I’m going to stereotype some people for a moment.

Why is it impossible to speak with a southern (hick) accent and not sound stupid.  Perhaps I only think that way because most of my family speaks with said accent and I think most of them are stupid.  If it applies to me then it must apply to everyone.

When you wait tables it’s impossible to not become biased against certain groups of people.  I once heard a black comedian say if you don’t want a canoe to tip, paint it black.  I try not to think that way.  I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt.  And for me it’s come down to two types of people that I hate waiting on.  It’s Indian’s and Southerners.  As my friend Supreet would day dot Indian, not feather Indian.  Her mother hates it when she says that.

And why do I hate waiting on these two groups of people?

First as a group  they don’t tip.  I’ve tried and tried and tried to give them better service.  Be friendlier.  Etc. Etc.  But at the end of the day it’s to no avail.

The southerners tend to be fat.  And drink Mt. Dew.   And want fifteen refills before you’ve ever put their food order in the computer.  When you  ask them how they want their burger cooked, they say “Done.”  They hate reading the menu which is why Delmar called me over tonight to yell at me for not asking him what sides he wanted with his extra well done New York Strip.  I then had to explain to him that I didn’t ask because it’s not a choice…it comes with broccoli and mashed potatoes.  That’s what the menu says.  And if this is such an issue then why didn’t you say so in the first place.  And please do not exhale as though you’ve been told your dog died when I tell you that we don’t have “Sweeeeet Teeeeee.”  If you wanted things to be like they are at home, you should have just stayed at home.  And don’t roll your eyes at me when I tell you we don’t have Coke (they are probably from Atlanta), I’m the king of all things Diet Coke.  And if I can drink Diet Pepsi anyone can.  And I really don’t care that you can get a whole case of Bud at home for 12 dollars and that 7.00 is too much to pay.  See the things at home comment from above.  We are the big city.  In fact we are the biggest city.  We are the city that people come to when they live in other cities.  That’s why you are here.  Sit back and enjoy the ride and if you are open to it you might just meet some nice interesting people.

As for the Indians.  They deserve to have something for free.  It doesn’t matter what but they deserve to have something for free.  Can’t you just give us one drink free.  Can’t you just give us a french fries for free.  So if this bar that you are not quite sure is on 46th street is not on 46th street we can come back here and have free drinks..  We’ve spent 50 dollars I think we should get one free drink.  Come on let us have the souvenir glass for free.  UGH.  UGH.  UGH.  I’ve never said this to a table but it’s coming…”Do you go to the Gap and ask for something free?  Do you go to Macy’s and ask for something free?  Then why the fuck do you think it’s okay to come to my business and ask for something free.  It’s a business.  We are here to make money.  If we gave everyone who spent 50 dollars a free drink we’d be out of business by the end of the year.  If you want food and drink for free there’s a homeless shelter right down the street.

And I understand why southerner’s don’t tip.  I’m a product of their educational system.  Do you know I never had a geography class?  I barely know where Canada is.  My senior English class was taught by a substitute teacher.  My biology teacher in high school had a nervous breakdown and never came back to school.  My 8th grade history teacher did nothing all year but do Big Bopper imitations.  My physics teacher I’m pretty sure was autistic and I’m pretty sure barely knew where he was.  My 8th grade science teacher did nothing but make gay jokes for the entire year.  It’s no wonder I put off coming out of the closet for so long.  My algebra teacher spent the entire year telling us about the pitfalls of having a car that wouldn’t reverse.  My high school Spanish teacher spoke Spanish with such a think souther accent I didn’t know till I got to college I didn’t know Buenos Dios wasn’t pronounced Buwaynose Deeeos.  I can continue, but I can hear all of you saying none of this is true.  And god knows I wish it weren’t.  But it is.  So when a southerner can’t figure out that 20% of 75.0o is not 6.00 I at least understand that it’s probably not their fault.  They are just the product of a bad educational system.

I don’t know much about the Indian Educational system.  I don’t have the energy to find out.  What I do know is a couple of weeks ago I waited on a table of four Indian girls who were out to celebrate their friends new job as an Investment banker.  It’s my guess she’s not going to do very well if she can’t tell the difference between 6% and 20%.  It’s just my guess.

And at the end of the day for both groups…I’m not your servant.  I’ll be happy to get you what you want.  But you are not the only table I’m waiting on.  Yes, the drink refills are free but I don’t think they expected you to have 30 of them when they implemented the policy.  Do not be rude to me.  Do not think I’m less than you because I’m a server.  I make a good living at my job.  I work hard.  I’m good at what I do.  Do not speak to me as though I’m stupid.  I have three college degrees.  I waited on a table one night and someone made a smart ass comment about  me just being a waiter.  They were trying to be funny.  They didn’t think it was so funny when I explained that I have three college degrees and I wait tables because I make a lot of money in a little amount of time and I only work when I want to work.  I explained to them that for the most part I only work 11 shifts a month and I make just as much as many of my friends in the city who work real jobs and I get to spend a lot more time doing the things I enjoy like spending time with my boyfriend.  So FUCK YOU!!!

Sorry I’m on this tangent tonight.  I had the misfortune of waiting on both groups of people tonight with the same experience.  I was treated like shit, I was ordered around and I was tipped poorly.

Nothing like waiting tables to make you stereotype people.