Chapter — Four

Yes, I know.

I’m a heel.

An ass.

A jerk.

I’ve known this for a long time.  In fact I think a number of people at work said as much tonight.

I would love to give you the million reasons I think I cheated on Sam.  And Jim before him and Keith after him.

For Sam it might have been:

I was 26 he was 18.  He couldn’t spend the night or be seen with me in certain circumstances AND he had a curfew.

He was too young to get into bars.

He was limited in his sexual activities and was freaked out by a number of things I wanted to do.  And no it wasn’t like I wanted to tie him up and fist him.  It was normal stuff that he was grossed out by.  Trust me, by the end of our relationship he was all over it.

He was living at home, being supported by his parents, and had no bills or responsibilities.

Of course none of these excuses hold any water.  I was just an ass.  A big ass at that.  And I’m sure the big karma gods in the sky are going to pay me back in full one day.

And don’t think I’m making light of this.  I would rather cut off my arm then cheat today.  I spent two years in a relationship with David and for a year of that we lived on different coasts and I never once considered cheating on him.  And I didn’t even like him.

I can’t even watch cheating on TV or the movies.  I walked out of the movie Unfaithful a couple of years ago because it was centered on a woman cheating on her husband.

I truly believe today that if you need to cheat you need to do one of two things.

First.  Get out of the relationship.  Just get out.  Tell them you are not interested, it’s not working, you hate them, you’re in different places, you have a new boyfriend.  Tell them something but get out.  It’s not nearly as hard as you think.  And if you think breaking up is hard, wait till you see the drama you create when you bring home crabs and give it to your boyfriend.  (And no that’s never happened to me.  God knows how, but it never has).

Or tell your boyfriend that you want an open relationship.  Give him the opportunity to have some say in the matter.  Just for today, I’d say no if I if my partner told me that he wanted an open relationship.  But I’m also smart enough to know that it might be true today and three years from now it might seem like the thing to do.  I have several friends in relationships that are open and it seems to work for them.  They have ground rules and guidelines and they have to be open and honest about what’s going on.  I applaud them for finding a way to make this stuff work for them, but as I said today, it’s not for me.

And when did Sam learn that I was cheating on him.  A friend, Jay told him about a year and a half into our relationship and I DENIED IT.  I DENIED IT.  I DENIED IT.  And Sam believed me and he and Jay are no longer friends.  Of course I think Jay’s an ass for a lot of other reasons so I think Sam was better off.  And the truth really came out in October of 1995 about 10 months after we broke up.  Two guys that I’d hooked up with decided to create some drama in Sam’s life and told him.  I never admitted to what degree it had happened but I did tell him that there were a couple of times.

And once again I know what I did was wrong.  But I ask this question.  It’s 10 months after we’ve broken up.  We are trying to put the past behind us and get on with our lives.  Did the guys have to be a dick and tell him?  It served no purpose other than to create be cruel to Sam.  By then I wasn’t even living in Kentucky and for the most part it didn’t even affect me.  It just made Sam angry and sad and I guess allowed the “boys” to get some pleasure out of it.

And so it’s three days later and I’ve cheated on Sam.  And yet I’m still completely infatuated with the 18 year old boy who’s spending more and more time with me.  Who stops by almost every night and always leaves at 1:45.  Who’s completely in the closet and won’t even let me meet his friends because he’s convinced they’ll know.  And despite the cheating, I count every moment till we are together again and I want to find a way to make this last.

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4 thoughts on “Chapter — Four

  1. Sarah October 18, 2008 / 08:46

    There is no reason to tell someone what’s in the past. If you aren’t in the relationship, stay out of it.

    I did tell friend A something about friend B (a third party had actually set A and B up) only because their first (and last) date had occured the night after a bachelor party for friend C. Two nights after the party, Friend D had told me all about Friend B and a hooker. The next night I heard from Friend A that she’s been out with Friend B. I told her what I had heard beecause 1) he should have still been trying to wash himself clean instead of out dating and 2) One date isn’t a relationship. It’s test driving a used car and a person has a right to all information before making a commitment.

  2. urspo October 18, 2008 / 20:43

    what a story
    well, most people ‘cheat’; not a good thing I know but perhaps part of human fraility
    living life requires charity, a great deal of charity; sometimes most to ourselves.

  3. javabear October 19, 2008 / 00:49

    Life is about learning (among other things). You have learned a lot. I agree with Ur-Spo about charity, and the importance of applying it to ourselves.

    The drama seeking “friends” were so wrong to drag Sam through the chaos of your past behavior. It was over and should have been left alone. But people for whatever reason make bad choices about things. Often.

  4. BearToast Joe October 19, 2008 / 19:47

    Yes, you were a jerk. So have I been. Time and again. thank you for your honest story telling. I don’t feel “better” about what I did, but I understand. We can live through being jerks and get over it. Te absolve.

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