Things that piss the waiter off…

I’m not a someone who thinks children should be seen and not heard.  And I understand that parents need to take their children to restaurants when they are vacationing.  But in the last couple of days I’ve seen some things that annoy the fuck out of me.


Yesterday there was a party of 10 having dinner.  At the table were at least four kids under the age of six.  And what was the problem here.  There were four DVD players placed on the table to keep the kids entertained during dinner.  HUH?  How about you put down your vodka tonic and actually engage your children in conversation.  Even a five year old likes to be paid attention to.  Or perhaps you can play a game with them.  Or find other ways to keep them busy.  The DVD players are parents in a box.  It substitutes the need to have genuine contact with each other.  If you don’t want to talk to your children why don’t you put them up for adoption.  There are thousands of families out there right now who would love to have children they could cuddle, and love and share their lives with.


Under no circumstances should you think it’s okay to put your three year old up on the bar.  What kind of example do you think your setting.  Of course in ten years you’ll be wondering why he’s drinking and where he’s getting it from.  God forbid you actually set a good example for your child.  And no I don’t think it’s wrong for parents to drink, but have some class.  Get a table.  And don’t look surprised or pissed off when the bartender tells you that junior can’t be at the bar.  It’s the law!!!  And it’s not okay for you to park your kids at my counter while you drink and enjoy yourself at the bar.  Once again, if you don’t want to spend time with your kids leave them at home.  You’d be surprised how many times I’ve seen a lone child sitting at the counter bored out of his mind while his parents drink at the bar.  Oh, and by the way.  It’s real classy when you park your baby carriage at the bar while you tie one on.  I’m just saying.


I’m sure someone, somewhere is amused when you let your children run wild in the restaurant.  But I’m not one of them.  Nor is anyone else I work with.  A couple of nights ago there was a party of six with two kids under the age of four seated right next to the wait station.  At one point we were taking bets on who the lucky waiter was going to be that stepped on one of the kids.  They were allowed to run all over the place.   At one point the parents didn’t even know where one of the kids was because she’d wondered into another part of the restaurant.  You may not believe this, but a waiter carrying a tray with twelve drinks on it, isn’t watching the floor for munchkins.  And believe me when I say that you are going to have a hard time proving negligence when the waiter trips over your child and breaks it’s leg.  In fact, if the waiter breaks his own leg I’m hoping that you have one hell of an insurance policy on your head.  Cause if it’s me, you’re going to need it.  And while I’m on the subject, it’s also not okay to let your children sleep on the floor.  A couple of nights ago, I almost stepped on a little girl who was stretched out in the path to the bar while her parents entertained themselves.

And Fourth…

Don’t look offended, or out of sorts or put out when someone, like me tells you that you need to control your children.  It’s your job to take care of them.  And that includes keeping them out of harms way.  And you may not realize this but a restaurant is a very dangerous place.  There’s a reason I only have house plants.  I don’t have to entertain them, they don’t get in the way, and if my roommate forgets to water them, no one calls ACS on us.  If you have decided to have children and even if you haven’t when you agree to care for them you get the whole package.  Not just the parts that you want.

And to end.  Children should not be given too many choices.  I dated a second grade school teacher once and he believed that children should only be given two choices.  Red or blue.  Sprite or Coke.  Chicken or a burger.  When you read the entire children’s menu to a four year old it causes over load on their brain and it short circuits and I’m left standing there while you try to figure out why little Johnny has started to cry and suddenly won’t even talk anymore.

And I’m not expert but you can treat your child like an adult as much as you want but until they are about 27 they need some guidance and discipline and love and attention.  So don’t make me tell you again.


10 thoughts on “Things that piss the waiter off…

  1. Lemuel August 22, 2008 / 05:05

    As I read this post, I was struck by the evidence that you would make a very good parent. (I know, I know, houseplants and all…) But much of what you have said indicates some basics of good parenting. There are too many “trophy kids” out there – or slip ups because of a forgotten condom or pill – and the children are the ones who pay the price. YOu just presented more evidence that gays are just as qualified to be parents as straights – maybe more so.

  2. Mike August 22, 2008 / 05:37

    You should print up this post and hand it out to all those families waiting at the Host’s stand. They should be required to read, sign, and agree to everything you said.

    Violators would be required to give up custody to those of us who actually want children.

  3. Tom August 22, 2008 / 07:09


    I raised four of my own… You are so right!

    Babysitters are not that expensive, but I have since they grew up, switched to plants (except mine are all silk)….

    I want to know when I will make it back to your blogroll too?


  4. Sarah August 22, 2008 / 07:54

    Where I used to work we’d get two families that would come in together and they’d require a second table for their fucking brats. The parents would ignore the hell their spawn were raising (including intentionally bothering other patrons) and act like the waiter was their nanny. Inevitably the parents would bitch about something like orders being brought out separately (because the food runner didn’t know one party had two tables – god forbid you combined the tables, I mean, who’d want to sit with those kids). Somehow, someway I made those fuckers happy one night and was rewarded for it by management. I only hope karma has given them the future they were obviously after – being stuck with their adult children smoking meth in the basement.

    That said the world is divided up into two groups of people – the assholes and the non-assholes. Sadly, the assholes can procreate and make more assholes.

  5. Chris August 22, 2008 / 12:06

    Not a waiter, but damn couldn’t agree more on all these points. I’m just shocked that you don’t need a license to have kids…

  6. Aaron August 22, 2008 / 12:40

    Absolutely spot on. Every point.

    These are incredible arguments for forced sterilization. It’s always the wrong people who seem to have kids. Or else maybe the stupid, obnoxious ones just go out to eat more often, because they can’t cook any better than they can unwrap a condom (now I’M just sayin’!).

  7. jason August 22, 2008 / 13:13

    I have two young daughters of my own, and I completely agree with every point. For the most part, when I take them out to a restaurant, it’s a lot of fun a treat that the three of us share. As a parent, I am very grateful that I don’t have to deal with the things (for the most part)with children and their “parents” that you do.

  8. javabear August 23, 2008 / 00:50

    Sad. Very sad for the kids.

  9. Bill August 23, 2008 / 20:42

    Amen, brother.
    You should expand this and turn it into a book.

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