I sent my snarky email. And I got a response at 6:09 tonight. I received an attempt at the drawings of the shows. I say an attempt because they really don’t contain much more information than I already knew. There are no dimensions. No labels. No lineset schedule. No trims. Not much of anything. I’m going to bed right after I post this but tomorrow I’m going to make a list of everything that I don’t know and I’m going to put that into an email and send it off. At the rate I’m going I’ll have all the information sometime around August 15th. Of course the shows will have closed by then.

I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow about my ankle. Everyone please say a little prayer that they take this five pound wool sock off my leg tomorrow. I’m just about over it. I want to be able to walk again. I want to stop having to ask for help. I want to do all the errands I need to do before I leave on Tuesday. I want to go for a walk. I want to go to the real movies. I want to do a lot of things that I haven’t been able to do for the past three weeks. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very thankful the break wasn’t more serious than it was. I’m grateful that I don’t have to have surgery or that it’s not permanent. But at the same time. I’m done. Let’s cut the cast off and be done with it.

Next week I start my trip. Many of you know where I’m going. I haven’t made a secret of it. However, last summer someone found my blog that knew the artistic director of the theatre and the shows that I was doing. Not only that, he was friends with him. Whoops. I know I have to be careful about those things but sometimes you live in a bubble that you really are anonymous. So this year I’m going to be a little different. You’ll see what I mean next week. I’m going to take you on a little journey that everyone should enjoy. Just remember to pack lightly and bring lots of Diet Coke. And perhaps a beer or two.

I’m at a complete loss of what to write tonight.  I’ve been working on the posts that I’m going to be doing next week, and that’s taken so long I haven’t had the chance to figure out what I’m going to post tonight.

Maybe I’ll bitch for a moment.  When in doubt complaining is always a good way to go.

My designs for the first three shows I’m designing this summer are due in 12 days on May 26th.  The due date is actually almost two weeks later than it was originally requested.  I was asked to turn them in on Friday, May 16th.  I laughed and asked them to set a date that was a little more realistic.  The due date is set by the IATSE crew that I will be working with.  I’ve worked with IATSE crews in Kentucky, Ohio, San Diego, New York, and Oklahoma.  By far the worst and most incompetent crew ever, even worse than the 14 year olds I used to work with, is the crew in Oklahoma.  They are simply miserable human beings and they get out of bed in the morning and get excited for the day by knowing they’ll make everyone around them miserable.  I knew they were bad before I got there last year, but the preparation I had, wasn’t even close to what I got.  They were jerks, asshole, lazy and just stupid.  Their work ethic is unlike any I’ve ever seen and it’s amazing to me that no one has been killed or seriously injured because of their work.

So the head guy, we’ll call him John.  Is actually a nice guy and is okay.  But just like in all situations, the boss sits in the big office upstairs and his minions do the work for him.  This year our go to guy, we’ll call him Buddy, is one of the biggest asses I’ve ever met.  He spoke to me once last year and I told our guy that he was to keep Buddy away from me or else I was leaving.  He must of done something because Buddy never approached me again.  So Buddy is the one who set this date for my plot to be due.  I personally think he pulled the date out of his ass, but that’s just my opinion.  The point is, I kind of have to play by their rules.

So my plot is due on May 26th.  Which is a holiday of course, and god knows they won’t be working on a national holiday.  To do my plans I have to have to know what the scenery looks like.  I have to know what the decking looks like.  Is it all one level?  Is it multiple levels?  Is it raked (slopes up)?  If it is multiple levels, how tall are the levels?  What color is the floor?  Is it painted?  It is black?  Is it red?  And that’s just the floor.  I then have to know about the vertical scenery.  Are there curtains?  Are there walls?  Are there panels?  Are there trees?  Are their pirate ships?  Are there pyramids?  Are there big cows?  Are there giant books?  Are there pie shops?  Are there columns?  Are there ________________?  Are there __________________? You get the point I need to know this stuff.

So for me to get to work, I need to know all of this information.  Not only do I need to know this information but I need to have technical drawings of all of these things so that I can know how big, where they hang, the texutre, the thickness, etc.  These are all things I must know to light the scenery effectively.  And this is all just to light the scenery.  We haven’t even started to light the actors yet.

I put all of this information together and then start figuring out where all the lights go.  On a Broadway show, this might take a month or more, just to figure out where all the lights go.  Smaller shows of course take less time, but as with anything the more time you have the better.  And once you have all of this figured out, it then takes several more days to get it drafted in the computer, proof it ten times and get it mailed off to the theatre.  And this leads me to my point.

My design/drawings are due on May 26th.  12 days from right now.  And guess how much of the information that I need that I have?  Yeap, you are right.  Absolutely none of it.  Nada.  Zip.  Nothing.  I’ve been asking for the drawings of the scenery for more than two weeks, to no avail.  No one seems to care.  No one seems to be doing anything about it.  Of course a couple of days ago I found out what the problem was.  Seems the scenery designer has not committed any of the plans to paper.  She kind of know what they look like.  And she’s described it to the director.  But that’s as far as it’s gotten.  As of today, no one has seen any of the plans that they need.  And I’m not the only one waiting.  The stage manager needs the plans so she can tape out the floor so the director knows where the actors can stand.  The tech director needs the plans so he might…you know…build the fucking set.

It’s insane that there are no drawings.  I mean everyone gets behind but her drawings were due more than a month ago.  It’s also amazing to me that she teaches scenery design at the local university.  How the fuck does she expect her students to turn in their work in a timely manner when they know she doesn’t?  And yet she’s tenured and I can’t get a teaching job.  What kind of justice is that?

So I’m sending a snarky email tomorrow.  Let me know if it’s too snarky.

Hi all,

I’m a little concerned that I have not received any of the scenery drawings for this year’s shows.  My plot is due in 12 days and as of yet I have been unable to start it.  I’m worried that if I don’t get them soon I’m going to be unable to meet the deadline (almost two weeks before we load-in) that has been set by the crew.  It is already a challenge to deal with them and they are not the most understanding, so to start the season off by “pissing” them off is probably not the best idea.

That being said, I need to get the drawings.  I need Vectorworks or AutoCad drawings  just to get started figuring out what the season is going to look like.  I need a full ground plan, that details the basics as well as the different configurations for each show.  I know that there is a large disc center stage, but I don’t know it’s size or location.  I also understand that it breaks apart and moves.  I need each location it moves to, and it would be nice to know when.  I also need a full set of elevation drawings to know what the vertical scenery looks like and exactly where it hangs.  I can wait to choose color but the sooner I know the color palette the better.

I’m also concerned there have been no discussions to the lineset schedule and my lighting needs. I’ve discovered that the lineset schedule that the theatre provides is not consistent with the drawings they have provided.

My needs are as follows:

Electric #1    Lineset #9
Electric #2    Lineset #15
Electric #3    Lineset #20
Electric #4    Lineset #27
Electric #5    Lineset #33
Electric #7    Lineset #55

I also need space between #5 and #7 for at least one electric if not two, depending on how far upstage we are playing and what the set looks like.

I also need to know masking placement.  The masking has changed over the last couple of years so I need to know placement of legs and trim on borders.

I also need to know if there is room to add 3 booms each side of the stage just upstage of the legs.  I did this last year and it was a huge benefit to the design.  A problem I ran into last year was that I didn’t know that there were large pieces of scenery that traveled on and off stage and there needed to be room to store these things off stage.

I also understand that there are  step ladders in the third show.  I need to know how tall these ladders are, where they are positioned on the stage and if they move.  Last year’s last show was a challenge because I had to light up to down stage on three levels.  It’s possible to do this, but I need to know while in the design process.

I need to know if we are using the cyc for all three shows and if not then what shows we are using the blackout drop for.

I’ve discussed with the director the possible need for a moon box that can be used perhaps in all three shows but definitely in third show.  However, I need to know if it fits with the scope of the design and then how we make it work and look real.

I need to know if the special effects in the third show are done by lighting.  If not are they sound effects or pyrotechnics, etc.  If it’s my responsibility then I need to know that while figuring out the plot.

These are all the things that I need just to get started.  In 12 days I need to figure out what the scenery is, how each show relates to it.  I also need to figure out the lighting for the space, the lighting for the scenery and the needs for each show based on conversations I’ve had with the director.  And then the fun part, I need to draft the show, proof it, and be ready to send it to the theatre along with all the Lightwright by May 26th.  At a minimum my design proces usually takes two weeks and that’s rushing it.  Anything less than two weeks start to infringe upon my ability to provide an ample design, let alone try to create shows that are interesting and creative.

I would appreciate it if I could get the drawings as soon as possible.  I need to get started on this project VERY soon if I’m to meet my deadline and have a design that I can be proud of.

Thanks for your attention,

Maddog

This is the letter.  I personally don’t think it’s too snarky but I’ve been told that my idea of snarky and a realistic version of snarky are very different.  The issue is that I am trying to make a point.  They have to provide this information so that I can do my job.  And if they wait too much longer it’s going to be a disaster.  Even if I don’t sit down and actually start using my pencil tomorrow, I need time to think, time to digest what I need.  And don’t forget, I’m supposed to be creating art.  There’s nothing worse than creating art on someone else deadline for people that won’t tell you what they want or what color it’s supposed to be.

And that’s my complaining for the day.  Let me know what you think.

My friend RJ called today. We’ve been playing phone tag for several months. Actually he plays calls me and I don’t call him back. I was actually told not to. Many years ago RJ and I had a very brief fling. It never went anywhere and he finally put an end to it. And why did it end. Because he was afraid his wife was going to find out. I’m still amazed sometimes at the stupid things I did in my youth. It also didn’t help that I knew his wife and he was one of my professors. Whoops the story thickens. I’ve talked to RJ many times and he even helped tremendously in getting me into grad school. I even went to visit he and his wife about 7 or 8 years ago with my friend Michelle.

Last summer I got a call from RJ and after about three seconds he told me that he’d finally come out to his wife. He sounded awful. He then went on to tell me how miserable he was and what it was doing to his family. More than anything I think I was the one gay person he knew well enough to talk to about this. It also helped that I already knew his secret and wasn’t going to be shocked. He and is wife have been married for 25 years, and I’ve known them for 25 years. So RJ and I had a long talk and I helped as much as I could and ended the call telling him to call me day or night if he needed to talk. We chatted a couple of times after that and then the last time I called he told me he would call me back. Instead I got an email telling me not to call anymore because it made him nervous when I called and his wife was around.

So I didn’t call again. He’s called me a couple of times in the past year. Always when I was busy so I missed the calls. I emailed him a week or so ago to say hello and see how he was doing and he called today. And we chatted for about 30 minutes. Mostly we talked about our professional lives. We didn’t discuss the elephant in the room. But that’s okay. He’s a great guy and I love talking to him. It actually pains me to see him struggling the way he is. In one of our early conversations he told me he felt like he’d wasted his gay life. He felt that he was too old to come out of the closet and be gay. I assured him that he was not the only one in the predicament and that he was not the first person his age to come out of the closet. I don’t think it helped.

So we chatted today. And discussed our lives. And ignored the elephant. And it was nice. I really wish I knew what to tell him. But I don’t. I don’t think anyone has the answer for him.

Where in the world is Maddog?

Today was a much better day.  I realized today what the problem has been when I’ve been so miserable.

First I don’t sleep well.

On Friday night I couldn’t sleep at all.  I turned off the light at around 3:00 a.m.  At 6:30 I was still waiting to fall asleep.  Finally I said what the fuck and got up.  I was still sitting at my computer when my roommate got up around 7:30 or so.  I still wasn’t sleepy.  We got comfortable in the living room and chatted for an hour or so.  At around 8:30 or so I finally gave up and went back to bed.  I probably fell asleep around 9:00 a.m.  And slept soundly till around 1:30.  I got a phone call that I had to take, which required me to get out of bed and send an email.  I immediately went back to bed and fell asleep, and what seemed like minutes later some sort of political parade went down my street.  And this continued for I think 12 hours.  I kept waking up and it was still going on.  I finally got up around 6:00 p.m.,  and I was anything but rested.  And I started my day tired at 6:00 p.m.

And second, I don’t shower.  It’s such a pain in my ass to get in the shower/bath.  I have to get the foot condom on, and hobble to the shower.  Undressing is it’s own challenge because I have trouble getting my jeans/pants off and on over my cast.  And then the fun part.  Getting into the tub/shower.  I have to sit on the toilet and then put my my good foot in the shower.  Then I have to hoist myself into the tub without putting any weight on my broken ankle.  This is made more difficult because our tub is shorter than a normal tub and the part against the wall doesn’t have an edge it’s flat with the tile.  So getting in without falling is a bit of a trick.  The first time I tried this I slipped, and landed on the broken ankle and spent the next five minutes sitting on the side of the tub with my ankle throbbing.  Since then I’ve done this with major trepidation and thus I don’t do it everyday.

And so when I’m tired and not showered I end up cranky as hell.  Which makes me miserable.  And then I’m unable to find the good in anything, and I convince myself that I’m going to be stuck in this cast for the rest of my life.

Today was a great day.  I got a great night’s sleep.  I woke up early –for me. (11:00 a.m.).  I had coffee.  I showered.  I talked to friends on the phone.  And I enjoyed my day.  One of the highlights of the day was the number of people who called and wanted to get together this week.  I have three friends coming over for lunch/beer tomorrow.  I have another friend coming over tomorrow afternoon/night.  I have friends from work coming over Wednesday night.  I have a doctor’s appointment on Thursday and I’m trying to get an appointment with my head doctor for the same day.  I have to go back work on Thurday to discuss when I’m coming back to work. (August 1).  And then I’m meeting a friend from work for dinner Thursday night.  Suddenly my week doesn’t feel  as constricting as it did.  I just have to get through the next four days and hope that this fucking cast comes off then.

And the best thing that happened today…my roommate made dinner.  It was pasta with sauteed vegetables and garlic bread.  It was the best meal I’ve had in two weeks.  It wasn’t Chinese and it wasn’t from the diner.  It was a real meal, not eaten out of a plastic container and it was great.  It definitely an improvement over the past two weeks.

I’m going bat shit crazy.  I haven’t been out of my apartment in 11 days.  I don’t know how much longer I can take this.  I feel like Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

My roommate’s going to come home one day and find me typing on my keyboard over and over again…

All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy.

And then a couple of days later, I’ll start seeing little girls at the end of the hall.  (Well if we had a hall).

And then I’ll try to kill him with an axe.  (I just typed ex.  I’m going to kill him with one of my ex-boyfriends).

And then I’ll freeze to death outside in the maze — if it’s the movie.

If it’s the book, the apartment will blow up, because I haven’t checked the boiler in a week.

Either way the pain and suffering will be over.

All kidding aside,  It’s getting a little old.  It wouldn’t be so bad if I actually lived in a neighborhood where there are things to do.  But there are no coffee shops.  No bookstores.  No movies.  No restaurants.  There absolutely no places I want to go in my neighborhood.  And it’s such a pain to navigate the subway, the stairs, etc. on crutches that it’s just not worth it.  And thus I’ve been here.  For 11 days.  Without going out.  Eating the same food everyday.  Being miserable.  And if I have to watch one more minute of TV or look at one more website I’m going to scream.  AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!

I keep telling myself that it’s only till Thurday.  I have an appointment on Thursday with the orthopedist and I”m praying that he takes this fucking thing off my foot.  And even if it has to stay on, I want him to put a new one on.  Let me take this one off and wash my leg and then put a clean one on.  I just want to walk again.

And this is why I think my trip to the midwest is going to happend a little sooner than I though.  The problem with NYC is that it’s a pedestrian city.  You walk everywhere.  And if you don’t walk, you take a cab where you need to go.  Which gets expensive.  The other problem here is that I live on the northern tip on Manhattan.  Which is about three states from midtown.  You need a passport to get here.  So it’s hard to convince any of my friends to venture up to see me.  For them to get here from Brooklyn or Queens is more than an hour.  So I see no one, I go no where, and I’m here all day everyday by myself.  And what about my roommate you ask?  He’s here some.  But he has a job, and a social life, and errands and stuff so it’s not like I can chain in to the chair and make him sit here with me.  Thus my stir craziness.  And my need to get the ax out and do some damage.  So the thing is, if I go on to OK then I at least will be around other people.  And I’ll have people to drive me places like, coffee shops, movies, bookstores, and restaurants.  And I’ll have people to watch TV (once again, why is this capitalized?) and I won’t go so bat shit crazy.  So I’m considering doing this.  I’m going to call on Monday to find out how much it will cost to change the ticket.  In the meantime…

Everyone say a little prayer that this fucking cast comes off on Thursday.

My mother loved her computer.  She told me the guy who delivered it kept asking if she was okay because she was all choked up.  Of course she yelled at me for buying it, but I knew she would.  I did tell her that she had five minutes to get all of the old stuff out of her house.  It has to go.  The two computers, the two printers, the two monitors, the cables…everything.  It has to go.  My mother is a pack rat of the most serious kind.  She doesn’t throw anything away for fear it might be useful one day.  But I told her the only condition of the gift was all the other stuff had to go.

And now on for more amusing things.  I spend a lot of time watching TV these days.  And I spend a lot of time on the Internet.  TV.  Internet.  TV.  Internet.  (Does anyone know why these words get capitalized?  Just curious.)

Did anyone know that you could order in boys?  Yeap.  You can go online, write a profile, wait for someone to find you interesting,  invite them over and then get into all sorts of trouble.  I didn’t know this.  Believe or not I haven’t done anything like this since 1901.  Seriously, it was probably 2001 the last time I did this.  In NYC it’s quicker to just go out and get it.   When you go out there are no endless emails back and forth.  No fuzzy pictures.  No hot men with 12″ dicks showing up at your house weighing 310 with a 4″ penis.  Nope.  In NYC it’s more efficient to do your shopping in the store.

But let’s just say that your ankle is broken.  And you are bored at home.  And you are kind of going stir crazy.  Perhaps then, and only then would you actually try shopping on line.  And so for the past few days I’ve tried this.  I’ve discovered a few things and want to point out a few things.

1.  Is it really possible that only people under the age of 35 have sex in NYC?

2.  Does every man in NYC have a worked out body with six pack abs?

3. Does every man in NYC have an 8.5 thick uncut cock?  If this is true I’ve been looking in all the wrong places all this time.

4.  By the way:  I’m not Latino, a bro, a thug, a nigga, I’m not KOOL, or kewl, i’m not down wit dis, o up wit dat.   I’m just saying.

5.  Does every gay man in NYC weigh 182 with a 32 inch waist with a swimmer’s body?

6. Not everyone lives in the WV, EV, UWS, LES, FD, WS, PS, BX, or UES.

7. Not everyone will PNP or BB.  Nor do they ski.  (For any novices out there that means…Party-n-Play, Bareback or do coke.  I had to ask what the last one was because I’m too old to know.)

8.  Do people really think that it’s all about the cock shot.  Not speaking for anyone else but a clear face shot of a cute boy goes a lot further than the picture of his 8.5 thick uncut cock.

9.  I find it interesting today that the one site I was on which asks your status, only has one person who is positive out of the 150 on the site.  Am I to believe that men who are positive don’t cruise for sex.  Or should I believe no one’s owning up to it.

10.  The fact that you have an HIV test from 04.26.08 that says you are negative, is only true if you haven’t had sex in the six months prior to the test.  And it still won’t keep me from playing safe.

11.  Don’t tell me you are DDF (drug and disease free) if you let men cum in your mouth.  You might be.  You might not be.

12.  I’m sure someone thinks your pictures in women’s underwear are hot.  But it’s not me.

13.  I don’t know how to break this to you.  But if you are sucking dick, getting sucked, fucking or getting fucked BY A MAN…YOU ARE GAY!!!!  At the least you are BI.  It is impossible for you to be straight if you like doing these things.

14.  If you list in you profile that you don’t do drugs with the the comment 420/Poppers okay.  Perhaps you haven’t realized they’re  drugs.

15.  No one really believes that it’s your first time being fucked and you’ve decided that it should be a complete stranger you’ve met online.  It’s probably the 5th time you’ve been fucked today.

16.  I’m not generous.  I can be generous, for instance I bought my mom a computer for Mother’s Day.  I won’t be generous to you.  I won’t give you 20 bucks to touch your cock.  I won’t give you 50 to suck it.  I won’t give you 75 to let you trim my hair.  I won’t pay a 125 for an in call massage.  I won’t pay 175 for an out call massage.  And I won’t pay 200+ for whatever else that gets you.  I may be old and overweight, but I refuse to pay for it….yet.

17.  I don’t care that you are on the DL (down low) if you don’t send me a picture we aren’t going to play.  What do you think I’m going to do.  Come and find your girl friend and show her a picture of your face?  Really?

18.  You don’t go to hook up websites to meet your next boyfriend.  So if you are on Manhunt with a screen name of hungnhornytop with a picture of your 8.5 thick uncut cock.  You are probably not looking for a date.

19.  Changing your screen name from yesterday doesn’t mean I don’t remember the photograph especially since it’s you modeling your 8.5 thick uncut cock.

20.  And last but not least.  Get off your pretentious high horse.  We are both on the same site.  Doing the same thing.  Don’t think you are better than me and definitely lose the attitude.  If you are not interested in someone be polite and say so.  But don’t think just because you have an 8.5 thick uncut cock that you are the end all be all.  You will someday be over 35, and you’ll lose your six pack, and someone with a real measuring tape will show you that your 8.5 thick uncut cock is 6.5 inches and was circumcized when you were born because you’re Jewish, not Latino.

It’s fun learning new things when you are stuck at home.

Below is an ad I found on Craigslist today in the NYC>m4m>manhattan site today.  Trust me this is completely safe for work unless the oysters are bad.

It’s verbatim.  I cut and pasted it into the post.

Oysters on the Half Shell - 32 - (Chelsea) pic

24 oysters, such as Malpeque, Kumamoto, or Belon
Crushed ice or rock salt
Cucumber Mignonette Sauce, recipe follows

Scrub the oysters under cold water with a stiff brush to remove the dirt, especially in the hinge area where mud has a tendency to get trapped. Next, find a durable thick cloth and fold it over several times to create a square; this will steady the oysters as you shuck them and also protect your hand. Using the towel as a mitt, place the oyster, cup-side down in the palm of your towel-covered hand with the hinge facing you; have a small bowl handy to catch the delicious juice. Insert the tip of an oyster knife or dull butter knife as far into the hinge as it will go; don’t jab it in there or you could break the shell. With gentle force, twist the knife back and forth to pry the shell open. Using the knife, cut the muscle away from the top shell, bend the shell back, and discard it. Run the knife underneath the oyster to detach it completely, but leave it in its shell. Tip out the briny liquor into the bowl and pour it back over the shucked oysters. Nestle the oysters in a bed of crushed ice or rock salt to keep them steady. Spoon the cucumber mignonette on top and serve as part of a raw shellfish bar.

Cucumber Mignonette Sauce:
1 cup rice wine vinegar
1 shallot, minced
1-inch piece fresh ginger, peeled and grated
1/2 hothouse cucumber, peeled and minced
Several turns freshly ground black pepper
1 handful fresh cilantro leaves, chopped

In a small bowl, combine the rice wine vinegar, shallots, ginger, cucumber, black pepper, and cilantro; mixing with a fork. Cover and chill for at least 1 hour or up to the day before you plan to serve, to allow the flavors to come together. Serve with raw oysters and clams.
Yield: 1 cup

I don’t know if the guy posted the recipe in the wrong section, if he was being funny, or if he’s completely insane.  I do know that I cut and pasted it onto my computer to show you.  About an hour later there was a recipe for corn, but I didn’t think that was as funny.

Tomorrow I’ll post a picture of my 8.5 thick uncut cock.

With any luck my mom’s computer will be delivered tomorrow. Unfortunately she leaves early on Fridays so she might miss it. She’s going to flip out when she sees it. Today she actually called about getting real internet at her house. With any luck she’ll move out of the 1990’s any day now. She was very excited to find out that if she bundles her cable, phone, and internet together it’s only about 15 dollars more than she already pays. I did tell her to make sure that this wasn’t just a one year deal and that it was the permanent price. And more importantly, when I go to visit her this summer I’ll be able to keep you updated as to all the fun I’m having.

Speaking of computers. I ordered my mom’s computer from Dell. I would have gotten her an Apple but I was completely convinced that she’d never be able to figure out how to use it. Yes, I know it’s easier than a PC but she’s already figured that out and it took my brother months for her to understand what little she knows. And so last Saturday I called up Dell, talked to the sales rep “Melinda” and discussed what I needed. I decided after talking to her, what I needed and placed the order. Start to finish it was probably close to an hour. When we were done I felt great about doing this for my mom and just knew that she would be excited.

When I ordered the computer I used my mom’s home address for the shipping address. I didn’t even think about the fact that she wouldn’t be there. After some consideration and after talking to a couple of people, I decided to change the shipping address to my mom’s office. I lied to her to get the address(I’ve been lying to her a lot this week).

So I called up Dell on Sunday night to change the address and boy was I in for a surprise.

Seems once you place an order with them nothing can be changed. Not the product. Not the extras. Not the address. It simply cannot be done. I was sort of taken aback. How can you not change something. It’s been less than 24 hours, it’s on the weekend, and it’s sure as hell not been possible to actually get the thing in the mail. I don’t know the name of the woman that I was talking to but she was snippy and didn’t like my tone. I was being pretend nice. Which is over exaggerating everything I said. She explained again and again that I couldn’t do it. So I asked to speak to a supervisor. She told me that she would check to see if one was available. I told her I would hold. She came back and told me that the only one available was on another call couldn’t speak to me. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. I told her that I would hold. She told me that I couldn’t speak to her. This went on for while. My roommate was laughing just at my end of the conversation. She finally told me that she could give me a number, I could call to speak to a manager. I jotted the number down.

So my one and only last question to this woman was, “Can I cancel my order.” She told me she would check. She came back on the line and said “Yes I could cancel the order.”

I got off the phone and immediately dialed the number to register the complaint. It was a Dell recording. I don’t even remember what it said. I do know that it was just a recording and it disconnected me at the end of it. It certainly wasn’t a number to register a complaint.

So I was a little pissed. I was a little annoyed. My roommate told me that I was probably more annoyed with my foot than I was with the lady on the phone. He probably was right. But I stopped watching TV and I sat down and wrote a snarky email…

Melinda,

I called today to try and change the shipping address of the computer system I am buying. I realized that since my mom works during the day that I should probably have the system sent to her office. I’m doing this because the last time I bought a Dell product it was left on the doorstep for anyone to help themselves. When I called I was told that I could NOT change the address. Seems that once I’ve ordered the computer nothing can be changed. I find this a little annoying. It has been less that 24 hours since I placed the order, and I can’t imagine that on Sunday of all days, the computer has been built, packed, shipped and is on it’s way to Kentucky. Perhaps you are able to work that fast. But it’s my guess that you do not.

What I WAS told, is that I can cancel my order. So I would like to do just that. Cancel my order AND THEN, I would like to repurchase the computer system to have it shipped to a new address. This seems a little like going around Robin Hood’s barn to get to the place I want to get to, but if that’s the way your award winning customer service is set up, so be it. Of course this only confirms what several of my friends have warned me about concerning purchasing a Dell Computer these days.

The other thing that I would like to have happen, is that I would like it all entered into the computer so that all I have to do is say yes to whatever else I need to confirm and NOT be on the phone for another 60 minutes to repurchase the computer. If this is not the case, then I will consider buying a new computer elsewhere.

I will be available all day tomorrow so please call when this request has been processed.

Thanks,

Maddog

In case you are able to just change the address it is as follows:

Phone number stays the same.

By the way, I don’t appreciate the customer service person I spoke to today not being willing to let me speak to a manager. And even more infuriating was the idea that she gave me a number that didn’t actually get me through to anyone, but instead gave me a recorded message and then disconnected me. Once again, it seems that Dell’s award winning customer service is at play.

My roommate told me I shouldn’t send a snarky email. But I was pissed. And annoyed. And I’d never let that advice stop me before. So what the hell. I proofed it a couple times and hit send.

Perhaps it’s just me, but doesn’t anyone else find it strange that I could get what I wanted by taking up almost 3 hours of their employees time and inconveniencing the hell out of me, just to change the address.

Anyone?

I do have to admit that Melinda called at exactly 9:01 the next morning, terribly afraid that I was going to cancel the order altogether. It took about 15 minutes to re-process the order and I was on my way.

Makes me think perhaps a well placed letter to Verizon might be just the thing.

By the way, I wouldn’t mind going ’round this Robin Hood’s barn.

I have been tagged for this MEME by Peter and Daniel. Which is funny because I’ve never been tagged before and now I’ve been tagged by two different people for the same MEME. They like me. They really, really like me.
1. Pick up the nearest book (at least 123 pages)
2. Turn to page 123.
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the 5th sentence.
5. Tag 5 people.

“He led her gently to the edge of the bed.”

If I only it had been me, leading him to the edge of the bed…that would have been worth writing about.

I’m supposed to tag people here. But most everyone I know has done this. So if you haven’t done this yet, you are tagged!!!

P.S. My mom’s computer shipped today, so she might actually get it before Mother’s Day. Wouldn’t that be great. Keep your fingers crossed.

P.S.S. The book was Valley of the Dolls. And after he led her to bed he did all sorts of fun things with her…

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

I’m hoping if I say it enough it will show up in Google searches and everyone else will know it as well.

And why do they suck you ask?

In July, 2006 I moved to NYC. One of the first things I did when I moved here was to change my phone number back to an NYC number. To do that they had to completely reprocess my account. I was on hold for almost an hour while they did it. In the process, I was told that I could pay an extra fee that would allow me to keep voice mail attached to my San Diego number until I had a chance to tell everyone that my number had changed. Something went wrong during the “process” and junior who was helping me, not only closed the account but erased all the voice mails that were currently on my phone. Needless to say I was a little pissed. This isn’t even important, what’s important is what happened today.

So as of July, 2006 my new phone number was a New York number, my new address was a New York address, and everyone was happy. What I didn’t know was that I still owed $96.00 on my San Diego account. They didn’t tell me this, and I never got a bill. And so today, when I called to order the phone for my aunt. Seems they couldn’t process the account because my account was in collections. Yes, I had an outstanding phone bill from Verizon Wireless that’s been reported on my credit for two years that I never knew about. And why didn’t they notify me of this. Well it seems that Verizon Wireless, California and Verizon Wireless, New York don’t speak to each other. So one hand didn’t tell the other hand what was going on. So although I’ve called them a number of times to update things on my account, get new phones, sign a new two-year contract, no one told me that I had 100 dollars in an outstanding debt.

Until today. It seems they have finally combined the West Coast with the East Coast and they have started to talk to each other. So today when I called they were actually able to see what was going on. And so I had to call the Verizon in-house collection agency to find out what was going on. Seems that when you change you account from one side of the country to another they close one account and open another. I should have gotten a new bill, which I did not. Of course the question the woman on the phone really had trouble with is why didn’t they didn’t just call me to tell me I needed to pay the bill. Seems they didn’t have my phone number.

I hope you guys find this as funny as I did. Of course I wasn’t laughing on the phone. Yes, they didn’t have my phone number. Even though they gave it to me. Even though I pay a bill for it every month. Even though, they call me every so often wanting me to update my plan or change my service or buy a new phone. Yes, they didn’t have my phone number. So what they did instead was just let it sit there, be reported to the credit agency, not being collected. And I asked her every way I knew how, exactly how stupid they have to be to not be able to let me know that I owed this money. I do have to admit she was very nice despite my snarkiness.

And so now it’s paid. And I can get my aunt’s phone. And all will be well, I guess. Except the part where it’s been reported to the credit agency. She told me she would send them a correction notice. But if it works the way that’s worked for me in the past, then I know how effective that will be.

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

VERIZON WIRELESS SUCKS!!!!

I think I must be sitting over a puddle of water, because I’ve been bitten about 15 times in the last 30 minutes by mosquitoes. My legs are two big welts that are itching like nobody’s business. I have two huge bites on my face. What I would like to do is go jump in the shower in cold water and just rinse off. But to get the foot condom on, ease myself into the tub etc…would take 30 minutes. And it’s one thing to rinse off in cold water. It’s completely different to sit in cold water. The bites do take my mind off the itching that has become my left ankle.

And that concludes my complaining for the evening.

I should mention that when I woke up on Sunday morning, whatever had happened to my cell phone had fixed itself. I turned it on and it worked as if nothing had ever happened. Needless to say, it made me very happy. I was not looking forward to schlepping downtown to spend money I don’t have on a phone. So I didn’t have to go get a phone. I said a little thank you prayer. My friend Tom seems to think the reason bad things keep happening to me is because I’ve pissed off the Baby Jeeezus. So I asked for forgiveness. And what do you know the phone worked. He’s probably on to something.

It might also be the good Karma I’ve been putting out. On Saturday I called my mom to tell her that I would not be sending flowers to her for Mother’s Day. I usually have a bouquet sent to her on Friday or Saturday before. I told her this year that I had ordered her a gift, to do something different but that it wouldn’t be in until after the day. I promised her that she would like it.

But then today when I got up, I started thinking that she deserved flowers after all. So I called the florist in Kentucky that I’ve used since the early 90’s and ordered her a big spring bouquet. I had it sent to her office so that everyone would see what a great son I was. (I’m not stupid here). Of course everyone thought it was her birthday. But she straightened them out. These were for Mother’s Day…from her son in NYC. She likes throwing that fact around..(evil grin). She said that they were beautiful and as always said that I didn’t need to do that. But I try to do what I can to make her happy and let her know that I love her.

Which is why I ordered her “real” Mother’s Day, Birthday, Christmas present in all on Saturday. I’m buying her a new desktop computer. She’ll yell at me for doing it. She tell me it’s too much. She’ll insist that I send it back. But what can she do? I’m as hard-headed as she is and don’t respond well to orders. The computer she’s been using is my old desktop that I purchased in 1999. It’s as slow as Christmas…actually it’s slower. It takes forever to open a program and then has to think about every command before it does it. It actually was fine for what she used it for until the modem went kaput. There was a bad storm in the fall and it knocked out the phone lines. When they were repaired the modem no longer worked. We think that there was some sort of power surge, etc. that might have been the culprit. She had my brother’s ex-boyfriend (yes, he’s gay too…no grandkids for mom) look at it and he said it would cost more to replace the modem than the computer was worth. My mom doesn’t use it much. She uses it to email friends and family and to send pictures to everyone. ( I got her a new Powershot Canon Digital Camera for Christmas. I have to keep reminding her that I’m the good son). She also has been organizing all of her recipes into one location so that she can find them, and they are written down so that one day we’ll be able to have them. She also plays computer games like nobodies business. She’s fucking excited as hell that Grand Theft Auto 4 has been released. Her idea of fun is shooting up some bad cops in NYC.

(I hope you know I’m kidding). Although she does play a lot of games like solitaire etc.

So in about two weeks a Dell computer will be dropped off for her. It’s being delivered at work (which is a story in and of itself). Why at work? She’ll be at work when it’s delivered unless it’s the weekend AND it let’s everyone know what a great son I am. (Got to keep up the appearances). It is coming with everything. The computer, monitor, speakers, keyboard, mouse, printer. It will all be there for her. And she’ll bitch about it for a couple of days but what I’m really going to tell her is that I’m being selfish because she can’t send me pictures of the new baby cousin if she doesn’t have email. That should calm her until she’s used to it.

And then last but not least. I kind of told a little white lie to her. I told her that if she signed up for DSL that when I get back from Oklahoma I’ll start paying for it. (That’s not the lie). When I’m waiting tables it won’t be a problem. I convinced her that if she got DSL her current computer would work just fine and that she wouldn’t need a modem. (That’s the lie). What I really want is for her to have a real connection to the internet. So that it doesn’t take four hours to load one web page. Once again I’m being selfish. I’m going to be staying at her house for four weeks this summer and I want a real internet connection. I’ll go crazy trying to make these posts with dial-up. I would end up punching the computer. And where would that leave us? It really didn’t take much to convince her to do this. She was supposed to do it today, but I don’t know if she did. I’m going to call tomorrow and see. I’ll stay on her butt until she does it.

And then last but not least…more good karma…

My mom and I share a cell phone plan with Verizon. Except for the part of her having to have a NYC number it’s fine. It was either she have a NYC number or I have a KY number. Since I was paying I won. So we’ve been sharing this plan for well over four years. With Verizon you can talk to other Verizon customers for free so my mom and I talk for free. Most of my other friends including my friend Todd, my roommate, Michelle all have Verizon so all of the people I talk to the most, I talk to free. So with all the free talking that I get, plus all the regular talking we do, my mom and I use about half of the 1400 minutes we pay for. Unfortunately, the next least plan is 700 minutes and we average from 600 to 800 minutes a month. Thus we pay for more even though we don’t use them all.

There is a point to all of this.

I have an aunt, my mom’s sister, who isn’t doing so well financially. She has never worked more than babysitting and now that she’s in her 60’s she doesn’t work at all. She’s losing her sight because she’s diabetic and so it’s hard for her to get around. My uncle Tom, her husband was diagnosed with full blown Parkinson’s Disease in 2003. It continues to get worse and although he still tries to work on the farm that he’s worked on for 30 years it’s hard for him. I’m convinced the only reason they still pay him is because he’s been there so long and they feel guilty. So with neither of them really able to work it takes every penny they have to live. So my aunt was telling me that they have a “pay as you go” phone that they use that costs them about 30 bucks a month. And if you do the math that’s 360 bucks a year. And I have 700+ minutes a month not being used. So I’m going to order my aunt a phone and send it to her. That way she’ll have a cell phone which they don’t use that often, and hopefully will be able to save the 30 bucks they spend on theirs each month. It’s really not a big deal, but I think it will mean a lot to them.

It’s all about the Karma.

So surely the BABY JEEEZUS is not still mad at me.