they could go to heaven with her.

Fifth:  REALLY?

Sixth:  And what makes them think that god really wants them in heaven?  REALLY?  What makes them think this?  I’m not a biblical scholar.  Although I did take Old Testament and New Testament classes in college.  That being said there is a LOT written about self righteousness in the bible.  A LOT.  A LOT.  I wish I knew how to make this bigger in WordPress for more emphasis.  A LOT.  In fact it’s mention about three million times more than homosexuality is mentioned.  But that seems to be lost on the masses.  So REALLY?  What makes them think they are going to heaven.  If I were a betting man, I’d put more money on Dan Savage who has spent the last couple of years of his life championing the  rights of gay and lesbian youths over say Pat Robertson, Rick Santorum (Thanks to Dan Savage it’s still fun to Google Rick Santorum.  Go ahead.  Do it.  I’ll wait), or any number of other “righteous” men.  So it’s going to be fun to party on Saturday night knowing that although Harold Camping got the day right, he failed to realize that he would not be one of the chosen few.

Seventh:  Only 200,000,000 people or approximately 3% of the world’s population will be raptured.  How does he know this?  Based on what?  More than 75% of Americans say they are christian?  That’s 225,000,000.  What about the rest of the world.  There are 2.1 billion christians in the world.  There are going to be a lot of pissed off christians when their neighbors who gave more at church are raptured and they are not.  So really.  Who gets to decide?  god?  Do we know what he is really looking for?  Jesus liked the prostitutes more than the pharisees.  So does the tranny hooker on 42nd street have a better shot than Tony Perkins of the Family Research Council, or Maggie Gallagher of the National Organization for Marriage?

Eighth:  REALLY?

Enough counting:

The graves of the dead will be thrown open by the force of the cataclysmic (I just spelled that correctly at 5:03 in the morning) earthquake.  The born again dead will rise to be with Christ.  The unsaved dead will be reawakened to spend the next six months in the chaos of the world.  REALLY?

And what does it mean to be born again?  No really?  What does it mean?  That you’ve been baptized?  The world if filled with Atheist who’ve been baptized.  (See Maddog).  Does it mean you’ve walked up to the front of the church and taken god as your savior?  (See Maddog).  What about all those catholics who don’t get baptized, and by baptized I mean dunked.  And what if you kind of believe in Jesus but you are not sure.  And what if…you get the picture.

I’m still concerned about all those graves being thrown open.  This might explain why the Center for Disease Control issued a statement yesterday explaining how they would help control a zombie outbreak.

And why did they put up billboards and drive RV’s around.  There aren’t enough places in heaven for the people that already believe.  Why would they want to risk some of those valuable slots on people that decide they believe because of a billboard.  And does it count if you are on the fence and you realize as the earthquake is happening that you believe after all.  Is it too late to be saved then.

And then if the world is thrown into chaos and destruction…what do we do for the next six months while we wait for October 21 the day the world ends?  And what happens to all us poor souls left on earth.  All 6.5 billion of us.  It seems unfair that god would only have room for 200,000,000 when the devil has room for 6.5 billion.  Of course I realized as I was typing this that it’s 6.8 billion people LIVING in the world right now.  But this whole rapture thing which only has room for 200,000,000 includes all the dead people who believe as well.  That’s a whole new ballgame.

So in summary I’d like to finish with this.  It’s estimated that since the beginning of time more than 100 billion people have existed on this place we call earth.  And of that 100 billion people only 200 million are getting raptured on Saturday.  That means there are over close to 9.8 billion souls that are going to be released into the universe.  Which means that it’s possible that the rapture will occur on Saturday and no one will notice.  It just means that the dead christians are holier than the living christians.

Just my two cents worth.


3 thoughts on “God Help Us!!!

  1. Bonnie May 20, 2011 / 08:16

    Here’s my take on it – the Bible says “But about that day or hour, no one knows, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” [Matthew 24:36] – and that trumps any “Bible math” that these people think they’ve figured out.

  2. Java May 20, 2011 / 08:37

    LOL! Dead Christians are holier than living Christians! I love that idea.
    #7: Yes, the tranny hooker on 42nd has a better chance of being raptured than do Tony Perkins or Maggy Gallagher. IMHO, anyway.
    I think tomorrow night is a great time for a bacchanalia. Let the liquor flow, the dancing commence, the bawdiness triumph. I’ll put that bottle of sparkling wine in the ‘fridge today.

  3. Urspo May 22, 2011 / 23:37

    Well it is back to the usual business of Life; the great Work continues.

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