I need you guys to do me a favor.
The next time I even think about bringing someone home with me. Slap me really hard.
I was on the subway tonight, minding my own business, tapping my foot to the music playing on my Ipod. I was about 4 stops from home when I noticed a very cute Hispanic boy down the way looking at me. For a while I ignored him, but it became more and more apparent that he was cruising me. So I started looking back. And then he smiled. And then I smiled. And this went on till I got off the train. Just before the doors closed he got up and got off the train as well.
And so he approached me on the platform. He said hello. I said hello back. His English was terrible and I couldn’t really understand what he was saying. I know he was from the Dominican Republic, his name was Alex, and that he was cute. And so what was I to do but to invite him home with me.
I should say at this point, that I have lived in my current apartment since July of 2006 and I’ve never brought anyone home before. In fact, the only action my room has ever gotten was the “action” I get from my right hand. So this was a big deal to invite someone home with me.
And so we started home. We chatted as we walked. Well sort of. He talked and I said, uh-huh a lot. He did ask me if I lived alone and if I had a boyfriend. My answers were no, and no. And so as we arrived at my apartment I explained that he needed to be quiet and we headed for the bedroom.
And this is where things started to disintegrate. I went to the bathroom, and when I came out he was almost naked. So much for the fun of undressing him. Second, he shouldn’t have removed his hat. He was mostly bald. Not that I don’t like bald men, because I do. But he was not one of the more attractive bald men I’ve seen. A good example of what I’m talking about is Kenny Chesney, the country music star.
With the hat, very cute.
Without the hat, not so much.
And then he grabbed me and wouldn’t let go. I’ve noticed this in other Hispanic men I’ve been with. They latch onto you, like their life depends on it, and there’s not getting them to back off. After about 15 seconds of this, I was pushing him away with all my might. And I still couldn’t get him to relent. This basically went on the whole time we were having sex. Ugh. And then there was the sex. He was terrible. And because he didn’t speak English, there was no getting him to understand what I wanted. And trust me I tried. And when it became clear what this was amounting to, all I wanted was for him to cum and go. And unfortunately that took forever. Ugh, again. Of course I haven’t gotten to the two best parts. First, he told me he loved me, over and over the whole time we were having sex. And then would follow that with, mi amour. And then I love you. Then mi amour. And then when it couldn’t get any worse, he asked me if I loved him. And I wanted to laugh. Actually I wanted him to leave but what can you do. And then…………..he finally came. And then we were lying there. And it quickly became apparent that he wanted to spend the night. No way. I let him lie there for about 5 minutes and then said, well you gotta go. To which he responded that he only wanted to stay for three hours. And I said, NO. And then he asked again. And I said NO. And then I explained that he couldn’t be there when my roommate got up. And then he asked me if my roommate was my boyfriend. And well what could I say. YES, YES, YES…he’s my boyfriend. And this pissed him off royally. He didn’t speak to me again. Not while he was getting dressed. Not when he was leaving. Not at all. He shook my hand just before he went out the door. He was visibly pissed. But what was I to do. I hadn’t known him long enough to be in love. There was no way I was letting a stranger sleep over. Especially since the sex was bad. And well he just had to go.
And that my friends, is why I need you to slap me the next time I even consider bringing a stranger home with me.
Of course I should mention, the he was Dominican in every sense of the word. If only he’d known what to do with it.