Today’s post is brought to you by the letters S and W.

I might have exaggerated about Adam getting upset about the garbage.  Just a little.  Okay.  Maybe a lot.  He did mention it but it was light hearted.

It’s going to be a mess getting to work in the morning.  It’s been sleeting and freezing rain since I got home two hours ago.  Be careful if you have to drive.


So for the longest time I thought this problem only pertained to me.  But then I read the book “Waiter Rant” and discovered that it seems as if it’s a common occurrence with people, especially men, who wait tables.

And what is this?

Swamp Ass

I’m not even going to explain if you don’t know what it is.  Just go here and read about it.  Urban Dictionary.

Okay stopped being grossed out.  Based on the research I’ve done in the past 30 seconds it’s not as rare as I thought.  There is even a Facebook page dedicated to it.

And why do I even bring this up.


I have had the problem for the past several days.  It’s not the first time.  I’m sure it’s not going to be the last.  And there’s really nothing you can do about it in the moment.  I’ve tried everything.  Except for showering there is NOTHING that will fix it.   You just have to push through the shift and get home and take a shower.  Sometimes it makes for a VERY long tonight.

Tonight was one of those nights.

Usually it starts late in the night, when you’ve been running around all night busy beyond belief.  So you kind of understand when it happens in the middle of July at midnight on Friday night.  Tonight is started at 5:01.  My shift started at 5:00.  I knew that it was going to be a problem and I knew there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

I also know what brings it on for me.  It’s when I have to poop.  Which you’d think would be easy to just do and get it over with.  Unfortunately at work it’s not that easy.  When I’m busy there is no time.  And when I can’t use the bathroom in the small dining room well it just won’t happen.  We are not supposed to use the public restroom and I REFUSE to use the employee bathroom.  It’s disgusting.  And that’s an understatement.  The kitchen guys actually shower at the sink.  It smells awful.  I will only pee in the employee bathroom and I take a big breath and then hold it the whole time I’m in there.  I don’t even wash my hands in the employee bathroom.  I go to the hand washing sink in the kitchen where it’s not so scary.  At the moment the public restrooms are being remodeled, so the men are using the restrooms in the small dining room.  So they are off limits to us.  SO.  I have to hold it.  And the longer I hold it the worse the its gets.  And by the end of the night it’s VERY painful.

For me, the part that is the worst is that it makes my thighs chafe.  And this is exasperated by scars that I have on my thighs.  By the time my shift was over I was waddling everywhere.  I’m surprised people weren’t laughing at me.  I just wanted to get home and shower.  Unfortunately now that I’ve showered the pain on my thighs is just as bad.  I feel like they’ve been rubbed raw.  It wouldn’t surprise me at all if they were bleeding.

At least when I read the book Waiter Rant it did have a solution that does indeed work most of the time.  GOLD BOND POWDER.  It’s a miracle worker.  I don’t leave home with out it on.  And 99% of the time it works.  Unfortunately tonight, and last night, and the night before were one of the 1% nights.


There is not very much I can do.  I will just continue to use my powder.  And I’ll pray that I don’t have to poop while I’m at work.  And if the poop god’s are smiling I won’t have to and the chafing will have time to heal, and I’ll go back to being a happy waiter.


2 thoughts on “Today’s post is brought to you by the letters S and W.

  1. Java February 2, 2011 / 06:30

    I used to have that problem when I drove the school bus. It gets hot here in The South (TM) and our state doesn’t have air conditioning in the school buses, at least not in this district. Had nothing to do with poop, though, and I got to sit down most of the time. On really hot days, by the time I finished my route my pants would be sopping wet. It is one of the factors that contributed to my resignation from bus duty.

    Good luck. And be super careful going out today.

  2. Urspo February 2, 2011 / 23:43

    gold bond powder; divine !

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