I LOVE THE BABY JEEEEEZUS!

I think I must be sitting over a puddle of water, because I’ve been bitten about 15 times in the last 30 minutes by mosquitoes. My legs are two big welts that are itching like nobody’s business. I have two huge bites on my face. What I would like to do is go jump in the shower in cold water and just rinse off. But to get the foot condom on, ease myself into the tub etc…would take 30 minutes. And it’s one thing to rinse off in cold water. It’s completely different to sit in cold water. The bites do take my mind off the itching that has become my left ankle.

And that concludes my complaining for the evening.

I should mention that when I woke up on Sunday morning, whatever had happened to my cell phone had fixed itself. I turned it on and it worked as if nothing had ever happened. Needless to say, it made me very happy. I was not looking forward to schlepping downtown to spend money I don’t have on a phone. So I didn’t have to go get a phone. I said a little thank you prayer. My friend Tom seems to think the reason bad things keep happening to me is because I’ve pissed off the Baby Jeeezus. So I asked for forgiveness. And what do you know the phone worked. He’s probably on to something.

It might also be the good Karma I’ve been putting out. On Saturday I called my mom to tell her that I would not be sending flowers to her for Mother’s Day. I usually have a bouquet sent to her on Friday or Saturday before. I told her this year that I had ordered her a gift, to do something different but that it wouldn’t be in until after the day. I promised her that she would like it.

But then today when I got up, I started thinking that she deserved flowers after all. So I called the florist in Kentucky that I’ve used since the early 90’s and ordered her a big spring bouquet. I had it sent to her office so that everyone would see what a great son I was. (I’m not stupid here). Of course everyone thought it was her birthday. But she straightened them out. These were for Mother’s Day…from her son in NYC. She likes throwing that fact around..(evil grin). She said that they were beautiful and as always said that I didn’t need to do that. But I try to do what I can to make her happy and let her know that I love her.

Which is why I ordered her “real” Mother’s Day, Birthday, Christmas present in all on Saturday. I’m buying her a new desktop computer. She’ll yell at me for doing it. She tell me it’s too much. She’ll insist that I send it back. But what can she do? I’m as hard-headed as she is and don’t respond well to orders. The computer she’s been using is my old desktop that I purchased in 1999. It’s as slow as Christmas…actually it’s slower. It takes forever to open a program and then has to think about every command before it does it. It actually was fine for what she used it for until the modem went kaput. There was a bad storm in the fall and it knocked out the phone lines. When they were repaired the modem no longer worked. We think that there was some sort of power surge, etc. that might have been the culprit. She had my brother’s ex-boyfriend (yes, he’s gay too…no grandkids for mom) look at it and he said it would cost more to replace the modem than the computer was worth. My mom doesn’t use it much. She uses it to email friends and family and to send pictures to everyone. ( I got her a new Powershot Canon Digital Camera for Christmas. I have to keep reminding her that I’m the good son). She also has been organizing all of her recipes into one location so that she can find them, and they are written down so that one day we’ll be able to have them. She also plays computer games like nobodies business. She’s fucking excited as hell that Grand Theft Auto 4 has been released. Her idea of fun is shooting up some bad cops in NYC.

(I hope you know I’m kidding). Although she does play a lot of games like solitaire etc.

So in about two weeks a Dell computer will be dropped off for her. It’s being delivered at work (which is a story in and of itself). Why at work? She’ll be at work when it’s delivered unless it’s the weekend AND it let’s everyone know what a great son I am. (Got to keep up the appearances). It is coming with everything. The computer, monitor, speakers, keyboard, mouse, printer. It will all be there for her. And she’ll bitch about it for a couple of days but what I’m really going to tell her is that I’m being selfish because she can’t send me pictures of the new baby cousin if she doesn’t have email. That should calm her until she’s used to it.

And then last but not least. I kind of told a little white lie to her. I told her that if she signed up for DSL that when I get back from Oklahoma I’ll start paying for it. (That’s not the lie). When I’m waiting tables it won’t be a problem. I convinced her that if she got DSL her current computer would work just fine and that she wouldn’t need a modem. (That’s the lie). What I really want is for her to have a real connection to the internet. So that it doesn’t take four hours to load one web page. Once again I’m being selfish. I’m going to be staying at her house for four weeks this summer and I want a real internet connection. I’ll go crazy trying to make these posts with dial-up. I would end up punching the computer. And where would that leave us? It really didn’t take much to convince her to do this. She was supposed to do it today, but I don’t know if she did. I’m going to call tomorrow and see. I’ll stay on her butt until she does it.

And then last but not least…more good karma…

My mom and I share a cell phone plan with Verizon. Except for the part of her having to have a NYC number it’s fine. It was either she have a NYC number or I have a KY number. Since I was paying I won. So we’ve been sharing this plan for well over four years. With Verizon you can talk to other Verizon customers for free so my mom and I talk for free. Most of my other friends including my friend Todd, my roommate, Michelle all have Verizon so all of the people I talk to the most, I talk to free. So with all the free talking that I get, plus all the regular talking we do, my mom and I use about half of the 1400 minutes we pay for. Unfortunately, the next least plan is 700 minutes and we average from 600 to 800 minutes a month. Thus we pay for more even though we don’t use them all.

There is a point to all of this.

I have an aunt, my mom’s sister, who isn’t doing so well financially. She has never worked more than babysitting and now that she’s in her 60’s she doesn’t work at all. She’s losing her sight because she’s diabetic and so it’s hard for her to get around. My uncle Tom, her husband was diagnosed with full blown Parkinson’s Disease in 2003. It continues to get worse and although he still tries to work on the farm that he’s worked on for 30 years it’s hard for him. I’m convinced the only reason they still pay him is because he’s been there so long and they feel guilty. So with neither of them really able to work it takes every penny they have to live. So my aunt was telling me that they have a “pay as you go” phone that they use that costs them about 30 bucks a month. And if you do the math that’s 360 bucks a year. And I have 700+ minutes a month not being used. So I’m going to order my aunt a phone and send it to her. That way she’ll have a cell phone which they don’t use that often, and hopefully will be able to save the 30 bucks they spend on theirs each month. It’s really not a big deal, but I think it will mean a lot to them.

It’s all about the Karma.

So surely the BABY JEEEZUS is not still mad at me.

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11 thoughts on “I LOVE THE BABY JEEEEEZUS!

  1. Peter May 6, 2008 / 04:41

    So, you’re not just a Good Son but a Great Nephew as well !!!

  2. sorted May 6, 2008 / 05:00

    You really are a wonderful son. Other moms should be so lucky!

  3. Lemuel May 6, 2008 / 05:20

    For those bites you might try a paste of baking soda and water or I hear toothpaste works too to relieve the itch.

    I can see that you had a plastic week, too, but your plastic is buying people nice things and fun – not to mention the boost in your “favorite son/nephew” ratings! 😉

    As for Baby Jeezus, I think he loved you all along, despite what they say in Kansas.

  4. Rick May 6, 2008 / 06:22

    What a good son. Thank God my Mom doesn’t have a computer to read this otherwise she’d fire me and adopt you!

  5. Lemuel May 6, 2008 / 06:47

    Follow-up. I forgot to say that I was happy to hear that your cell phone was resurrected.

    and, btw, I have Verizon, too. 😉

  6. Sarah May 6, 2008 / 08:04

    What a good way to use those extra minutes. Looks like you have found a way to fill your time by doing good.

    One question: Why do you have to remind her you’re the good son? Is there some sibling rivalry at play?

  7. Chris May 6, 2008 / 12:06

    The baby jeebus weeps with pleasure at what a good son/nephew you are!

  8. Daniel May 6, 2008 / 12:56

    Baby Jeeezus thinks you’re his hero.
    What will you tackle next? World hunger, war in the Balkans? Baby J is looking for answers now that Mother T is gone.

  9. Bill May 6, 2008 / 19:52

    You know what’s weird? Well, lots of things, but specifically in reference to this post. Yesterday I thought my cell foam was broken. It would do everything but dial out. It’s a Verizon foam, too. Maybe the cell foams declared a wildcat strike. Today it’s been working fine. Thank Bebby Jebus.

    I really like that karma illustration.

    Your mom is going to bragging about you all over town. I need to tell you something, though. She adopted you, and I am your real mother. Contact me, and I’ll give you a delivery address for my new computer. Don’t forget the flowers, either.

  10. urspo May 7, 2008 / 23:20

    despite everything I believe that Good Karma will come around
    and bad Karma will indeed get you.

  11. Donnie May 15, 2008 / 08:55

    Awww….this is a great post to get back into the swing of things. You’re a wonderful son/nephew! *big hug*

    I’m glad to be back reading your blog.

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