Dining Out 101

Ten things to do to annoy the waiter.

1. Tell the waiter you are ready to order then sit and giggle while you try and figure out whether you want the Cobb Salad, the Chicken Fajitas, or the Club Sandwich. If you are still deciding you are NOT ready. And contrary to popular belief you are not the only person that I’m waiting on. If fact if I’M waiting on you I probably have about 25 other people that need something right now.

2. Ask for the check. And receive the check. And then tell me you have a coupon, or AAA discount, or military discount or any other kind of bullshit discount. If you know you have this, the time to tell me is before you get the check. If you wait until after, then I just have to print another check after the manager issues the discount. Think of how many trees you kill being stupid.

3. After you receive your discount, tip less than the amount that was deducted from the check. In most cases the discount is 10% so lets say your check is 88.88. So that would make your total discount 8.88. Leaving me 5.00 is not acceptable. It’s not even 10% and the thing that pisses me off even more is you fucking saved almost 9.00 would it really hurt to tip me at least 15%. Everyone I work with knows that the minute someone whips out their AAA card the tip just went out the window.

4. Ask for separate checks. Are you really so stupid that you can’t figure out how much you owe. If you are then I suggest you sue the state, city and school district that you attended elementary school in, because everyone I know (even in KY where the education sucks) learned division in like 2nd grade. So hears what you do. If your Cheeseburger cost 9.50, then you round up to 10.00. If your Chicken Nachos cost 12. 75 then you round up to 13.00. If you your Diet Pepsi (and god knows you need Diet Pepsi) costs 2.76 then you round up to 3.00. So then you add all that together so let me see, 10.00+13.00+3.00=26.00. So then you add a couple of more dollars on for the tax. Let’s say 3.00. That makes 29.00. And then you add 6.00 for the tip. So when the waiter comes by you tell him you need 29.00 put on your credit card. Now really how difficult was that.

5. Ask for water for the table. I have been doing this for a long time. And I have never seen a party of six where everyone actually wants water. In fact it’s probably only the person who orders it that wants it. And if you/they aren’t going to drink it, don’t ask for it. It’s a waste of my time and it’s a waste of resources. Think of all the money spent on wasted water, the straws and then cleaning the glasses.

6. Ask for thing one at a time. If you know you need mayonnaise AND ketchup don’t wait till I’m back from the kitchen with the ketchup to ask for the mayonnaise. Don’t wait till I’ve gotten your friend another beer to get one for yourself. It’s a pain in my ass and causes me to work twice as hard for my tips as I need to. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll gladly get you that beer, but one trip is always better than three.

7. Wait till you are finished with dinner to tell me that you didn’t like the food. Or that your burger was too rare. Or that your sandwich had mayonnaise on it. If you don’t tell me when you get it, I can’t fix it. And don’t think just because you tell me at the end, you are getting it for free. If I have my way you’ll pay double for being a pain in my ass. I think I’ve said this before on here, but here’s my analogy of getting what you pay for. If you go to the Gap and buy a pair of jeans and they don’t fit, or they have a hole in them, you take them back and you exchange them. And if the second pair is also ripped or doesn’t fit you take those back and exchange them. And finally they fit. But you DIDN’T get them for free. Why should you get your food free. I’ll gladly have them recook the burger. Or make you a sandwich without mayonnaise. And if you didn’t like it and wait till you’ve eaten every bite to tell me, at that point I won’t care if you tip or not, but you WILL NOT get the food for free.

8. Sit down for dinner at 7:25 when you have theatre tickets for 8:00. I can guarantee you that you WILL NOT make the curtain. In fact I can almost guarantee that you won’t even have your food by 8:00. Especially since you thought it was cute to let your five year old take 20 minutes to decided whether he wanted chicken tenders or the New York Strip. If you really want to be out in 30 minutes or less, I have two options for you. I can get you french fries. But even better, try McDonald’s on 42nd Street. It’s called fast food for a reason.

9. Order your drink/food, let me put it into the computer and then tell me you want to change it. If you didn’t know what you wanted you should have taken a little more time to figure it out. Especially with alcohol. When I put my drinks into the computer it takes the bartender about 20 seconds till he starts to make my drinks. This is because they like me and I tip a lot. So by the time I run by your table 45 seconds later your White Russian is sitting on the bar waiting for me. So yes, it’s too late to change it to a Long Island Tea. Sorry.

10. Let your precocious children take 45 minutes to order. I spent 10 minutes at a table today explaining to a six year old which drinks got free refills. Yes,  Mt. Dew gets a free refill. No milk does not get a free refill. Yes, Diet Pepsi refills are free. Yes, you WILL have to pay for refills of Apple Juice. Yes, Sierra Mist gets free refills. No you will not get a new straw every time. I’ve already told you that you don’t get free refills on milk. If you ask me one more question I’m going to drop kick you into the kitchen where I’ll stab you with a steak knife. And yes, that will be free.

I wrote this post last night.

Here are five more things that annoyed me tonight.

11. Ask for separate checks. And then pay with your company’s corporate card. And then tip me 10%. What the fuck. How does it cost you to tip at least 15%. Your company’s paying. How would you like it if your boss told you he was only paying you 10% of your bonus, well because he wanted to. I’m tempted the next time this happens to write down the company name, the names of the offenders and then write a scathing letter to the CEO.

12. Ask for something free. Where else in the regular world do you think it’s okay to ask for things for free.  For example:  the “flair” on my shirt, the glasses that we serve, the apron that I’m wearing,  free shots,  free refills of your beer, free ice cream,  free sandwiches,  free…you get my point. It annoys your waiter when you do this. I’ll fucking sell you my apron, for fifty dollars. You want it– you pay. You want one of the buttons on my shirt, I’ll give it to you for twenty. Those free shots, sorry dude. See my Gap analogy above. You wouldn’t walk into Home Depot and ask for a free box of nails.

13. Get pissed at me because of something completely out of my control. For example. The fifty trillion million dollar computer system goes down and you have to wait an extra ten minutes for your check. Don’t yell at me. Don’t ask me to take the gratuity off your check. And don’t say mean things about me when I’m gone but my fellow servers can hear. It’s not nice. And it’s not my fault. I hate the fucking computer system as much as you do. But don’t not tip me because of it.

14. Sit at a dirty table and then get pissed because I don’t rush over to clean it. It was your choice to sit there. You could have waited. You could have left your ass on the waiting list and been sat an hour from now. But no, you’re anxious to get in and get some food. Well that’s just fine, but your going to have to wait till I get to the table. And then, when I get there, I’m not going to be interested in talking to you just yet. I’ll be too busy trying not to dump ranch dressing in your lap as I pick up the dishes.

15. Be Canadian. Ugh!!! I have yet to be tipped even 15% from a Canadian table. Tonight I carded three guys and the minute they pulled out their ID’s I knew I was fucked. But as per my post several nights ago, I committed myself to giving them the best service I could. So I joked around with them, kept their drinks full and what do you know. I got seven bucks on my ninety-eight dollar check. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. In case you didn’t hear me. Fuck you.

Fuck you!

Dining Out 101

More tips to make everyone’s dining experience more enjoyable.  And by everyone I mean the waiter.

A waiter deals in real estate.  Just like my landlord who has 25 apartments in my building and collects rent on all of them.  He is happy when the rent is paid in full and is on time.  He gets a little snippy if the rent is paid late.  He gets even more snippy if it’s not paid in full.  And there nothing worse than a tenant who refuses to pay at all.

Such is the life of a waiter.

A typical waiter gets anywhere from three to four tables in their section.  This varies from restaurant to restaurant.  Corporate restaurants are more strict about this.  Mom and pop places will sometimes give the waiter seven or eight tables.  Fine dining restaurants often give you more because there are 75 people waiting on the table.  In my world I either get four tables or three tables and a bar rail with ten chairs.  The ten chairs can be sat in any configuration from one party of 10.  Five parties of 2.  Ten parties of 1  etc.  etc.  And the faster I get people in get them waited on, and get them out the door the more money that I will make.

I work in a restaurant that is considered “slinging hash.”  It means it’s far from fine dining.  It’s the equivalence of Bennigan’s or Applebee’s.  We do what we call turn and burn.  Our goal is to get people in and out in 45 minutes or less.  60 minutes is pushing it.  Any thing over 75 minutes is not good.  You are right.  No one wants to be rushed out the door.  But think about it.  When was the last time you went to Applebees and wanted to sit there and enjoy the atmosphere.  If you said every time you go, you really need to re-evaluate your dining experiences.

And this is where today’s lesson comes in.

As I have said my tables are real estate.  The minute I stop selling food or alcohol I stop making money for myself.  So when a table stops ordering, or begins to do what we in the business call “camping” then  I stop making money.  For example here’s what happened tonight.

A party of two were sat at table 71.  They were very nice Midwesterners.  The gentleman was actually quite cute which is why I picked him to sit in my section to begin with.  I got them their orders.  Which was two waters and two Cobb salads.  There entire check maybe came to 28.00.   After I had cleared the table I offered them dessert and they declined.  And so I dropped the check.  And they continued to sit there.  And sit there.  And sit there.  45 minutes later they were still sitting there.  The bussers had cleared everything off the table.  Finally they paid their check.  And tipped a very generous 20%.  And then they continued to sit.  And sit.  And sit.  In all they were at my table for almost two and a half hours.  Which is the equivalence of 2+ turns of the table.  And they left me 6 bucks.  Yes it was 20%.

But it was not enough.

The minute you decide to camp, you need to realize that the waiter is not making money.  And therefore you need to tip extra.  And if you really want to be nice.  Leave the tip before you leave the table.  It cuts down on the stress of the waiter.  For more than 60 minutes I was completely annoyed by table 71.  I was anxious they would never leave.  I was anxious they would ask for more water.  I was just anxious.

I can’t tell you how much extra to leave.  I really think it depends on the restaurant and how long you sit.  I’ve been known to throw the waiter an extra 20 bucks because we took the up the table for a long time.  I was also nice enough to tell them they were getting extra up front.  Just imagine if someone came to your place of business and completely occupied your time and because of that you didn’t get paid.  You’d completely understand what I’m talking about.

And NO restaurant will allow you to ask them to leave.  You must wait till they are ready to go.  The worst case of this I experienced was years ago. A table of four was sat right at the beginning of my shift.  At closing they were asked to leave.  I didn’t get any extra money and they cost me a lot of money.

So enough lecturing.

I will end with this.  I think the minute you leave junior high school you are too old to make out in public.  Especially in a family restaurant.  No one wants to see you tonguing your girl friend.  No one wants to see you groping her.  No one wants to see you lying on top of each other.  I’m happy that you are in love.  I’m happy that you are going to get laid tonight.  But please, please wait till you get home to start the foreplay.  You will make everyone around you happy.  Including me.

Dining Out 101

So last night I wrote a rather long post.  I went on and on and on.  And about 3/4 of the way through it I realized it was a second post.  So I cut and pasted the end of the post into a new entry and finished up the original post.  So tonight I bring you part 2 of yesterday’s post.

It deals with the bad survey that I got last week, from the little man who was pissed that their wasn’t enough meat on his fajita and that it was over-cooked.  He also commented that I was unable to recommend a drink.  Which is a stupid statement.  I recommend drinks all night.  I might not have suggested something when I greeted the table but if you have questions or want suggestions I’m full of anwers.  Anyway  this is what I have to say about that.

The interesting thing about the survey guy is that I remember him. As a waiter I won’t remember much about you until I know what you had to eat. Then it all comes back to me. I remember the guy. He was at table 66 ordered a Diet Pepsi and steak fajitas. I kept his drink full and checked back on him a number of times after he got his food. When his frequent flyer card didn’t work, I told him how to go on line to get credit for the meal he was eating. And he paid the check and tipped okay.

So here’s the point. If you are unhappy with your food. There’s absolutely nothing that can be done about it two weeks later. I can’t get you a new one. I can’t get you something else. Basically there’s little I can do for you. SO, if you get a fajita that you think is over-cooked. Be nice about it. But send it back. If your steak isn’t cooked the way you requested. Be nice about it. But ask for it to be recooked. If you asked for no mayonaise on your club sandwich, be nice about it, but send it back. Do you see a theme here. BE NICE. The last thing you want to be is a dick. But also remember you are paying. You should get what you want. If you went to the GAP and bought a pair of jeans and they didn’t fit you would return them. Dining out is the same way. You are paying, sometimes a lot to get a good meal. You deserve to get what you are paying for. So politely call the waiter over alert them to the problem. (Don’t always assume it’s the waiter’s fault either. I could do a million posts on how the kitchen fucks up my orders every day.) Then politely ask if you could get something else. A new one. A different one. What every will make you happy. And then realize that if you want something new, it won’t magically materialize. The kitchen will have to make it for you. So it might be 15 minutes or so before you get it. But you will get the new one.

As a waiter I tell every table that it’s my job to fetch them things. It’s not my job to run for them, but it is my job to bring them what they want. And it’s my job to make sure their experience while at my restaurant is the best it can be. So if they are unhappy I will bend over backwards to make that not the case. I’ll do anything within my power to change the circumstances.

A couple of things to remember when something isn’t the way you like it.

1. Don’t eat the entire steak except for two bites and then try to send it back. At that point it’s your’s.

2. Don’t expect it for free just because you sent it back to the kitchen. If your GAP jeans don’t fit, you don’t get the next pair for free, so why would you get your hamburger for free.

3. Never ever yell at the waiter about it. It won’t help and could even make things worse.

4. Don’t decide not to tip the waiter because you coffee was cold, or your burger was rare. Once again it’s probably not their fault.

5. Never, ever, yell at the waiter no matter how annoyed you are. Just ask yourself how you would like it if someone came to your work place and started to scream at you.

6. When the manager stops by to see how the new item is…tell them the truth. But also mention how the server went out of their way to fix the problem.

7. Remember it’s only a meal. You eat three of those a day. Twenty-one a week. Seven thousand, six hundred and sixty-five a year. Is it really worth the stress and aggravation. Really? Is it?

8. And if by chance you get one of those rare servers who gives you attitude after you have been nice and POLITE, did I mention polite. Well then, ask to see the manager and tell them whats going on. Don’t just NOT tip. If you just don’t tip, it won’t fix the problem and if it were me I’d just think you didn’t tip because you were some ass from Ithaca, Ireland, Italy, or Indianapolis. Or what ever foreign country you are from.

Happy Dining everyone.