What to do? What to do?

Last night I wrote about Adam’s new roommate.   As I said, she’s perfectly nice.  

Sort of.  

After we went to bed last night Adam filled me in on some things that he doesn’t like about her that he’d forgotten.

First.  She’s a loud talker.  Very loud talker.  Is there some reason she can’t talk with an inside voice?  We’ve been sitting in the kitchen drinking margaritas and eating guacamole.  She’s been yelling for at least an hour now.  I want to shove her face into the guacamole.

She also has an opinion on everything.  EVERYTHING.  How can she have an opinion that’s different than mine.  Clearly everyone knows that my opinion is the only one that matters?  Is it too late to shove her face into the guacamole.

This brings to the forefront the question of:  How early is too early for Adam and I to move into together?  

Today JavaBear  made the statement/asked the question:

But the obvious thing, to me anyway, is that you could have been Adam’s new roommate. Or is it not quite time to move in together?

My question is: When is too soon for Adam and I to consider moving in together?  A week?  A month?  Six months?  A year?  Two years?  Never?

My living with boyfriend situation has been sort of fucked up to say the least.

Jim and I lived together, but it wasn’t very well thought out.  I needed a place to live.  He needed to move.  We said what the fuck and did it.

Sam lived with me for two years but didn’t pay rent till the last two years.  He basically lived out of a suitcase and his parent’s assumed he was living in the dorm.  When we finally moved in together it was great, except that I was cheating and was an awful boyfriend.  

Keith and I moved in together but it wasn’t very well thought out.  I was living in a house that didn’t have running water in the kitchen.  I needed to move.  We were spending all our time together.  We said what the fuck and did it.  I knew about five minutes after I moved in that I didn’t want to be there.  I loved him dearly but there was no passion in our relationship.  We hardly had sex with each other when we started dating and by the time we got to nine months we weren’t having sex at all.  Keith took me to my first bathhouse.  We both used to call in sick to go out of town to have sex with other people.

I stayed at Davids but I never got room in the closet.  I never got a drawer.  I never got anything.  He refused to stay at my house so for almost a year I paid rent on an apartment that I spent no time in.  I hated it but for the first time I was in a relationship that I was not  cheating in and I was determined that if it didn’t work it wasn’t going to be my fault.  It didn’t work.

Five years later, I’m dating Adam.  Our relationship couldn’t be better.  We love each other very much and we have a great time together.  We only spend a night apart every ten days or so.  We end up staying here more because he doesn’t have a roommate.  And it has nothing to do with Chuck.  We both feel very comfortable at my house and we both love Chuck.  It’s just at Adam’s we can run around naked and no one cares.  I suppose I could ask Chuck if he’d mind if we ran around naked.  I hadn’t thought about it till right now.  The relationship has an insane amount of passion.  Our sex life is amazing.  Better than with anyone else.  And we actually talk about the future.  We talk where we see ourselves as a couple in five years.  We’ve picked out furniture.  And china.  And we talk non-stop about our lives together.  I’ve never had that before.

So now I have a roommate.  Adam has a roommate.  And the question at hand is when should we really start thinking about living together.  I have to admit that we’ve done a lot of talking but nothing serious.  The current situation has brought the subject front and center.

So my questions to everyone out there:

When is too soon?  Are we being silly to even be talking about all this?  What do we do about our leases?  Any comments/comments would be greatly appreciated.  

Even from you people out there who never say anything.


6 thoughts on “What to do? What to do?

  1. Chris June 20, 2009 / 01:34

    Bryan and I moved in together after 6mos, 16 years later and it’s still working. I guess. 🙂

  2. Sarah June 20, 2009 / 07:46

    My rule was that I would only move in with the man I was eventually going to marry. It worked out that way (phew) and I was never left without a home if I broke up with somebody.

  3. Urspo June 20, 2009 / 09:17

    What a question, and it is a good one.
    I don’t have much experience with this. I moved in with Someone after 3 years of dating. I decided when I knew we were a couple AND I wanted it to continue and deepen.
    I vote for conservatism – date for at least a year to make sure this is going well and you know each other’s quirks.
    Good luck!

  4. karen June 20, 2009 / 11:33

    I disagree with Urspo. You know it works. Youa re together all the time anyway. Do it now.
    Not to be morbid but none of us know how long we will be around.
    I wish I had done things differently 18 years ago, and I’m hoping one day that I’ll be able to fix it.
    Do it!

  5. javabear June 20, 2009 / 11:58

    First of all, how long have you and Adam been dating?

    When writing about Adam, you have said a few times that “this is different.” You took him home to meet your mama. You came out all the way to your mother because you wanted her to know that Adam is that important to you. This is really significant, IMHO. You say “five years later, I’m dating Adam.” From what I gather, having read your blog for a while, you have changed a lot in the last few years. You’ve matured, perhaps?

    What about Adam? Is he ready to be fully immersed in an exclusive relationship? Do you and he agree on what that means? Is this thing as big to him as it is to you? It sounds like you’ve been discussing that.

    Moving in together is a really big step. From what you’ve said about him, he seems to be very important to you, and you don’t want to mess this up. Taking this step too soon might cause problems. But what is “too soon?” Only you and Adam can answer that.

    There are thousands of little details that come up in domestic partnerships that are different from roommate relationships. Like Spo says, know each other’s quirks. Have a plan for dealing with financial obligations, but be flexible. Hell, be flexible in everything. Don’t be surprised if problems arise, and commit to working together to reach solutions.

    I assume, since Adam hasn’t had a roommate, that his lease is in his name. What about your apartment? Is Chuck on the lease, or you? When do they expire/renew? I don’t know much about the lease thing, or how it works in NYC. Whose apartment is closer to whose job?

    As is usually the case, I’ve asked questions without giving many answers. It’s my specialty. 🙂 Good luck!

  6. BearToast Joe June 20, 2009 / 20:52

    She is only there for the summer? Then this may be a good time to think about what you want to do in the fall.

    She talks loudly? Ask her to speak softly. She’s in the way? Tell her, “we want to get naked and make out now. So, you headed to your room?”

    Just be up front. If she doesn’t like that, well, maybe she could move, or something.

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