Moving on up…

My boyfriend just told me I had fifteen minutes to post.  And then he wants me in bed next to him.

All this pressure makes it hard to think of something smart and witty.  But of course if I had two hours to write something it wouldn’t be smart and witty.  So perhaps it’s better I only have a few minutes.

As we move along in this relationship, which is still rather new, we’ve started to talk about long range plans.  Where we’d like to see our individual selfs a year from now, five years from now.  And now the thoughts are where we’d like to see “us” a year from now.  Five years from now.  Neither of us has a definite vision of what should be happening.  Neither of us is a long range planner sort of guy.  In case you haven’t been able to tell, I kind of fly by the seat of my pants.  If someone called tomorrow and said, “Hey wanna move to Anchorage, Alaska?”  I’d probably ask when they were leaving, sell off my retirement (if I had any left after moving back to NYC) and be on my way.  I’ve never been one for letting practicality stand in my way.  Adam is a little bit safer.  He doesn’t like change.  He’s lived in the same apartment building since the day he moved to NYC.  It’s almost 13 years later and he’s still there.  He’s been in the same job for four years.  His been in the same business for a lot longer than that.  Where I like to move around and fly by the seat of my pants, Adam sits still and flies by the seat of his pants.

Now we are having to marry this idea.  Tonight we had a long talk about when we should move in together.  Where we should live?  Still in Washington Heights/Inwood?  Downtown?  Brooklyn?  Queens?  We were in the middle of this discussion when I mentioned that I thought we needed to broaden our vision.  I asked if he’d be willing to leave New York all together and relocate somewhere else.  We talked about this for quite a long time.  He has far more reservations.  He graduated from college, moved to NYC and has been here ever since.  He thinks it’s a big deal to pick up your life and move.  Me not so much.  Since I graduated from college I have lived in Kansas, Kentucky, Georgia, Kentucky, Ohio, Kentucky, Alabama, Kentucky, Ohio, New York, California, New York.  Adam has lived in one apartment for 13 years.  I’ve lived in seven.  I’ve never been one to think twice about moving.  My move to California was the most thought out and planned for.  All the others were whims that just seemed right at the time.

I think I was scaring him.  I think he thought I meant we should do this next month.  In fact I don’t even know if leaving NYC is the right thing to do.  I just know that it’s time for change.  I’m about done with waiting tables.  My body won’t be able to sustain it much longer.  I have my mother’s genes and they are not good ones.  I also know that I’ll never be lighting shows as much as I want, as long as I’m in New York.  It’s not my life and I don’t have the motivation to do it.  I work much better being a big fish in a little pond than a little fish in a big pond.  I’ve tried both and I know what I prefer.

I finally convinced him that I didn’t mean next month.  Or the next month or the next month.  I just suggested that as the relationship progresses we might think about relocating some place that’s easier to live.  That will allow us both to pursue the lives we’ve always seen for each other as well as the life we see for us.  None of this scares me.  I haven’t been this sure about a boy ever.  As long as he doesn’t wizen up to the trap that I’ve set for him, I might be able to continue being his boyfriend.

The one thing we both agreed on was that we need to be in a larger metropolitan area.  He wants produce he needs for cooking to be fresh and available.  As he said you can’t buy parley in just any grocery store.  Neither of us wants a conservative environment.  It should have a good size arts community, especially theatre, so that I can work.  And that’s about all we need so far.  He doesn’t like hot.  I don’t like cold.  I think one of us may have to bite the bullet there.

My question to you guys?  Where should a middle aged gay man and his much younger boyfriend move to start their new lives together?  Down the street?  Or Anchorage, Alaska?

This took slightly more than fifteen minutes.


8 thoughts on “Moving on up…

  1. Rick June 6, 2009 / 05:26

    I think your contrasting traits are actually a benefit to your relationship. You can balance each other out. You’re right on letting him know you’re not talking about next month or shortly thereafter. Someone as settled as he sounds might get a little anxious over such impetus ideas.

    I’d just explore the thoughts as they come. If trying to find a shared apartment look locally first, take your time, this might be difficult for you but a more methodical approach for Adam will be needed. See if it feels right. If the NYC area doesn’t, research elsewhere.

    As for places, New England with its gay marriage has become a hot bed for gays to live. Particularly Massachusetts. Since I live here I am a bit partial. I’ve always called Boston a manageable NYC. However, I like the smaller cities 20 minutes north. Salem is a wonderful place for gay people, very vibrant, active, young and hip. Yet reasonably priced, especially to NYC standards and is accessible by train (20 minutes) into Boston.

    Just my thoughts.

  2. Kelly June 6, 2009 / 06:50

    A city similar to Richmond, or Richmond for that matter. Big city amenities with small town feel sometimes… close to larger metro areas (DC to name one). Though VA is a conservative state… Richmond can be pretty liberal… Not knowing what your BF does… it could be a good place… otherwise, places like Seattle, san Diego, Iowa… hmmmm… hope all continues to go well for you…

  3. Urspo June 6, 2009 / 21:20

    a hot man is asking you to get into bed with him, and you are writing?
    either you have a passion for writing or you are a silly-billy!

    I think new england sound the place for you; not Iowa. New Mexico is stunning if you want a change of scenery.

  4. catrina June 6, 2009 / 21:46

    Regardless of gay, straight, employed, or homeless—I will ALWAYS vote for Key West!

  5. Tom June 7, 2009 / 08:01


    You and Adam sound a lot like Michael and me… I have lived all over the place (yet surprisingly need to have a routine) and Michael has lived in VA his entire life. I could (and have) moved at the drop of a hat, he finds a place and likes the moss to grow.

    I looked at several “new” cities/places a year or so ago. My choice would be Columbus, OH or (especially now with marriage being on the table again) New England… But then, I don’t mind the cold.

    Just having the conversation was a good thing and should help you both realize the true needs of each other.


  6. BearToast Joe June 7, 2009 / 16:43

    The South ain’t so bad, despite our conservative politicians. I’d vote for Asheville, NC. Open minded small city. Lots of culture (and queers) theater, arts, beautiful weather.

  7. Donnie June 9, 2009 / 12:21

    If you’re seriously considering outside the NYC metro area, I’d like to (try) and sell you on the Virginia/North Carolina area. Although it’s mostly conservative, there are plenty of liberal cities around. My top five cities would be:
    1. Richmond, VA
    2. Asheville, NC
    3. Virginia Beach/Norfolk metro area
    4. Wilmington, NC (home of Screen Gems studios…aka Hollywood East)
    5. Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill metro area

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