Many of these you’ve heard before. But after tonight. They bear repeating.
1. IF you know you like extra lemon in your ice tea. Then ask for the extra lemon when you order the fucking glass of tea.
2. IF you know that you can’t use half and half in your fucking coffee and only use “real” milk (sorry we are out of soy) then ask for the fucking milk when you order the coffee. It will save me two fucking trips to the kitchen.
3. Just because you want a glass of water, does NOT mean that everyone else at the table wants a glass of water. No one should ever hear “we’ll have water for the table.” Don’t speak for the other seven people seated at your table. Because I’d be willing to bet they don’t all want water.
4. Just because I have an apron and a name tag (do I really still have a name tag at 46?) does NOT mean that I am your waiter. I have 20 guests in my own station to take care of. You can wait 45 seconds to get that fucking refill of Diet Pepsi. It’s probably your third already.
5. Do NOT sit at a dirty table and immediately start to bitch that it’s NOT clean. I know it’s not clean. It’s not clean because 45 seconds ago there was someone else sitting there. If you want a clean table then put your name on the 90 minute wait in the lobby and someone will surely seat you at a fucking clean table when your name is called.
6. If you are someone famous, say a like an ABC news correspondent, who happens to sit at my table and then gets a fucking discount because the ever stupid Connie’s sister works with you…you should tip on the pre-discounted amount. She saved you fifty fucking dollars. Throw some of that my way. PS. I think your prime time show is stupid.
7. Do NOT bring a party of 60 people to a restaurant…without a reservation. And do NOT bring 60 people to a restaurant when only three of them are eating. (Tonight a party of 60 showed up around 11:00. The managers scurried to get waiters that were finishing up to stay and take care of them. Most of them didn’t eat. The ones that did shared french fries and nachos. In the end I don’t think anyone made more than 20 extra dollars for staying. They were pissed.)
8. Do NOT get indignant because I thought you said Diet Pepsi. It’s just a fucking soft drink. It will take 32 seconds to get you a new one.
9. You only have to tell me once that you want separate checks. I heard you the first fucking time. I also heard you the second, third, and fourth fucking times. I’m not stupid. I speak English. You are speaking English. Chill out. I promise that you won’t have to pay one nickel more than you are supposed to.
10. Do you really want your 32 cents change from your bill. I’ll be happy to get it for you. But it’s going to take some time, since NO ONE on the staff carries coin change. So sit the fuck down and be patient.
11. There are 9 of you. Do NOT hand me your payments one at a time. I don’t have the time or the patience to make 9 trips back and forth to the computer. And DO NOT get pissy when I don’t run over to get the last two checks, because I’m waiting on other people. You should have paid your tab when everyone else paid theirs.
12. Do NOT ask for two “cokes” and four empty cups. (This happened tonight.) You can share all you want. But you are going to do it from the same cup. And no you don’t get free refills. I’ll be happy to bring you refills but I’ll charge you for all of them.
13. PS. Girls from number 12. There are six of you at the table. We are on an hour wait. It’s not cool to share one fucking club sandwich and two “cokes.”
14. I know you asked for a “coke.” I also only have two hands. And can only carry five drinks without a tray. (I hate trays). So someone had to wait a little longer for their drinks. Unfortunately it was you. I’m sure you’ll manage just fine for 30 more seconds.
In better news: thanks to the first big table that I had tonight that tipped me an extra 20 bucks. And to the high school students that left me an extra ten. And to the very obnoxious table that got upset that I forgot to bring you your beer. Thank you very much for that 25 dollar tip. I know you meant for it to be 10. But perhaps you shouldn’t have had that beer after all, because you “math” didn’t make sense and as I’ve discussed before, I have to close the check out as you sign it. Whoops.