I’m beat and I haven’t done a single damn thing today.

I never got to sleep last night. I finished writing the post you read today around 3:45 a.m. My ride to the airport showed up at 4:05 a.m. I was just putting my shoe on when she arrived. I gathered up my belongings and by gather up I mean she took a deep breath and lugged my bag out to the car. And then we were on the way. I could have fallen asleep immediately but I thought it would be rude to sleep while she drove. So we chatted. It was a nice drive. In no time at all we were at the airport.

The thing that was worrying us was how she would get my bag to the ticket counter since I couldn’t carry it and she couldn’t leave the car parked at the curb. When we got there it wasn’t that bad. She pulled up to the curb. She helped me out and then just lugged my bag inside. There was no one waiting so she dropped it and the counter and gave me a hug and ran back to her car. As soon as I turned around, the woman behind the counter had processed my boarding pass, asked to see my ID and then said to have a seat since the wheel chair was there. The lady with the wheel chair was great. She was too funny and too friendly.

First stop security.

I’ve flown a million times since 9/11, with the increased security. I’ve never had a problem getting through. I’ve never had my bags searched. I’ve never set off the metal detectors. But wouldn’t you know, as I hopped through on one leg today, the machine beeped. “I’ll need male assistance for search.” UGH!!! It’s not that I mind, it’s just that I minded today. I’m not allowed to sit down. I’m not allowed to have my crutches. I am balanced on one foot waiting to be moved into the security area to be “patted” down. Of course while I’m standing there another guy next to me sets off the alarm and practically pushed me down so that he could go first. Finally Mr. Security Guy comes over to process us. Needless to say, Mr. Pushy got processed first. I stood balanced on one leg for almost 20 minutes till it was my turn.

I hopped into the security area, terrified that I was going to loose my balance and land on my broken ankle. They kept asking if I needed a cane, but a cane is not crutches. I was allowed to sit down finally. But only for a second. The first thing they asked me to do was to stand up, stretch out my arms and stand there while they ran the wand over my body. And of course it found nothing. It never beeped, it never made any noise at all. But I had to stand there at least 10 minutes while the ran the wand everywhere. And then he was finished. Next I got patted down. And it’s my opinion that if I have to be patted down I should at least get a boy that’s cute. I’m just saying. So I get patted down and finally after balancing on one foot for 45 minutes I get to sit back down in the wheel chair, put on my shoe and start toward the gate.

As I said, wheel chair lady was sweet. She love my toenails. She commented that they matched my eyes. She took me to three stores to find one that sold Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi would just NOT do. Then she dropped me at the restroom. And then pushed me to the gate. I asked on the last leg of the trip whether I was supposed to tip her or not. I had never been wheeled through an airport before. She responded by saying that it was entirely up to me. I gave her ten bucks.

And now that I was at the gate it was time to sit and wait. The flight had been delayed thirty minutes because of weather in NYC. While I was sitting there the gate agent came over to check on me and offered to change my seat to one in the front of the plane. I told him I didn’t care as long as it was an aisle. And an aisle it was. Not long after that we were boarded and on our way.

The rest of the trip was fairly uneventful. We landed and after a few minutes a not so nice lady arrived to wheel me to baggage claim. When we got there my driver was waiting for me. Within about 15 minutes or so, I was in the car on my way to my apartment. Of course the part that I had been dreading was still in front of me. I’m a large guy and bouncing up two flights of stairs is NOT fun. And as I suspected it was not. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the driver had not been in a hurry to drop off my bag and leave. So I hopped as fast as I could. Of course I missed the top step and almost fell backwards which in and of itself would have been hysterical, don’t you think.

So I’m home, I’m tired. I’m a little grumpy. So I’m going to go sleep in my own bed.


8 thoughts on “HOME!!!!

  1. Rick April 29, 2008 / 04:14

    Welcome home!

  2. sorted April 29, 2008 / 04:50

    Glad you are home – safe and sound.

  3. Lemuel April 29, 2008 / 05:21

    Glad you made it safely!

    I concur that the pat boys ought to be required to be hotties! Maybe porn stars on holiday.

    You are *SO* NY and *SO* waiter! Offering to tip the nice wheel chair lady. *grin*

    Sleep well, my friend! Dream of cute pat boys!

  4. Mike April 29, 2008 / 05:59

    Porn stars on holiday. Nekkid. With big penis’. I figured I’d keep that one going.

    Welcome home!

  5. Sarah April 29, 2008 / 08:16

    If they had given you the cane, would you have had the chance to whack Mr. Pushy upside the head with it?

    Just noticed I’m on your blogroll. Thanks, mister.

    Fingers crossed re: you work situation.

  6. Bill April 29, 2008 / 11:19

    From corn fields to the Chrysler Building. It’s amazing what a few hours can do.

    I hope you will be able to rest now. I started to say ‘rest in peace’ but that didn’t sound right.

  7. Bill April 29, 2008 / 11:23

    p.s. yes, I have seen Christopher Meloni in the Oz series. That’s when I fully appreciated the pause, slow motion, zoom, and frame-by-frame features on my DVD player.

  8. urspo April 29, 2008 / 11:51

    i am glad you are home; there is no place like it afterall.
    I hate travel, mostly for the nonsense of the security check in.
    I am intrigued about the dislike of Diet Pepsi – i thought they are interchangeable/taste the same?
    apparently not; please tell me/us when you have the time what is the difference.

    please take care of the foot.

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