Dining Tips

I’m in a grumpy mood.

I made no money at work tonight.  And I say that loosely.  I made less that 10% of my sales in tips tonight.  I still made more money that the millions of people who are unemployed.  But it was not as much as I’d have liked.  I only waited on two American tables all night.  Combined their checks were around 35 bucks.  It was two couple that each had one drink each.  They tipped 20 percent and left.  The other 97,000 tables that I waited on were foreign.  Ugh.

Things to remember the next time you go out to eat.

1.  If you are not 21 don’t get upset when I ask for your ID.  And don’t get upset when I insist that I can’t serve you even though you’ll be 21 in two days.  And I don’t care that in your country you can drink at 16.  And I really don’t care that you are dining with your parents.  And promising me a big tip won’t do the trick either.  Sorry.  Next time go to a country that lets you drink if you are younger than 21.  I have to pay my rent and I can’t pay my rent if I’m fined and fired for serving a minor.  Nope just not worth it.

2.  Don’t be rude.  At all.  Ever.  There’s no need for it.  Ever.  At all.  Let me repeat that.  DON’T BE RUDE!!!

3.  I’m aware that some of our tables need to be adjusted so they do not wobble.  I fix this problem ten times a day.  The way to get this done is as follows:

Me:  Hi guys.  How are you tonight.

You:  We are great.  Any chance we could get some help with the table.

Me:  Sure.  Give me two seconds.  There you go all better.

What not to do:

Me.  Hi guys.  How are you tonight.

You:  Shake the table uncontrollably and then yell at me to fix the table.

My response to said situation tonight.  “How about we start with a hello and how are you BEFORE we get to our demands.”

They thought I was rude and got up and left.  I don’t feel guilty.

4.  If there are seven of you and all you want is seven waters and one brownie sundae, you might want to reconsider being here.  You are welcome to look around, ask questions, take pictures, etc.  But do you really need to take up any servers table for seven with a tab that’s only going to be 10.00?  Look around you, there is a list full of names of people waiting who really WANT to eat.

5.  Don’t tell me you don’t drink.  Everyone drinks.  Everyone.  If you don’t drink you’ll die within a few days, and based on the attitude tonight we might be better off should that happen.  Next time I’ll serve that water you don’t want to drink with a fork.

6.  If the restaurant is closed.  And your server has dropped off the check after making you aware of last call for food and last call for drinks and has come back to make sure you don’t need anything.  PAY THE FUCKING CHECK!!!   You may not realize this but I can’t go home till you shell out some money.  So I sit in the wait station wishing that evil things should happen to your off spring if you don’t pay me soon.  Keep the tip.  I don’t care.  I just want to cash out and go home.

7.  And while we are on the subject.  If the restaurant is closing.  Don’t sit down for dinner.  There is nothing good that can come from this.  No one wants you to be there.  You service will be bad.  Your food will be bad.  Your entrees and appetizers and desserts will all be served at the same time.  The bussers will ask you to move your feet so they can start sweeping and mopping.  Walk down the street to the place that’s open all night, or that serves till later.  We’ll be happier and most of all you’ll be happier.  And don’t ever think about sending something back if you don’t like it if you are the last customer to sit down.  The fryer was off before they even cooked your fries.  And your burger was grilled from the warmth of the left over heat.  There is no way to recook something that you shouldn’t have ordered because you shouldn’t be eating here in the first place.

Enough rambling tonight.

A good night’s sleep and I’ll be in a much better mood tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “Dining Tips

  1. javabear May 19, 2009 / 08:00

    Ah, dear Maddog. My daughter and I sympathize. I’m afraid that won’t do you much good, but there are positive thoughts heading toward you. For whatever that’s worth.

    Some days I want to go to New York just so I can go to your restaurant and be a good customer for you. I hope your next shift is astoundingly better.

  2. Urspo May 19, 2009 / 14:24

    2. Don’t be rude. At all. Ever.

    Well said; the great challenge is to refrain from rudeness when rudeness is given to you. Few can do it, but Miss Manners says we must.

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