These are the steps you should take if you want to RUIN your waiter’s night.
1. Arrive at the restaurant just as the kitchen is closing.
2. Seat yourself.
3. Tell the waiter that you know the kitchen is closing and that you’ll eat fast.
4. Insist on getting your drinks before you order your dinner.
5. Then place your order a good five minutes AFTER the kitchen has closed.
6. Complicate things by ordering appetizers before your entrees.
7. Pretend that you don’t know what I’m saying when I say that it’s all going to come out together.
8. Continue to pretend that you don’t know what I’m saying for the rest of your visit.
9. Be VERY unappreciative that I managed to get your nachos to you, BEFORE your burger.
Okay. I’m getting annoyed with my list.
The fucking Brazilian women came in at 12:10 and asked if there was time to order. I told them yes, but it had to be fast because the kitchen was closing. I handed them menus and said I’d be back in two minutes. When I go back they are NOT ready to order but ask if they can get drinks first. When I return with the drinks they are full of questions. It’s now almost 12:20 and the kitchen’s been closed for five minutes. And then they PISS me off by ordering appetizers and entrees. In case you don’t know. The kitchen guys aren’t going to wait around for you to finish your nachos before they make the rest of your order. I did however manage to get the nachos ASAP so that you had about five minutes before your entrees hit the table.
It’s now 12:35. We are giving last call at the bar. I ask them if they’d like another drink. They say yes. I get them.
Flash forward to 1:00 fucking a.m. in the morning.
The lady with the burger hasn’t touched the burger yet. She’s nibbling on the nachos. Both of them have full drinks in front of them and we’ve been closed for almost an hour. The lights are at full. The music is off. The TV’s are off. The only sound in the restaurant is the sound of the bartenders finishing up. The ENTIRE rest of the wait staff is finished and is in the office cashing out. I’m sitting at the cocktail table around the corner from them waiting.
At 1:15 I drop the check.
They don’t even look at the check.
At 1:30 I ask them to pay. They are still eating.
I go back and the lady hands me a 100 dollar bill to pay their 93 dollar tab.
You can read the writing on the wall as well as I could in the moment.
It’s actually a 93.07 tab. I take back the seven dollars. I go to the computer and close out the check. And come back out. The seven dollars are gone. I go run my report. I come back. There is NO tip.
The goddam motherfucking CUNTS have kept me at work for 90 minutes longer than I needed to be and then stiffed me on a 100 dollar check.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT TO DO IF YOU WANT TO RUIN YOUR WAITER’S EVENING.
Let’s hope NONE of the bad things that I’m wishing on them right now come true.
PS. The rest of the night wasn’t so awesome to begin with so this was just adding insult to injury.