Wednesday…

I’m still not sure how I feel about my last post.  I feel stupid for writing the things that I did.  I feel stupid for not just enjoying the ride that I am on.  I feel like I should just shut up and stop whining.

It’s 2:30 right now and I’m not in bed because when I get up, it will be time to go to work and everything seems to be worse at work.

The best part about this insane depression is that I constantly feel like I’m getting sick.  The light bothers my eyes.  My head hurts.  I feel groggy.  My stomach has been a mess for more than a week.  And yet, I’ve been dealing with this long enough to know that it’s nothing some patience, light and a change in the seasons won’t fix.  It’s just that sometimes it’s hard to remember that.  Sometimes it seems like the fog will never lift.  Sometimes I just want to crawl into bed and never come out.

And so I hold my breath.

Literally.

I  have to tell myself to breathe.  To take a deep breath.  Hold it and then let it out.  Rinse and repeat.  When I forget to breath the fog seems to grow thicker.  And when the fog grows thicker the light disappears.  And when the light disappears so does the hope that the fog will lift.  A person can’t live without hope.  It’s the thing that keeps us going.

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7 thoughts on “Wednesday…

  1. Lemuel January 29, 2009 / 06:11

    You wrote what was honest and true. I think that expressing those feelings leads to ways of dealing with them, a pathway to healing and to the hope without which, as you note, none of us can live.

  2. Rick January 29, 2009 / 06:19

    Well, I don’t know what to say other than I’m glad you’re back to writing. I was one of those that was concerned. I will say that both post were very tender, well written and moving. Sometimes speaking from the heart is the best medicine. It releases the pain, clears the fog.

  3. Sarah January 29, 2009 / 08:26

    If breathing helps, maybe you should try meditation or yoga.

  4. urspo January 31, 2009 / 00:44

    you musn’t feel stupid or regret what you post.

    True – when we are stressed we forget to breathe – i check in with my posture and breathing and clenching throughout the day.

  5. Cincy Diva January 31, 2009 / 19:22

    No one should ever make you feel dumb about what you feel! Hope is a wonderful thing. You are never without it. Even when you think you can’t see any hope ahead, look closely. There’s a glimmer of the tiniest ember right in front of you.
    My thoughts are with you dear.

    Huge Hugs
    Cincy

  6. BearToast Joe February 2, 2009 / 13:42

    Keep being honest. It’s OK

    Hey, I’m coming to NYC 2-03 and 2-04. email me if there’s a chance we could get together.

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