I’m really hating my life right now.
Actually, it’s not right now. It’s been going on for about a year, it’s just gotten worse in the past several weeks.
99.9999% of it is my job. I’m absolutely FUCKING tired of waiting tables. I’m tired of feeling like my soul is being bled dry every time I have to ask someone whether they’d like to start their meal with nachos.
And this isn’t new.
But it is getting worse.
I spend my entire week counting the days/hours/minutes/seconds till the weekend. Adam is very sweet about it. When I got home tonight there was a note with the sandwich he made me that said, “One down.”
My response, “Only 364 more to go.”
And I wish that were the truth. But based on the present it’s more like 15,498 to go.
I feel like there is no end in sight. I don’t feel like I’m ever going to get a teaching job. I’m designing less and less every year. I don’t remember the last time I did a show that I was REALLY proud of. I go to work. I come home. I go to work. I come home. I go to work. I come home.
And all of this is made worse by the insecurity of my earnings.
When I went to work tonight I had no idea whether I was going to make 25 dollars or 500 dollars. Want to try playing the let’s make a budget game when you have no idea how much you are going to make. I still haven’t given Adam my half of February’s rent and I’m NEVER late on rent. And based on tonight it’s going to be June before he gets it.
I also don’t feel like there’s any job security. All it takes is one person emailing or calling in to get you fired. I’ve often joked that it would be fun to get rid of some of the people that I don’t like at work, by calling and complaining. It really is that easy. One strike and your out.
Makes it super easy to sleep at night.
And it really is soul sucking. I watched a five top count out change to pay their bill tonight. They left me eight dollars in change. And most of it was NOT quarters. This to pay their bill. There was no tip.
I picked up a check from a lady at the counter who’d had two drinks tonight. It was a 20 on an 18. 51 cent tab. I asked her if she needed a change. She said yes. I handed her a dollar back and she immediately wanted to know where her 49 cents was.
I sat a two top for dinner. They sat there for two hours. Their check was 18.00. They had two desserts and two sodas.
I waited on a regular and was told after he left that he likes to fill out the survey’s and he’s a real stickler for whether you did “everything” you were supposed to do. (First, he needs a better restaurant to be a regular in. Second, he needs to get a life if he gets his jollies from doing surveys).
My section was full when I went on break and all was good. When I came back all my tables were empty. The breaker hands me my checks and I ask her if they tipped. She says, “Oh. Yes. They all tipped.” Yes they all tipped if you consider three dollars on 65.00 a tip. Or 11.00 dollars on a 100 dollar check a tip. The last one tipped 20% but that’s because he asked me about tipping before I went on break.
Anyone see a through line here.
I just don’t want to do it anymore. I want to have the evenings at home like everyone else in the world. I want to go to bed with Adam at night rather than 6:00 a.m. like it is now. I want to not sleep all day. Which I do. I actually think the reason I’ve started going to bed so late is because once I go to bed it will be time to get up and do it all again.
It’s getting harder and harder and harder to go to work and be nice to people. I just don’t want to do it.
That’s where I am.
And it’s time to go to bed. 😦