I’ve been missing in action. If I’ve worried you, I’m sorry.
I always get depressed after the holidays and this year it seems to be worse than usual. Couple that with the fact that I’ve actually started dating someone, which I hate, and add to that mix the reality that my cash cow at the restaurant has imploded. And all this has left me a mess.
First the depression.
I’ve always gotten depressed after the holidays. I’m not sure if it’s related to the holidays or not. I don’t know if it’s because I know that we are now locked into the winter weather for the next couple of months without a break. I don’t know if it’s the lack of sun. I have never been able to figure it out. It is a reality that I have learned to deal with. So this year I’m doing a little more hibernating when I’m home than usual. I find myself wandering around my apartment at a loss for things to do. I can’t focus on the computer so I haven’t been catching up with my friends in the blog world. I can’t focus on TV so I am weeks behind in my DVR’d shows. I try reading and that only makes things worse. I started working on updating my professional website but I can’t work at it for more than 30 minutes or so at a time without wanting to jump out of my skin. And so I’ve been just trying to wait out the depression, knowing it will lift soon enough.
The restaurant. The recession has hit us hard at work. According to management we are down thousands of dollars each day compared to last year. There is very little business. We have about 85% less staff on each night than before the holidays. Some nights people are cut from work before they even start. As for the schedule, there are people who aren’t being scheduled at all. Even more get only one shift per week. I’ve gone from five to three and I count myself lucky. Unfortunately, when I am there I find myself standing around waiting for tables that don’t come in. Luckily I had a good weekend, so I was able to pay my rent on time. I’d already warned Chuck that I might be a few days late. And the scary part is that February is traditionally slower than January, which means we are all going to be homeless by March 1. I’ve already started saving up card board boxes to live in, in case that happens. All kidding aside, all I can do is show up for work, try to be in the best mood possible and hope the people that are coming in, tip 50%.
And last but not least…the boy.
I’m quite smitten.
Which scares me.
I hate dating. With a passion. I’ve never been the type to enjoy the ride and just wait to see how it all turns out. I have a friend who is dating four different men right now. I don’t know how he does it. I don’t like dating one guy, let alone four. I’m the type of person who becomes attached too quickly and that either scares the guy a way or I realize a month from now he’s a creep and I never should have even gone on the second date with him. Or even worse, he becomes my boyfriend even though I don’t like him and I wish he’d just go away.
So I’m dating someone. And it makes me crazy. And that only adds to the depression I’m already feeling. At this point I don’t even know if I’m just experiencing the depression I’m normally feeling or depression related to the boy.
And what’s worse I can’t really talk to anyone about this because they think I’m crazy and tell me that everyone feels this way, or that I should just get over it.
The thing that I’ve discovered from the three weeks this has been going on is that I have a lot missing from my life. And I’m quite sure that’s what’s causing the biggest part of the depression. My life for the most part consists of working, going to the “movies” and being at home. I don’t really do much else. I rarely go the real movies, I never see theatre even though that’s what I do for a living. I hardly ever see friends from grad school. I don’t like most of the people I work with. I love Chuck, but we don’t really socialize together. And so when I’m not at work, the craving for a social outlet and the need to be around other people pushes me to the “movies.”
And now I have this boy that I’m smitten with. And I don’t know what to do with myself. I’m working two days less than I was. I don’t want to go to the “movies” because I don’t want to spoil the chance of this new relationship working. I don’t have the money to go out and play. So I’m even more lost in my skin than I was before. So I focus on the boy. And I’m terrified that I’m going to scare him away. I wait for his calls. I wait to be invited over to his house. And I feel like I’m coming off as this desperate, lonely man. Which I guess is sort of the case. Which scares me, because I can’t really tell if I like him, or the idea of him. And I don’t know how to separate the two.
And the desperate part of me, makes it difficult to know if he likes me. Which is really bullshit, because all indications point to the fact that he likes me as much as I like him. He invited me to his birthday dinner on Sunday. And today is his birthday, and we are spending the evening together. And we already have a date planned for Sunday. And we talk just about every day. So I really have no reason to doubt that he’s interested and yet I do. In my twisted, fucked up way, I think he’s only dating me until someone better comes along. Or because he feels sorry for me. Or some other stupid reason.
And intellectually I know all if this is in my head, but knowing and feeling are two very different things.
I’ve been tempted to just tell him I don’t want to see him anymore because it will ease the pressure in my head that feels like it’s going to explode at any minute. And I don’t want to do that, but if any of you out there have ever dealt with severe depression you will know what I’m talking about and how sometimes you’ll do just about anything to make it go away.
And so I haven’t posted for the last couple of weeks because I don’t want to sound ridiculous. And I don’t want people feeling sorry for me. And I don’t want people telling me that everyone feels this way. And if I say these things, or even worse write them, then it will make them real and if it turns out the things in my head are real, then depression will be even worse than it is now.
And I feel stupid even writing this stuff today.