I’ve realized over the past two or three days that the depression I’ve suffered with most of my adult life has returned. It’s a sneaky little beast. It would be so much easier to recognize if it just pounced on me. Instead it sneaks up. I find I’m sleeping a little later/more than I was. I’m eating more than I should. I’m a little grumpier than I tend to be. Little things have started to annoy me. My bedroom is no longer in order. I don’t shave every day. Individually none of these things mean much. I slept in today because I was tired. I ate a sandwich at 2:00 a.m. because I was hungry. I snapped at the person because they snapped at me. But then I wake up one day and realize that when all of these things are added together and I start to think about how I feel, I realize the depression is back.
I’ve also been dealing with it long enough to know why. It’s winter and the days are SHORT. It’s Christmas and the holidays have been depressing for me for many years. I’m 42 and I’m waiting tables and I don’t like that fact. I have no theatre work lined up for the next 3 months. I’m also not as thin as I thought I would be by the end of the year. And well I could continue the list. Long story short I know why I’m depressed.
Now the question: What do I do about it?
First I have to stop sleeping so much. I need to set the alarm and get out of bed and drink some coffee in the morning. This makes me happy and gets me going. It’s just hard to do this when I’m really not feeling it. I also need to start back on the South Beach Diet. I have gotten away from it for the past 6 weeks or so, and I’m starting to gain weight, and at the end of the day I feel much better about myself when I’m eating healthy. I also need to talk to my doctor about the depression when I see him on Thursday. I usually act as if everything is fine, but it’s really not and I need to tell him so. I think it might be time to change up the medication. The tricky part there is I still don’t have health insurance and I WON’T take a prescription that has adverse sexual side effects. And the ultimate way I’m going to get through this: I just need to wait it out. The only nice thing about depression (at least for me) is that it eventually passes and I WILL start to feel better. The big question is how long that will take. If you’ve never dealt with it, two minutes of depression is too much, so to think I may have to wait for spring to get her is a little overwhelming.
For the moment though, I just need to get through the holidays. Christmas is tomorrow. New Year’s is next week. And then we’ll see how things are going.